Monday, December 28, 2015

Winter Repeats

I wrote something a week before Christmas, getting all my ranting frustrations out. I thought that would be enough of a release but it wasn't. I plucked up my courage and had a conversation with Jack about the state of our relationship.

It went fine. He said the right things, he always says the right things. We had 3 good days over Christmas. And now it's back to how it is. He has some stuff going on, and its not my place to talk about it, so I won't. But how much slack am I required to give.

Something always comes up. There is always some new reason why he acts the way he does. I'm tired of talking about it. He'll say all the right things. I'll feel like a bitch for even making us have a conversation. Things will be good. And then back next week I'll be right back here again.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. And what's worse is that I don't think I can.

Friday, December 18, 2015

A New Project

I need something to do. The kid is with his dad half the time. Jack doesn't have a job but I don't see him any more than I did before. I have some free time on my hands and I need to fill it or I'll get into trouble. Books and TV aren't holding my interest, and while I could and should go to the gym, I'm going to be honest and say that's not going to happen.

I need a hobby. But I feel broke as shit and nothing sounds interesting. And its too freaking cold to take up something outdoorsy. (Everyone else in the Pacific Northwest has an outdoorsy hobby). I kind of want a part time job. Something I could do on the side. Not retail because the hours suck and they always schedule you for inconvenient times.

There is a MLM I'm considering. I buy the products anyway and could do it, but it seems so pyramid-y. I'm doing some research and finding that I wouldn't need to sign other people up, in theory I could turn a profit just selling the product, not creating a team or downline or whatever you want to call it.

Extra money would be nice. The kid is only going to get more expensive as he grows. I need to make sure that I won't lose money because I can't really afford that. I'm planning to talk it over with my dad because he's extremely smart and level headed. I know from watching my friends sell shit on Facebook that this looks like a dumb idea, and I keep talking myself out of it, but there is this tantalizing chance that I could actually make a buck. So I keep reading and calulating and thining and debating.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Grinch

I am trying like hell to get in the Christmas spirit. The tree went up right after Thanksgiving. we visited Santa, we made cookies, we decorated the house, a gingerbread house, watched all the classics, Christmas music round the clock. I'm just going through the motions for the kid. He's old enough to get it and be excited. I want him to have a good Christmas and set the foundation for fun traditions.

If I'm honest with myself, every holiday since his dad and I split up has been like this. I just don't give a shit. I go through the motions and do what I need to so that the kid has a good time. There is no feeling behind it for me. I don't need any gifts. I don't care if I wake up to an empty stocking. Usually 4th of July is my favorite holiday but John, alcohol, and my drunk mouth ruined that this year too.

I don't think this is depression? I take my meds, I go to work, everyone is happy and healthy and there is food in the house. I do all the things I'm supposed to do or "like" to do. It's like I've lost my sense of taste, you keep eating to survive, but you don't really care what  you eat. You eat so you'll keep living but you derive no pleasure from it.

I used to easily read 40 books a year. I think I've read 5 this year, maybe 10 last year. I just can't get into anything. I've been listening to podcasts and watching the news more, reading more articles online, so I haven't let my brain completely atrophy. The DVR fills up with the shows I've asked it to tape and used to greedily devour. I just don't care anymore. And I thought, ok maybe this show got boring or that show lost good characters. But has that happened to every show I used to like? Maybe it's just me. I used to love hockey, I haven't watched a game once this season.

I wake up, I go to work, I parent (with varying degrees of success), I go to sleep. Repeat.
I make time for friends. I maintain a relationship. I run errands. I have conversations. I turn the tv on but don't absorb what they say. I am hollow.

I don't think I'm depressed. I'm not really sad. Nothing is wrong with me, my life is as fine as it ever is, little bumps here and there.
I've never been suicidal, but I've periods of life where I didn't want to exist anymore. It's a weird concept for some people to get. I don't want to harm myself. I just wish I never was. I think about not existing, if somehow I disappeared, but it had no impact on my parents or kid or anyone else.

But I don't even feel like that right now. I feel like I'm in a body snatchers movie or something. I see my life unfolding in front of me, I'm sitting in the driver's seat but I can't or won't grip the steering wheel. I guess the most fitting word is ennui. I don't know how to shake it.

Saturday, November 21, 2015


We had plans. All week, we were going to spend Friday together. We were going to lay in bed and just talk and laugh like we used to. I said I'd make dinner and brownies, he said that sounded good. But then work came up. Work always comes up. It happens. I said to work on it. So he did. I said that eventually he would have to sleep and could I sleep next to him. He said yes. I drove over.

On the way, I rehearsed a little speech, asking if we could go back to earlier in the week, before things got complicated. If we could just pick up being happy where we left off.

But when I arrived, he would barely look at me. Barely speak to me. We lay in bed in awkward silence. He was mad. I apologized. I cried. I hadn't meant to spoil his evening of work. I hadn't meant he had to go to bed right then. I just wanted to carve out some little portion of the Friday we meant to have. Some small sign of affection that I didn't have to fish for. But instead I made him mad. I couldn't bare it anymore. Laying in his bed, feeling waves of hostility washing off of him and on to me. My breath, catching in my lungs as I tried and failed to keep myself from falling to pieces.

I got up and gathered my things. I wasn't trying to make a dramatic exit, or a point. But I couldn't lie there and apologize over and over and over. I wasn't going to be able to make it right. I wasn't going to get a good night kiss or a stroke of the hair. I wouldn't be able to sleep there next to him, feeling out of place and burdensome.

So I went home.

He does most anything I ask him too. But I don't want to be the only one asking to spend time together. I don't want to have to initiate contact each time. I'm so tired of feeling like I'm chasing him, begging him for attention, struggling to be loved. I'm just so overwhelmingly sad.

Thursday, November 19, 2015


Imagine: that feeling when you are guarded but trying to unfurl your layers of armor so you can actually enjoy the safety and happiness that are in your world right now.

And then you fuck something up. You peek behind the curtain and know things you can never un-know. Cruel words that curl up and befriend all the self hatred that Tom unleashed into your brain. Knowing that the bad, horrible, selfish, broken parts of you, not only does your love see them, but he agrees with your horrible assessment of yourself.

And your timing makes it worse.  And it sets off a chain reaction in your Love. And knowing that makes you feel lower. The more he talks and explains, the lower you feel. Until you wish you could dissolve into nothingness. You wish you never were.

And you cry and you talk and things are salvaged. And he wants to move forward, stronger and better. And you want to run. You want to ghost. You want to warp yourself up in layers and layers of armor. You wonder why you keep making idiotic attempts to unwrap your dark, shriveled heart and give it to someone. Your unworthy, selfish, unreasonable heart. That no one will want.

Tom said a lot of insulting things. And all of them were so far from the mark as to be laughable. But one. He got one barb that cut so fucking deep. The words imprinted on your brain. I could be senile, not knowing the days of the week, but I'll remember his parting shot.

And though he didn't mean to be hurtful, my Love said words that are seared into the brain. Words that dovetail nicely with the poison Tom dripped in my ear. And you aren't mad at your Love, and you're fairly certain he isn't mad at you. But you're hurt and feel like such a wretch that you don't know if you can continue the relationship, because you're the worst person, with ridiculous wants and needs, a bottomless pit of need and dissatisfaction. Because you love him and he broke your heart. Again.

Friday, October 30, 2015


I probably won't write anymore. This was a good outlet but its not as anonymous as I'd like to think. I know my friends read this and I know Jack's found it and that was all fine, but someone close to him found it and is making things difficult. I guess I'll get a journal or something. Lame.

Wednesday, October 28, 2015


Things are off the rails again. But I didn't derail them this time. And he didn't do it intentionally either. I'm scared and worried for him. I'm sad.

Things were good. For one solid week, things were bright and shiny. Everything was perfect, he was sweet, we had fun with the kid, we laughed, the chemistry was crazy.

And then suddenly things got different and scary and incomprehensible. I don't know how to fix it. I know I can't fix it. I can just sit next to him and hold his hand and hope we come out the other side of this. I can't be mad or upset or really. I'm sad that we are taking a detour. But most of all I care about him and want him to be well.

Friday, October 23, 2015

The Kid

Even when I pick the kid up early from school,
Even when I take him for ice cream (for being brave at the doctor's office and getting 3 shots)
Even when I play pirates for hours and fix broken trucks and tanks
Even when I make his favorite dinner
He still asks for daddy at bedtime.

And we call his dad. And his phone is off so we leave a message. I read bedtime stories, I brush teeth, I sing him a song, I tuck him in.

The first words he says when he wakes up, "I miss daddy." And we call daddy on the way to school every morning.

I try not to take it personally. It's just a phase, I hope. But it hurts. I tell the kid it's ok to love mommy and daddy. I tell him that I miss him when I'm at work and when he's with daddy.

I ask him what's different at Daddy's house. He tells me there is a racetrack at Daddy's. And on Wednesday, he spent a few hours with Daddy and got 3 new board games. I can't buy new toys as often. Christmas is in two months and I spent my disposable income on the Kid's basketball registration fee and tickets to see the Harlem Globetrotters.

I hope that the Kid loves me too.

Monday, October 19, 2015

I'm dumb. again.

We had a whole long conversation and straightened things out.
He likes me. I like him. 
I just let my anxiety get in my own way. 
I'm a mess and so is he. 
The journey continues. 

Friday, October 16, 2015

Pissed Off. Again.

I'm a fucking fool.
I keep making time for this guy. I keep trying to be thoughtful and compliant and a "cool girl."
Its not me and its exhausting.
He says things to make me feel like I'm at the top of his priorities.
But then he does things that show that is not quite true.
I'm mad. And maybe I don't have any right to be.
We spent time together last weekend, but there were little hiccups here and there and it was unnerving.
We talked, he said we'd see each other sometime this week. During the week. Before the weekend.
We did not.
And on Friday, when he's so tired from going out every night, he's going out with some guy friend.
For the second time this week.
So this guy is more important than me. Or at least that is how it feels to me.
I'm an idiot. I'm so dumb. I just keep setting myself up to be disappointed.
I'm over here trying to be patient and act like nothing phases me.
It does phase me.
I don't want to have to wake up and fight for my place in your life every day.
I don't want to beg for your attention.
I shouldn't keep having the same conversation about this with you.
I don't know what to do. I know what my brain says to do.
My heart disagrees.

Wednesday, October 14, 2015

I'm the Worst

He asked me to come to dinner with a childhood friend of his who will be in town.
I am planning on going to an event in February with the kid and invited Jack. He wants to come. I bought him a ticket.
He wouldn't do these things if he wasn't serious.
I make up bullshit reasons to freak myself out.
He gave me a damn key to his place. Why cannot just accept that maybe he is happy with me?

Tuesday, October 13, 2015

I'm being petty and I'm being insecure and I just have to get it out.
I'm sad. I overanalyze his every word or tweet or post.
I'm making him this thoughtful birthday present. I'm having fun making it, but I'm scared to actually give it to him. Part of this present is a lot of letters, my feelings and thoughts about Jack laid bare. And I don't think he likes me the way I like him.
We've been together 6 months. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He says the right things. He's always said the right things.
And now he's putting his words into effect to make more time for me, for us.
But I still feel like I'm chasing him. Like I'm a pathetic groupie, hoping to be noticed, wishing to be loved, asking for affection and affirmation.
The part that I hate the most is that I can't figure out if my feelings are valid and I should say anything to him or I'm just so warped and anxiety filled that I'll never feel stable and safe in a relationship. Which wouldn't be Jack's fault. And would meant I ought to break it off since it would mean I'm incapable of being happy.
I wish he would tell me honestly what he feels.
I would trust any answer I'd get if I asked him. I don't want to prompt him.
I make myself so miserable sometimes.


I have an iPad but I don't use it often. Recently the Kid and I went on a little trip and I downloaded some apps and shows onto the iPad. Anyway, getting the iPad out, I was reminded that my texts go to my phone, computer and iPad because they are all linked. There was a whole text convo with Tom from last May.

Because reliving old hurts is my version of self harm, I read through a large part of it. It sucked. We were so in love, I thought. We did favors for each other, Tom took care of me and I took care of him. I was so spoiled. He would come over for a week and help around the house, drive me to and from work and then fuck me all night.

I don't miss him as a person. He was controlling and scary and I'm glad to be rid of him. But I miss the dynamic, I miss the person I thought he was. That version of Tom would have done anything for me. Not just talk, he did several amazing, difficult, selfless things for me. I don't have that anymore.

I know it's not fair to compare the two, because right now I'm reminiscing about the good parts of Tom and the bad parts of Jack, but my relationship with Jack is so much harder. Jack is good to me, he's good to my kid, he's never given me any reason to be afraid of him, he's been kind and funny, he brought soup to me when I was sick. He checks off all the boxes, but I feel like we are going through the motions. I have a deep sense that he's "not that into me."

His biological clock is ticking, I'm here and I'm "good enough." He's not crazy about me, he's just not that into me. I don't know if its because we aren't right for each other or because we need more time. Maybe I'm just feeling low because we haven't seen each other in two weeks (trips, schedule conflicts) we've texted, but no phone calls besides me calling to wake him up.

I can feel him settling. Maybe I am too? I don't know how to separate the good parts of the relationship with Tom and the bad. Tom and I would text constantly throughout the day, even when we were at work. Jack and I don't do that. Is it because Jack isn't a control freak and trusts me? Is it because he's a workaholic? Is it because he just doesn't want to?

Monday, October 5, 2015


I'm busy with doctors appointments, Halloween, and a project for Jack's birthday which is at the end of the month. Everything is fine, I'll just probably be quiet for a few weeks.

Building a Relationship

Jack is shutting down one of his side businesses, partly so he can focus on work and partly so he has more time to spend with me. He says he wants to work on building a relationship with me. I'm scared. What if we don't work out, or even if we do, and he blames me for him giving up on his company?

I am trying to be positive. He is taking action to change a lot of things. I didn't ask him to because I want the changes to he his choice. But the list of reasons we wouldn't work out that I wrote when we were broken up is getting shorter. And I'm scared.

Friday, October 2, 2015


The whole conversation I had with Jack had my brain working overtime. For a few reasons.

1) Does he really want a baby with me, or is it just because he's getting older and I'm the girl he's with currently?

I told Jack we have a lot of ducks to get in a row before we can even seriously discuss the idea of having a baby.
2)  What ducks need to get in a row? I thought about it, and came up with 4 ducks. (It's feeling weird to keep saying duck. Calling them issues or problems doesn't seem to fit, so I'll keep saying ducks. Deal with it.)

Thursday, September 24, 2015

Behavioral Issues

I was sitting on the couch on a Tuesday evening, watching House and tinkering with my fantasy football lineups. The phone rang. Blocked Number. I answer and it's the Kid's pediatrician. Apparently the ex husband/dad, "John," had left her a message earlier in the day wanting to discuss the Kid's behavioral issues.

Excuse me, what?

The Kid still hates being dropped off at daycare. He's been going there for almost a month.The Kid has never been great with change. Prior to this, he had the same nanny for nearly 3 years.  So yeah, the Kid doesn't love daycare yet. He also doesn't love being around 20 other noisy kids when he's used to being 1 of 2 children.

Plus, think about it this way:
In July, John bought a condo and moved out of his parents house. So Kiddo no longer sees his paternal grandparents on a daily basis (when it's dad's week).
In August, Kiddo's nanny gave notice and he  had to go to daycare.
Its now September and hasn't been very long for the Kid to adjust to some pretty big changes.

The pediatrician and I talked for a while and figured that either 1) Kid needs more time to adjust or 2) the current daycare is not a good fit. We also discussed asking Kid his opinion since he is old enough and verbal enough for us to attempt a conversation about this.

John coddles the Kid. Instead of just saying, "The rule is, you have to hold a grown up's hand when you cross the street or are in a parking lot," John somehow made the Kid scared of cars. There was a period where he would just scream and had to be carried. John also has this semi-feminine nickname for the Kid that grates on my ears and though it's dumb and anti-feminist of me, I don't want John somehow making the Kid a "sissy."

To further coddle the Kid, John doesn't really make him  do anything he doesn't want to.
Don't want to go to bed? No problem!
Don't want to pick up your toys? Ok!
Don't want to eat your dinner? Have whatever you want!

So now that John is attempting to parent, the Kid is resisting, because he's 3 and they don't call them threenagers for nothing. The Kid does the same stuff at my house, but he also spends a fair amount of time in Time Out at my house.

All I think John needs to do is read a parenting book, be consistent and calm down. It's probably best for him to hear the same damn thing from our pediatrician since he doesn't listen to me anyway.

Wednesday, September 23, 2015

Behavioral Problems 2

On a Wednesday afternoon, my phone rings. Its John telling me we need to immediately pull Kid from daycare.

What? What happened?

John talked to the pediatrician, same as I did. John told the doctor that the Kid come home very tired from school, and is "zombie-like." But on Monday of this week, John's mom kept the Kid. Monday evening, Kid was full of energy. Apparently, this means we need to find a new daycare.

Hold on there, doofus. Isn't it possible that the Kid had energy because playing with grandma all day is not as strenuous as playing with 20 other kids all day?

He said he'd found other daycares to look at. I told him we could talk about it in the evening, since I HAD ALREADY COMMITTED TO COMING OVER. I'm so irritated. Why does this have to be discussed right now, at work in the middle of the day? There is no safety concern, so this is not an immediate problem.

I'm dreading going over to his place. Now he's put me in a position where I look like I'm disagreeing with the pediatrician. It feels like common sense to me, that if the Kid isn't doing well with lots of change, why would we make more change by having him transition to a new daycare?

Later that day, after work, I went to John's place. We tried to talk to Kid. asked him what he didn't like about his school. Kid's response was that he doesn't like it when mom and dad leave him at school. We tried to explain that that would happen at any school. We told him we could look at different school, but if he went to a new school, his friends and Miss Zara would not be there.

I felt that the talk went alright, that we'd look at some other schools but give it a little more time.
The next morning, I'm riding the bus when John calls. He thinks we need to pull Kid immediately because as John was making lunches that morning, Kid says, "I want to go to a different school." And in the car on the way to daycare, Kid screamed "I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL I HATE SCHOOL," all the way there. (About 4 blocks.)

I get off the phone with John because there is nothing I can do from the bus.  Later in the morning, I called the daycare and asked for their read on the situation. They said the main thing is that Kid doesn't eat, and is then cranky for half the day. The daycare director thinks that if we can resolve the food issue, Kid will be happier. I agree.

I text John to ask if he has time to talk. (It's called being considerate. Ass.) When we talk on the phone, I relay the daycare director's thoughts about Kid's eating habits. Kid has always been a picky eater and its a struggle to get anything non-carb into his mouth. John agrees to set up an appointment with a nutritionist and see if that does anything. I'm on board to try anything at this point.

I tell John, my proposal: see the nutritionist, maybe tour a school here and there, but let's fix the food problem first and then see if a change of venue is still necessary. I express my thought that we should do this methodically, not making rash decisions, even though we both want to make Kid happy right away. John tells me he is not willing to deal with this slowly for the sake of being slow. Which is not what I said, but at this point I can tell we are too far apart on the issue and its about to get ugly. We ended the call calmly and politely.

I am willing to talk to Kid and get his thoughts, but a 3 year old is not capable of deciding what's best for him. I also don't think that a 3rd big change in 3 months is best for Kid. John disagrees and I'm not willing to back down on this. I'm really worried that we need to go back to mediation.

Thursday, September 17, 2015

*Record Scratch*

This Sunday I woke up sick. I made a nest on the couch to watch football and rest. I tried to drink some juice and eat some crackers. The food made a return appearance. Jack is a freaking angel, he came over with gatorade and soup. He heated me up a bowl of soup and came to snuggle on the couch with me.

I ate two bites of soup and not even 2 minutes later, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up the soup. When I came back to the couch, Jack asked, "are you pregnant?"


Its hard to tell with him if he's being serious or just joking, but this led to us sort of having a conversation about babies. Jack will be 39 in a few months and he doesn't want to be an old dad. I'll be 30 next summer. And sure we both have jobs but we have A LOT more ducks to get in a row before I'm  ready to pull the goalie.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Reframing the Issue

I belong to a few Facebook groups. The smallest is a group of 20 women. A handful of us are single moms. One of the women, Landrie, brought up today, how frustrating it is to talk about a child-free weekend (because the kids are with their dad) and married women will think its cute to say,
"You are so lucky! I should get divorced so I have every other weekend off."

No ma'am.

That is a stupid thing to say for more reasons than I have the time or energy to get into here. But Erica had a great point, which I'm not going to retype here but basically she had been a single mom and is now married to a great guy who works hard, loves her, and loves her three kids as his own.

I have a few fears I want to discuss with Jack, but mostly, I just need to calm THE FUCK DOWN.
Jack is a funny, smart, amazing, creative, hard working, caring, gentle, strong, and protective man. I am lucky to have him, hell I'm lucky to be with him. I let my anxiety and fears run away with me and convince me that he doesn't want me.

And maybe this won't last forever. Maybe Jack and I aren't meant to be. But what if this could be something great, except for me being scared and wrecking it? What it things could be good?

Jack tries. He honest to God tries to do it all right, and I've been too critical. So what that he's busy? He is busy with actual businesses, unlike a certain ex who would just play video games. I've never once worried that he's looking at another woman. I have nothing to worry about with Jack. Being busy isn't so bad, there are at least 50 other vices I could list off the top of my head.

Jack has been trying to get me to let him in and I've been the one resisting. Its foolish and short sighted of me. Jack cares about my kid too, asks about him, and was great at playing with him.

I've been letting my anxiety fuck everything up in my head.

Tuesday, September 15, 2015

Why I'm Like This (Part 3)

I have sleep apnea. Or something. Something is wrong with me, I've had a sleep study and I'm waiting for the results.

Prior to the sleep study, I had bloodwork done. I happened to see my mom the day I got my bloodwork results. Though I've been anemic off and on for most of my life, my iron levels were good. My Vitamin D levels were normal. My pituitary and liver were functioning normally. I told my mom all that and said, half jokingly, "I don't know what the hell is wrong with me."

"You need a better diet and more sleep," my mom replied.

Are. You. Fucking. Kidding. Me.

First of all, as far as my diet, my mom lives in a different state. I'm not sure how she feels qualified to judge my eating habits, given that she has no idea what, or how much, I eat. Second, as all my vitamin levels are in normal range, wouldn't it be fair to say I have a balanced diet that is providing my body with all the required nutrients? Third, I have at least two servings of fruit as snacks each day at work and my dinner always includes vegetables.

As to needing more sleep, I'm baffled by what an ignorant thing that is to say.
My doctor, a medical professional, with years of schooling and an advanced degree, saw fit to refer me to a specialist.
The specialist, also with years of schooling and an advanced degree, sent me for a sleep study.
But my mom, a high school graduate, thinks I should just sleep more.

For the record, it is not uncommon for me to sleep on the bus to and from work. On rare, desperate occasions, I have taken a 10 minute power nap in the restroom at work. I take a long afternoon nap Saturdays and Sundays, in addition to sleeping in. I called in sick to work so I could stay home and sleep. I typically sleep 7-8 hours a night. Despite all of this, I always always always wake up tired.

This especially bothers me because my mom has a long list of medical issues. She's had several surgeries, she's on oxygen 24/7, her medical records are voluminous. Maybe she should eat a salad and get more sleep.

Monday, September 14, 2015

Mom Guilt

I feel like I'm failing as a mom. Its awful.

My kid hates daycare. He's been there almost a month. At drop offs, he so sad. He stands in the window and waves to me. I blow him kisses and smile and tell him I love him. But then I have to turn my back and walk to my car and it feels like I'm abandoning him. When I pick him up in the afternoon, he is overjoyed to see me but almost cries out of relief.

The teachers say he's doing better. He has at least two little friends. But when I ask the kid about school, he shuts down or tells me the best part is when he gets to go home. He whimpers when we have to leave the house in the morning. He whimpers when we pull into the daycare parking lot.

I just worry for him because he seems miserable all day long. This week, after I put him to bed, he woke up twice in the night crying. I'd go in to calm him and ask what's wrong and he'd say he didn't want to go to school, that he was "just a little bit nervous" about school.

I don't know what to do. Because he is my child, he is nearly as stubborn as I am. For the first week, he refused to eat at daycare, all day. His dad and I started sending him with food from home and he eats a little now but the lunch lady gives me grief every morning, acting as though I don't feed him enough. The mom-guilt is crushing.

I don't know what more to do. In the mornings before I leave him, I give him a big lipstick kiss on his hand, so he'll have a kiss from mom all day. I also put a heart sticker on his shirt, which is his backup kiss for when the lipstick washes off. He has pictures of his dad and me and him in his cubby. I reassure him that mommy or daddy will always come to get him. None of it seems to make much of a difference.

Saturday, September 12, 2015


I haven't needed to do this in a while but I relented and took an anxiety pill just now.

I'm making myself miserable. I'm anxious about several things like the shitty interaction with my parents over Labor Day weekend, and my kid hating daycare. I'm an idiot and so I'm allowing the anxiety to ooze over onto my relationship with Jack. Do you know what its sounded like in my head for the last two days? Here's a sample:

Why doesn't he text me first? We don't have anything planned together coming up, not even dinner and Netflix, he's probably getting ready to dump me. I need to hide my anxious-ness better, he's going to dump me again if I'm too much of a hassle. I feel lonely and sad, but I can't talk to him about it because I texted him and he didn't respond and if I send more than one text in a row, it means I like him way more than he likes me. This will never work. Save yourself now. He's never going to be less busy. He's never going to have enough time for me. I'm a bottomless pit of need and I'll never be happy so I should let him go now. He doesn't like you. He doesn't love you. He tolerates you. 
And so forth and so on.

I wrote the first half of this, and then came back a few hours later. That anxiety pill didn't do shit. I texted with Jack and he's potentially coming to my house tonight, I just feel like I harangued him into coming. I hate myself. I just want to cry and sleep.

I'm having a hard time because we broke up once before and I see everything as indicators that its about to happen again. I keep trying to brace myself so it won't hurt as much this time.

I stupidly fell into a google-hole and found all sorts of stuff, written and pictures, about his past loves. He posted one picture of the two of us on Facebook. This shouldn't matter. I know this shouldn't matter. Facebook is not an accurate was to quantify his feelings for me.

Last night, I got desperate. Jack had been busy at work and had sent maybe 2 texts all day. I texted Jack to say good night. He responded and I put my phone down. Then 5 minutes later, picked it back up. I asked him to give me 5 minutes of his time because I felt weird. I asked him, "please just tell me something good or interesting about your day." I explain how anxious I've been about my kid and that the anxiety was spilling over to "us."

A minute later,  my phone rang. It was Jack, he gave me 10 uninterrupted minutes of his time to tell me about his day and help me feel a little less disconnected. I'm learning about myself in this relationship. As corny as I think they are, I've found that my "love language" is a close tie between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. So while not texting much throughout the day shouldn't be a problem, it makes me feel disconnected from Jack.

Friday, September 11, 2015

I Can't

I can't stand it. This relationship with Jack. Whatever I'm supposed to call it. He calls me his girlfriend, "my sweet," "my love." I know it looks lovely from the outside, and probably from his perspective too.

I can't relax. Today for example, I received one text late this morning. And I responded and received nothing back. That's fine, or would be fine, except that the evening Jack broke up with me, he spent all that day not talking with me. So today, and anytime he doesn't seem very "chatty," the level headed part of my brain tells me he's busy with work, he's driving, he's asleep, he'll talk to me later. But the louder part of my brain says, "He's going to leave you again." I comb through our most recent interactions. Did I say the right things? Was I supportive enough? Did I ask thoughtful questions when he explained work concepts? Did I overstay my welcome in some way?

I look for my faults. I start mentally preparing for the break up. I have my kid and my friends and my job and I'll stay busy and be ok. I harden my heart.

And then, the break up doesn't come. But the cycle repeats. I cover my heart with layers and layers of shields so I won't be hurt when he leaves me.

We don't say "I love you" anymore. I don't know if I can honestly say that I am in love with Jack anymore. I'm too scared to be that vulnerable. And he doesn't say it either, which only reinforces my belief that the next breakup is imminent.

Since the break up, Jack doesn't come around when my kid is home or awake. I'm scared that he's stringing me along, but because he is a decent person, he doesn't want to get my kid tangled up in a confusing situation with "mommy's friend Jack." I guess that the smart choice, it makes sense and I'd do anything to protect my son's feelings, but its another weight on my heart that Jack isn't really in this and I'm fooling myself.

Because of his chronic lateness, Jack works fairly late into the evening. As a result, we usually just see each other once on weekdays, once on weekends. Twice a week. I guess that's supposed to be enough? For me it doesn't feel like enough. For all my fears, I crave Jack. I want to be snuggled up against him, wrapped in his sweatshirt, laughing and talking as much as possible. There is so much I want to see and do and share and learn with him. But If twice a week is sufficient for him, then I'd seem like a clingy, needy, crazy person asking for more.

I guess what it boils down to is that I've been in relationships where I was cherished. Where I was my man's number 1 priority. And if our current relationship is how Jack treats his number 1, then it isn't enough for me.  I don't want John back. I don't want Tom back. But I miss feeling like someone out there was thinking about me, that I was the bright spot in his life, that he would notice if I was quiet, would know when I just needed a hug. Jack is too disconnected and too logical.  I think we operate on different wavelengths and I don't know if I can keep it up.

Thursday, September 10, 2015

Sometimes, people Like Me. Sometimes I like me too.

I'm not a huge fan of Lena Dunham. I've watched the first 2 or 3 seasons of Girls and found parts of all the characters relatable. But besides all that, theres this quote. 
“No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself. OK? So any mean thing that someone’s gonna think of to say about me I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half-hour.” 
Holy Shit. That bitch has been reading my high school journals or some shit. I've had that same thought. I'm really hard on myself. I think I learned it from my parents. An "A-" was ok, and an "A" is better, but when I brought those home, they'd ask, "Did you really try? Did you really do your best?" Probably not.

 Academically, I'm very lucky. Giving it a moderate effort is enough for me to get an above average grade. It worked in high school. It worked as I completed two majors in college. It worked when I got not just accepted to, but offered scholarships at a handful of law schools. I know I'm smart and a lucky undeserving brat. I can't really enjoy any of those successes because I know I'm not trying my very best. But if someone tells me I'm smart, I can accept the compliment nicely.


I am unable to graciously accept a compliment about my looks. I'm the worst. I think I'm cute, or on a good day, pretty.

I'm actually pretty obnoxious with my deflecting of compliments. I've had men tell me I'm beautiful or sexy or whatever. I used to verbally disagree. Then I progressed to not arguing, but I would roll my eyes, because I'm awful. Now, I still roll my eyes, but I'll correct myself and say, "Thank you."

Building self confidence is a big project, one I'm not sure I'll ever finish. But part of helping me with this project, was finding women who get it, who lift me up. I will always be thankful that I stumbled across Brittany Gibbons' blog years ago (Brittany Herself) through her blog, and later facebook group, and later still, her book, I've made amazing friends, learned a lot, laughed a lot, cried a little, and I'm a bit further along in my journey towards seeing in myself what others already see in me. 

Wednesday, September 9, 2015

All Dressed Up

Jack accompanied me to a costume party. He went all out on his costume, and though he was anxious and nervous, he made conversation with my friends and seemed to enjoy himself.

I know it was a big effort on his part and I really appreciate that he came with me. Not much to say, I just wanted to get part of this written down so I would remember that even if he is cagey with his words and tricky to read, he wouldn't have put in this much effort if he didn't care about me.

Monday, September 7, 2015

Why I'm Like This (Part 2 in a never-ending series)

Why I'm Like This (Part 2 in a never-ending series of how my parents are fucked up).

Its super trendy to have your hair dyed outrageous colors now. Some of my hair is purple. Not all of it, not even half of it. Its most noticeable when My hair is up, like in a ponytail.

My parents were in town this weekend. My dad pointed out my hair, said, "you have some purple stuff. Eww."

When I told him that was rude and that he would never say "ew" to anyone else on the planet (stranger, co worker, friend, etc), my mom told me I was taking it the wrong way. I asked what other way "ew" can be interpreted. Then they told me that its different because they are my parents and can talk to me like that.

Eventually my dad grudgingly said sorry. It was pretty clear he didn't mean it, but I dropped it.

According to them:
They are never wrong. I am always wrong. I am always too sensitive. My emotions are always my own fault and they are never responsible for the words they say. 

Friday, September 4, 2015

Just Nice

Jack came over. We made cookies. We kissed a lot, we talked about our days, we laughed. It was an ordinary evening and that's what made it great. We don't have to be doing anything exciting for me to feel perfectly at ease and happy with him.

Wednesday, September 2, 2015

Half and Half

Previously on, My Ridiculous Life:

I told Jack not to spend money on a kitten. He did. Two days later he broke a tooth. He will need a couple thousand dollars worth of dental work. I want to say I told you so, but I won't because I'm classy as shit, and saying that doesn't help anything anyways.

On the flip side,

I told Jack I didn't want to end up living under a bridge. He sold a concept he wrote. I know nothing.

Win some, lose some.
Yin and yang.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015


Jack has a day job and about 3 other companies that he runs on the side. He's a busy guy and his free time seems precious and rare. He says he feels like he doesn't spend enough time with me. And I would love for him to spend every free minute with me, but I feel guilty taking time away from all the business and screenplays and ideas he has.

In a way, he reminds me of Jay. He's constantly busy and creative, but its exhausting to keep up with. Every interaction turns into a discussion about his career, about a new idea he had, about a small success he had. I can't decide if I'm just jealous that all this stuff take away from me, or. No, you know what, that's it. I'm jealous of all this stuff. I feel boring in comparison. My dreams are smaller, my world, my successes and failures are all on a smaller scale. And that's fine. Jack can live his life being constantly busy, but I don't want that. To be honest, its kind of exhausting just to be around it.

Jack assured me that he thinks the Kid and I are interesting and "real." And that hearing about me and the Kid's conversations and adventures, makes him realize that he is lacking "realness" in his life. Jack doesn't have kids but has said he wants them. I want to have more kids. Or goals line up in that respect, but besides all of the other concerns I have about marrying Jack and having kids with him, the concern at the top of the list, is that he just doesn't have time for a baby.

Jack works late on occasions. That's fine, that happens. But Jack also keeps weird hours, he'll go to bed at 9 one night and stay up till 4AM the next. He sleeps through his alarms pretty consistently. He decisions.

But what the hell do I know. Someday when Jack has a kid, he may get his shit together. I know I did when Kiddo arrived and especially after the post-partum depression haze lifted. Also, this is so so so dumb for me to worry about, crazy premature.

Monday, August 31, 2015

The Kitten

This weekend was not a great look for me. I was jealous of a kitten. Do you know how shitty that is? To be jealous and resentful of a 7 week old, tiny ball of fluff.

Jack is over-extended financially. He recently had to pull money out of his 401(k). His car needs repairs. He has at least one trip to LA planned for next month, probably more as he and friend get ready to launch a new company in January. Basically, he's busy. Really, really busy and somewhat broke. Also he has one cat, and I have two and we discussed that him getting another cat will delay us moving in together.

But on Saturday, he went and adopted a kitten. Earlier that day, I told him it was a bad idea. I told him I'm not against the idea of a kitten per se, but now if not a great time. He got a kitten anyway.

I was mad. Not quite seething, but more than irritated. When I calmed down enough, I explained to Jack that, yes the kitten is here now and everyone will love it and get adjusted to this, but if this is how he makes decisions, if this is what his impulse control is like, it makes me hesitant to "hitch my wagon" and my son to this man. I told him it makes me worry that we'll all end up living under a highway overpass.

Jack told me these were all valid concerns. Then he told me that his plan was, that as he was with and around me more, he would stop making such crazy decisions. He promised me that there is still room for me in his life.

At the time, I was satisfied with that answer. But the more I think about it, the more I'm scared. This is exactly how my ex-husband would make decisions. John would do whatever he wanted and I would go along to get along. I know Jack and I aren't married, I know he can make whatever decisions he wants and I don't really get a vote. But I'm scared. I don't want to be in another relationship where my whole life can be tossed into upheaval because of a decision I wasn't asked about.

I know this is just a kitten and its not a huge life decision. But it means more than that to me. And I'm scared.

Thursday, August 27, 2015


Last weekend Jack went to LA to discuss a business idea with a friend of his. Then he went to a comedy show and hung out with a bunch of comics. Legitimately famous ones that you've seen on TV.

Jack and I were having dinner at my house last night. I cooked, shocking I know. But over dinner I asked him to tell me about the trip. And he did and had a whole story about all the comedians he interacted with. When he finished, he asked me what bedtime stories I read to the kid that night.
I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but I felt like a loser.

He's out having an amazing time, and I'm just a mom with a non-descript job, living a fairly ordinary life. Its exactly how I felt when I was seeing Jay. They've had all these adventures that make for jealousy-inducing anecdotes. And then there's me. Blah.

I'm an insecure person already, but this stuff sucks. I'm smart, but I can always read and learn more. I'm pretty, but with the right outfit and make up, I can be hot. I can travel and have friends and laugh and love every silly, crazy, aggravating, loving moment of being a mom, all the things that make my life feel full, but I'll never be on that level. I'm not going to rub elbows with celebrities. I highly doubt I'm going to start a business or write anything of note. This blog sure as shit doesn't count.

So why is he with me? What can I hope to offer that he couldn't find elsewhere?

Jack has all these business plans and big ideas and apps he's developing and projects and projects and projects. So my worry is two-fold: 1) Will he have any time for a relationship with me? And even if he does, I'll feel guilty for taking his focus off something more important.
2) all of that hustle and bustle isn't me. I like my life pared down a bit. Work, home, kid(s?), friends, the occasional movie/show/vacation. Does he want that? Even if he says he wants it, will he give it a try and then be bored?

These are the worries kicking around in my head.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Thought Dump

I'm just sad. Sad and defeated. My Kid hates daycare. I hate that he's miserable. I hate the disruption of our routine. I feel pressure from all sides, in every aspect of my life. And I don't think I can fulfill all my obligations.

I talk to Kate. She empathizes with me. She's kind. But I hate going to her for support because I feel like I'm always taking from her and not giving enough in return. I don't want to burn her out on being my friend.

I tried to talk to my mom. It turned into a whole discussion about me not wanting to go home for Thanksgiving, about how I'm still so hurt about the way my parents maintain a relationship with my ex husband, all her justifications about why my parents have the relationship that they do with my ex.

I don't feel like I can talk to Jack, especially since peripherally, my stress involves my ex husband. Last time I handled my stress badly, Jack dumped me. I'm not going to turn to alcohol this time, I just want to sleep and cry, its a different kind of sadness. But I don't want to give him a reason to cut me loose. And he's tired and busy with work and 50 other things, I won't allow myself to be another burden on him.

I'm in a low, shitty, awful place. The kind of headspace where I regret my divorce. Not because it was a mistake, but just because my life would be easier if John was there to help with the daycare shit. If I could count on John's paycheck. If I had someone in the same predicament with me, someone to help me figure this out. It's a weird thought process. I don't have any romantic feelings for John. None. Let's get that out of the way first.

I just wonder if we were still together, sure I'd be unhappy. But John, the Kid, my parents, John's parents would be happier. Is my happiness worth more that the happiness of 6 other people, one of whom is my son?

I feel like a selfish horrible person. I feel like all of this is my fault and I deserve this sadness.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Worn Out

The kid started day care last week. Its a long story, but his nanny of three years was no longer able to watch him.

The kid HATES day care. And because he is my child, he is stubborn as hell. He cries all day and though food is provided, he eats nothing. He tells his dad and me that daycare is "not a happy place for me."

I got a book about a raccoon that goes to school, I give him a lipstick kiss on his hand so he can have a kiss from mom (until he washes his hands).  We had to start sending in different food just so that he would eat something.

My heart hurts for him. He's never had a problem that I couldn't fix for him. He has to go to daycare, and if we weren't fighting this fight now, we'd be doing it next year when he goes to Pre-K. I know he has to learn to get used to it. But I feel like he's still my baby and he's sad and I just want to make it all go away for him.

Now that I have to add pick-up and drop-off to my daily routine, everything feels more difficult. I have to get up earlier because I have to be dressed and ready earlier. I have to wake the Kid up earlier so I can get him dressed and fed before daycare, (or as he calls it, Zebra School). After daycare, its hard to go to the store or run errands because he is so tired from crying and not eating, and he is so pitiful that its hard to turn him down when he asks in a plaintive voice if he can "just go home and rest."

I hate stuff like this. Last week was my divorce-aversary, the one year mark of my divorce being final. I haven't lived with my ex in nearly two years. In the last two years, there have been plenty of times when I would loved to have had an extra adult around the house, and extra set of eyes and ears, someone tall to reach the smoke detectors, someone with enough knowledge to deal with car repair, someone to help with the bills and double-check my math on tips and taxes.

But there isn't anyone. So over and over and over and over I've had little breakdowns. Little pity parties where I mope and get mad and maybe even cry about how hard my life is and how unfair the situation is. And then every time, every damn time, I reach deep down and find strength I didn't realize I had and I get the shit done. I prepare and file my own taxes, I remember the dosage for children's tylenol, I make sure there are vegetables and cat food in the house. I keep shit running. And I'll call it a moral victory. "I didn't think I could do it and I thought I needed a man, but the strength was inside me all along! I can do anything!"

I'm so tired.

I know that the Kid and I will get used to day care. I know that it will become, if not easier, at least routine. But I'm so tired of juggling it all. I'm working without a net. If I forget anything, if I slack on anything, its all on me.

Saturday, August 22, 2015


“…I felt like I know, I know him though and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn't do to hurt me. But I didn't realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself, and then it just be completely shattered by one thing, by something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault I was in pain.”
I am too damn old to relate to Selena Gomez's spoken part at the beginning of The Heart Wants What It Wants.

I'm disgusted with myself that I let this man dictate my moods. I can be having fun and the mention of him will send me crashing. I can be having a pity party, but kind words from him will make me feel like I'm on a hammock in the sun.

I'm disgusted with myself. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

My 3rd Annual 27th Birthday

I like other people's birthday's just fine. I'll get you a card and/or a present. I'll post a meme to your Facebook page. I'll make you the dessert of your choosing. I'll sing happy birthday to you, take shots, whatever will make it a fun birthday for you.

I don't like my birthday. I've had some majorly bad things happen on my birthday in years past. For example, I spent my 13th birthday sitting by my mom's hospital bed in the ICU wondering if she'd ever be the same. Let's please ignore mine. I don't like being the focus of attention. I'm not excited about getting older.

Jack wouldn't accept this as an answer. This year, my birthday fell on a Monday, so the Saturday before we celebrated my birthday. He made me a card, drew the art on the front, circled it with Taylor Swift lyrics, and wrote a short but sweet message inside. This man gave me a microphone signed by Taylor Swift. Its amazing and generous and thoughtful and something I would never expect. I'm going to get a shadow box to display it and basically make a shrine in my house.

Jack spent all of Saturday with me. We watched a TV show that we are both obsessive about figuring out and discussing. We went to a little local festival and ate yummy food and did some hilarious "people watching." That night, he took me to dinner. It was a great day.

Monday, my actual birthday, rolled around and I didn't expect anything. Jack had spoiled me all weekend, he'd more that fulfilled the duties of a good boyfriend. But, he had flowers delivered to me at work. After work, he showed up on my doorstep with a half dozen cupcakes.

I'm so spoiled and lucky.
And now I have two months to figure out how to reciprocate for his birthday.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

He Writes Too

Jack has a blog. Its mostly a bunch of computer jargon that makes zero sense to me. But after he broke up with me, he wrote a long post about me and us and him.

I read it 3 times.  I feel like such a garbage person To be clear, he didn't say anything nasty about me, he was actually very kind. I'm mad at myself because I figured out another piece of the puzzle.  In his post, Jack obliquely references the shit show that I was on the 4th of July. I yelled something nasty at a kid, I guess? I have no idea.

Also, apparently he usually dates girls who are less mature, less driven, and less smart. Which is fine and all. He dated, "dated smaller town girls and gone slow and romantic."
Feeling a little like a slut at the moment.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Potential Convert

My friend Jessica and I love Taylor Swift. Like, a lot. Like, almost a concerning amount of love for Queen Taylor. We've seen her in concert together twice, and a few times without each other. We know all the words to all the songs, we're up on the latest Taylor news and gossip, we evaluate her boyfriends to determine if they are worthy of Her. We're a little crazy together, its silly fun.

Currently, Taylor is on her 1989 World Tour. Of course, Jessica and I had tickets. Tickets in the pit. Until the day we get backstage and meet Her Majesty, pit tickets are as close as we can get.

Anyway, Jessica and I went to the concert, had a blast, made some new friends, saw Fetty Wap, Ciara, Russell Wilson and Queen Taylor. After the show, Jessica went home with another friend. Since my kid was with my parents for the night, earlier in the day I asked Jack if I could come by. With traffic and everything, I didn't walk in his door until about 12:30 AM. But Jack had not only waited up for me, but he had freshly made chocolate chip cookies waiting.

He asked about the show and told me he had done some Taylor research. This peaked my interest and I asked what he learned, and why. "Since it's practically your religion, I thought I should know a bit more." That was so endearing. My birthday was a few weeks away. Jack told me he'd been looking to get me something autographed by Taylor, but when that proved to be pricey, Jack read some lyrics, trying to find something he could cross stitch, but all the good quotes were too long.

At this point, I don't care if he just gives me a hug and a card for my birthday. The fact that he would even attempt to learn more about Taylor Swift, when Jack has NO interest in her, was meaningful enough for me.

We talked for a while and then got ready for bed. We hadn't spent the night together since the break up. I was worried it might be awkward. It was not awkward, if anything, our sexual chemistry was better than before. We stayed up until 5 AM, catching up and...whatnot. I told Jack that he has this way with his hands, its not even necessarily sexual it can be just holding my hand, but the way he touches me, makes me feel special and beautiful and safe.

In the morning, Jack made me pancakes. I felt spoiled and lucky, feelings I'm not used to, but certainly could get used to.

Thursday, August 13, 2015


Twice this week, Jack and I have had plans. Twice this week, Jack has gotten held up at work and had to cancel.

On Monday, the first time this week he did this, I was pissed. He texted to let me know that he was held up and very sorry but wouldn't make it tonight. I just responded, "Ok."
I was upset because it had been two weeks since we'd been together.
I was mad that I let myself get my hopes up.
I was exasperated because Jack does this semi-frequently.

Tuesday I had plans with someone else.
Wednesday, Jack and I made plan, again. And he cancelled, again.
Honestly, by that time, I was expecting him to get hung up at work and I had a lovely evening to myself. I didn't have any emotional response. I think I thought, "Huh" to myself, shrugged, and had a bowl of ice cream for dinner because I could.

Thursday, Jack and I made plans again. And he actually came over!
We sat on the couch and talked for the longest time. We had a lot to catch up on. I helped him with a small project for one of his businesses. It was light and casual and fun.

I don't know how healthy this plan is, but if I keep my expectations low, I can't be disappointed.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015


 Jack has been texting me more and acting more attentive. I can't enjoy any of it. I can't get comfortable.  I don't want to let myself get attached. I don't want to fall back in love because I don't know if I can count on Jack to catch me.

I don't know if we're supposed to go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend. Or if I have to "earn" that title back. I don't know how to act with him. I can't pretend that I haven't known him for the last sixth months. I'll ask him, but I want to do it in person. And I haven't seen him in person since we got back together.

In text Jack's been calling me "hon" and "lovely" and "doll." But I've heard him call baristas Doll because he didn't remember their name. In another text, he called me his girlfriend, which should put the matter to rest. I just want to confirm with him. I don't want to make a fool of myself assuming we are on one level and having him think differently. In other texts, Jack's said he misses me and that he needs a "Natalie fix." I know he's trying. I also know that he's very, very good at talking the talk. I'll believe it when he walks the walk.

A part of me, and I'm not sure how big this part is, but part of me feels like I've won. Jack dumped me and now I have him back. I can have him if I want him. But the chase is over. Do I want to keep him, or did I just want to prove I could have him if I wanted to?

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Los Angeles

Jack and I got back together. And then he went away for the weekend. And the weekend after that. The trip were pre-planned. I don't expect his schedule to change for me.

This weekend Jack is in LA. One of his business partners is there, he'll see some shows, do some comedy. But he's also meeting with the main office of his company. Its probably a job interview for a promotion. Its for a lot more money. But Jack would have to move to LA.

We talked about it. If they offer him the job, Jack is going to ask for an outrageous salary. He says we'd stay together and he could use the extra money to come back to Seattle to see me. Jack and I had a conversation before about long distance relationships. We've each been in one before. And we both vowed never to be in a long distance relationship again.

I have a pit in my stomach. Jack is going to get this job. He's going to get the job and the outrageous salary and he'll move away. And I'll have to get over him. Again. And try to move on. Again.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Shut Up John.

I want my ex husband to go away.

I told John that Jack and I were talking things out and sort of getting back together. This made John moody and teary. I dodged his phone calls. He later told me he was calling to talk about us. Another day, John called because he was cleaning out a desk drawer and found a stash of letters and cards I'd written to him and it made him emotional.

Its callous but, I DO NOT CARE. I bet they did make him emotional. I used to love him fiercely. I used to write him heartfelt messages. I used to want to be a good wife to him. But I'm so very very done with that.

The next day, John texted me to ask for a copy of Kiddo's insurance card. Fine, I can do that. But then John launched into a long story about losing his wallet, blah blah blah blah blah.
I don't care, man. You are not my problem. That sucks, sure. But John has been dangling his new, highly paid job in front of my face. So excuse me if I don't feel any emotion at all that he has to cancel his cards and get a new driver's license. Throw money at your problem since you have so much of it.

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Thursday, July 30, 2015

My Favorite Boy

This has nothing to do with dating. My Kid is 3 and he's been acting especially 3 lately. When I tell him its bedtime, or anything else he doesn't want to hear, he growls. He's such a picky eater that its a constant negotiation to get something besides carbs into his tummy.

Tonight after work, I picked the Kid up. He played in his sandbox while I gathered up the trash, cleaned the kitty litterboxes, took the trash can to the curb, and checked the mail. Kiddo asked me to get a chair and sit near his sandbox. I finished the chores, got a chair and my book and sat down to enjoy the sun. Before I could even open the book, Kid decides he's done playing outside and is hungry for dinner. Dang.

Made dinner for him, heated leftovers for me, fed the cats, ate, cleaned up the kitchen and gave the kid a bath. Brushed his hair, brushed his teeth, cleaned his little ears, slathered him in lotion (extra for his little sunburned face), and dressed him in his firetruck pjs. We read two stories like we always do. Usually, this is where I tell Kiddo its time to get in bed and go to sleep. He whines and fusses and eventually I run out of patience and tuck him in and leave the room.

Tonight though, I was so tired that after stories, I laid on the floor of his room. He snuggled up next to me and pointed out my cheeks, my nose, my teeth.  I asked him what color my eyes were "Blue! Just like one! We match!"  He's so damn cute.

We poked each other and giggled and snuggled on the floor for the longest time. We were laughing too much and I worried that it would be even more of a struggle to get him to sleep.

I got Kiddo into bed and tucked in. Still tired, I climbed into Kiddo's train bed too. I asked him to tell me about his day. Snuggled up, nose to nose, he told me about riding in a boat and picking blackberries. Halfway through the conversation, we lowered our voices to a whisper. There was no one but cats in the house, but it felt like sharing precious secrets.

I knew we'd been talking for a while so I asked Kiddo for my hug and a kiss before I left his room. He told me he needed "extra kisses. I need so many kisses!" I needed a sweet moment like that today. He's a good kid and I'm fortunate to be his mom.

Tuesday, July 28, 2015

We Jumped

Jack came over last night to exchange items. It was so awkward. I popped an anti-anxiety pill before he arrived because my nerves were so bad. He came in and handed me my stuff. We stood awkwardly and talked. I had my hands stuffed in my pockets, racking my brain, trying to come up with something non-pathetic I could say that I'd been doing in the last two weeks we'd been apart.

We moved to sit on the couch because standing enhanced the awkwardness. There were a lot of times no one said anything for a minute or two. We just looked at each other, and then away. How sad that I loved this man just a month ago and now I couldn't meet his eye or make conversation.

We stumbled along. Talking about our patterns in relationships. Jack's tendency to self-sabotage. My quick temper. Things we wish we could do different. Jack mentioned a potential job offer in LA, and said he was considering it "Since I got dumped and don't have anything keeping me here now."
Since you got dumped? That is so not how that conversation felt to me.

So then we hashed out who dumped who. We talked about how we missed each other. Missed the weird jokes and references that formed a language only the two of us knew. Talked about the futility of trying again. Jack talked about his need to grow up. I talked about my need to be self-reliant.

It felt like Jack thought this whole conversation was pointless, he said we didn't get along. I didn't think that was the case. I got teary because I felt like I was begging for him to give me a chance, pleading for a hopeless cause.

I told Jack that if this was just a weird way of breaking up again, if he was trying to let me down easy, that I would prefer that he just end it and get it over with. Jack insisted that wasn't what he was doing.  Said that he just didn't think he could be the right guy for me, the man worthy of me. But that he knew it wasn't fair to keep me in limbo while he tried to grow up, but that he was scared of seeing me find someone else. I told him I didn't want to find someone else, unless he didn't want me, because then, yeah, I'll eventually find someone else.

When we were together, Jack said several times that he needed to step his game up, that he wasn't sweeping me off my feet. I don't need to be swept off my feet, I want something real.  I didn't need big gestures, the way Jack would smile when he looked at me, the way he'd actually listen when I talked about my day, that he tried to explain his problems at work to me, everywhere we went together I felt like he was showing me off, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, that was more than enough for me.

I was too teary and tired to keep going around and around with Jack. I said, "Either we end this for good now, or we give it a try, and maybe things won't work out and we'll break up for good next time, or maybe it will work out and we'll go live the life we talked about. We can talk and talk about it, but at a certain point, you take a chance and jump or you don't."

We decided to jump.

He had me promise to be more patient. I had him promise to be more communicative. We both agreed to make an effort to not let outside forces influence us too much. To not discuss our new fledgling relationship with Trish (who set us up originally) or Trish's husband Jeff (who is very anti-Natalie and I don't know why).

I don't know where we go from here. I know what I want, and I know it will take hard work from both of us to make this work. I'm hopeful but nervous.

Monday, July 27, 2015

A Complication I Don't Need

John keeps being around. We took the Kid on an outing. The Kid is always around. I have no need to hang out with John, just the two of us.

Even though I told John I don't want a relationship with him, even though I told him I just want to be friends, he's pushing for more. Again. Not respecting my boundaries and thinking he can change my mind. John has known me for years, but he doesn't really know me anymore. He doesn't know the bullshit I've been through with other men. I'm stronger now. "No" doesn't mean "convince me."

I'm still very hung up on Jack. I want to make things work with Jack. This might be impossible, and it might be a horrible idea, but right now, it's where my thoughts are focused.

I don't want to hurt John, but if he won't leave me alone and stop pushing for more, I'll have to get more direct and blunt. It probably needs to happen. I think John needs the closure. I've been kind and accommodating in the past because he's going to be in my life no matter what, so I wanted us to communicate amicably about Kiddo. I'm worried that if I tell him, "We are never ever getting back together" (Thanks, T Swift) that he'll lash out, or try to make my life more difficult in some way.

Thursday, July 23, 2015


"My alone feels so good, I'll only have you if you're sweeter than my solitude."

I don't know if you can call it a hobby, but I have a notebook. Whenever I find a quote I like, I write in my notebook. I came across the quote above and I have to get back to living that way. I feel like I had that for a few months. I was truckin along with work and being a decent mom. I planned my trip to DC and I was doing things for me.

Somewhere I hit a speed bump. I don't really know what it was, what went wrong. But I know I got clingy and needy and anxious. I hate this. I can see and feel myself doing the wrong thing. Drinking too much. Going out, having erratic sleep, just generally being reckless because I don't care what happens to me. And I can't blame it all on Jack. I have problems with my parents and my ex husband too.

I spent today running a few errands and relaxing. Being happy and content in my own skin, in my own house. Its a skill I need to cultivate more. I need to make a habit of finding healthier ways to fill my time.

I don't know what the point of this is. I just know that when something of note happens, my first instincts are to 1) drink and/or 2) write about it. So I find myself writing. I'll send this out into the void that is the internet. Maybe I think that just writing this out will help me keep myself accountable.

Wednesday, July 22, 2015

572 and Counting...

After the break up, we had no contact for about 10 days. I couldn't stand the dull roar of questions in my head so I typed up some notes. I intended to send Jack an email. I texted him to ask if we were allowed to talk. He said yes. We set up a time to have a phone conversation.

I spent the day with knots in my stomach. (Actually since the breakup I've been so anxious and nervous that I've lost 7 lbs. Silver lining!) At the appointed time I called. I was so glad to have my notes for reference. I was beyond nervous. I apologized again for my actions at the 4th of July party. I outlined the steps I'm taking to improve myself. I asked if he was serious when he told me that maybe we could give it another try some day.

Jack meant it. He said he cares about me. He wants me to be healthy and happy, even if I'm not with him. He thanked me for not bad mouthing him on facebook. He told me he realized he has some growing up to do as well.

It was a good talk. I felt a sense of closure. Even if we never get back together, I'm glad we had that talk. It put some of my fears to rest. Mostly, I just wanted to hear that he still cared because I was really struggling with the fact that 2 weeks prior, we exchanged "I love yous."  Jack suggested that he could bring my belongings to my house sometime next week. That we would have no expectations of how this exchange would go, but maybe we'd talk for 5 minutes, maybe we'd end up having dinner together. I told him I had a few of his things as well. He said he didn't care.

"Oh, that sucks because I was keeping your hoodie as collateral. But if you don't care about it, I have no cards to play"

"No, I mean, I want the hoodie, its my only one, but I'd rather my hoodie be with you than anywhere else."

As we ended the conversation, Jack told me he'd call me the next day.

He did not call the next day. Or the day after that. On the evening of the second day, one drink turned into five and I texted him. I asked him what happened to talking like he said. "I said I'd try. I'm still not good at that of course but I said I might talk to you tomorrow."

Bullshit. I'm sick of this bullshit. He was all over Facebook Friday and Saturday. If I was important, he would have found 30 seconds to text me. This is the same fight we've been having as long as I've known him.

I was drunk and sad when I received that text. So I downloaded Tinder to my phone. I wanted a quick self esteem boost and within 12 hours I had 4 men ask me out on dates. I didn't make plans with any of them. I don't intend to go out with anyone.

I needed Tinder for 2 reasons.
1) To distract me. Its a lot easier not to worry when a guy is going to text you, if you're busy talking to a lot of other people.
2) To remind me that I'm attractive. As of writing this, I have 572 tinder matches (some are leftover from the last time I used the app, earlier this year). If Jack doesn't want me, doesn't want to work on the relationship that we both agreed was full of potential, then I'll wait until my heart is more healed, and go out and find a man that loves me the way I deserve to be loved.

Tuesday, July 21, 2015

A Pattern Emerges

I saw my therapist today. (At least pretend to be surprised that I have a therapist.) I've been seeing him, off and on as needed for 4...5? years. I hadn't seen him in a few months so I had a lot to tell him to get him up to speed. For clarity's sake, we're calling the therapist Bill.

One of the things I wanted Bill's take on was the whole Jack fiasco. Bill helped me see that I have a pattern of depending on a man to take care of me. I have joked for a long time that my Dad would trade me to a Saudi man for 2 sheep and a goat so long as he thought the Saudi could keep me in line. But I had been living my life that way as well.

When I was younger, I depended on my Dad, like kids do. But I also saw my Mom depend on my Dad. A lot. Even now, if my dad dies first, I know my mom will need a lot of help navigating financials and paperwork, etc. Dad handles all that.

Then I got married and depended on John. When I decided he was too unreliable, I depended on Tom. When Tom turned out to be a fucking psycho, I dated and dated and dated until I got tired and took a break.

I did my own taxes.I kept the kid alive and the house standing. I planned, paid for, and took a trip all on my own.  I was as independant as I've ever been. But then I came home from my trip, things got serious with Jack and I gave up on myself. I stopped being independent because I thought my White Knight had arrived.

I could feel myself growing clingy and needy and hating it. I think it played a part in the break up with Jack. I swear, once I saw this pathetic pattern, a switch was flipped. I've been enjoying my alone time. I've been keeping myself entertained at home, not drinking, not pestering my friends or parents or Jack or John via text to keep me company.

I see the pattern now. I need to be mindful of it. Even when I eventually get into another relationship, I need to keep standing on my own two feet.

Monday, July 20, 2015

Begin Again

Music has a big effect on my mood, I think it does for most people. All my playlists were created with a mood in mind. A playlist to feel like a bad bitch when I'm getting ready to go out, a playlist that will make me cry if I need to let some tears out, a playlist to hype me up in the morning, etc. You get the picture.

Coming on the heels of this breakup with Jack, I've been getting a lot of use out of my "Over.It." playlist. Its been good for breakups or whenever I'm generally pissed off.

Mostly for breakups, I go through stages. Taylor Swift is at the top of the list but I have a whole lot of lady power to help me get by.
Sad: Taylor. Mariah. Celine. Adele. Selena Gomez.

Mad: Taylor. Alanis. Miranda Lambert. Pink.
Fuck You, I'm Fabulous: Taylor. Beyonce. Britney. Christina. Ke$ha (I can feel your judgment from here and I don't give a single fuck.)

I'm Going To Be Just Fine: Taylor.Whitney. Katy Perry. Demi Lovato.
I've moved out of the "Sad" phase. I'm had a few all day Taylor marathons in my office. The first week was the hardest but this feels survivable now.

Sunday, July 19, 2015

Case of the Ex

I have to give my ex husband a pseudonym because now I have to talk about him. Let's say John.

After I got dumped I was a wreck.
John saw an opportunity.
He works just blocks from me now and a few days after the Jack breakup, John invited me to lunch. Just as friends.

I agreed for a few reasons. First, I felt like my life was falling apart,so who cares if I made one more poor decision. Second, I've known John since I was 15. He has numerous flaws and faults, but 2 years ago, he knew everything about me. Since he'll always be in my life, I hope he can be my friend. I have no resentment or ill will towards John anymore. And lastly, a small part of me thought he might buy my lunch. I'm willing to go through a lot for a free meal. (I bought my own lunch FYI)

John and I had lunch. I explained my 4th of July antics and resulting consequences. He told me about his new condo and attempts at dating. It was fine if a bit stilted and awkward.

I went back to work that afternoon and a crushing weight of loneliness settled on my chest. John was nice and texted to  check up on me. I said I needed a hug but knew that wasn't fair to ask of him. When I left work, there was John at my bus stop. He gave me a big enveloping hug.  I didn't need a hug specifically from or from a man per se, I needed physical contact.

John rode the bus with me. He patted my leg. He briefly put his arm around my shoulders.
Anything I do or say to John he interprets as a sign that there is hope for us. It makes me think I need to act overtly hostile towards him so that I don't get blamed for leading him on.

I had a brief fantasy in my head: What my life could be life if I gave things a chance with John. He had a steady, well paid job now. I wouldn't have to live on such a tight budget. There would be another adult in case I got burned out from Kiddo.
But, I didn't love John romantically. I didn't want him in my bed.

Finally the bus ride was over. He invited me to see his new condo. I accepted the invite because I wanted to see the place where my son will live 50% of the time. Once we got to the condo, John showed me around. He had a slip of the tongue which lead to his confession that my parents had socialized with John on Sunday, without me, after I told them that their relationship with John made me uncomfortable and like they loved me less. I asked them not to have contact with John more than strictly necessary. And they had ignored my request.

Then I got a text that Kiddo's nanny of 3 years was giving her two week notice. John had known for 24 hours but didn't tell me. The brief fantasy I had allowed myself or being financially secure. crashed down. It was just that, a fantasy. John was still the same liar.

I excused myself and drove home because I knew tears were imminent. Mostly the tears were because I felt betrayed by my mom and upset that now, on top of everything, I needed to find new childcare.

That Saturday, John and I took our Kiddo on an adventure. It was fine. I think its good for Kiddo to see that his parents can interact in an amicable way. Saturday night, I couldn't bear to be alone after Kiddo went to bed. John brought over take out and watched a movie with me. I knew I was in dangerous territory with this. Asking him to be around would only make John think that we could be a couple again. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted someone to sit on the couch with me.

The next day John called. He wanted to talk about us and if we were just friends or if there was something more. I told John I appreciated his friendship. I appreciated bringing me dinner. I appreciated how compassionate he was being.
I also told him that I was not interested in a relationship. The situation with Jack had my mind reeling. I was not able to be in a relationship with anymore, let alone John. I also told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him because the stakes were too high. In reality, I'm not attracted to him anymore. We have too much history and under no set of circumstances do I want a romantic relationship with him. He hasn't changed.