Monday, December 28, 2015

Winter Repeats

I wrote something a week before Christmas, getting all my ranting frustrations out. I thought that would be enough of a release but it wasn't. I plucked up my courage and had a conversation with Jack about the state of our relationship.

It went fine. He said the right things, he always says the right things. We had 3 good days over Christmas. And now it's back to how it is. He has some stuff going on, and its not my place to talk about it, so I won't. But how much slack am I required to give.

Something always comes up. There is always some new reason why he acts the way he does. I'm tired of talking about it. He'll say all the right things. I'll feel like a bitch for even making us have a conversation. Things will be good. And then back next week I'll be right back here again.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. And what's worse is that I don't think I can.

Friday, December 18, 2015

A New Project

I need something to do. The kid is with his dad half the time. Jack doesn't have a job but I don't see him any more than I did before. I have some free time on my hands and I need to fill it or I'll get into trouble. Books and TV aren't holding my interest, and while I could and should go to the gym, I'm going to be honest and say that's not going to happen.

I need a hobby. But I feel broke as shit and nothing sounds interesting. And its too freaking cold to take up something outdoorsy. (Everyone else in the Pacific Northwest has an outdoorsy hobby). I kind of want a part time job. Something I could do on the side. Not retail because the hours suck and they always schedule you for inconvenient times.

There is a MLM I'm considering. I buy the products anyway and could do it, but it seems so pyramid-y. I'm doing some research and finding that I wouldn't need to sign other people up, in theory I could turn a profit just selling the product, not creating a team or downline or whatever you want to call it.

Extra money would be nice. The kid is only going to get more expensive as he grows. I need to make sure that I won't lose money because I can't really afford that. I'm planning to talk it over with my dad because he's extremely smart and level headed. I know from watching my friends sell shit on Facebook that this looks like a dumb idea, and I keep talking myself out of it, but there is this tantalizing chance that I could actually make a buck. So I keep reading and calulating and thining and debating.

Thursday, December 17, 2015

The Grinch

I am trying like hell to get in the Christmas spirit. The tree went up right after Thanksgiving. we visited Santa, we made cookies, we decorated the house, a gingerbread house, watched all the classics, Christmas music round the clock. I'm just going through the motions for the kid. He's old enough to get it and be excited. I want him to have a good Christmas and set the foundation for fun traditions.

If I'm honest with myself, every holiday since his dad and I split up has been like this. I just don't give a shit. I go through the motions and do what I need to so that the kid has a good time. There is no feeling behind it for me. I don't need any gifts. I don't care if I wake up to an empty stocking. Usually 4th of July is my favorite holiday but John, alcohol, and my drunk mouth ruined that this year too.

I don't think this is depression? I take my meds, I go to work, everyone is happy and healthy and there is food in the house. I do all the things I'm supposed to do or "like" to do. It's like I've lost my sense of taste, you keep eating to survive, but you don't really care what  you eat. You eat so you'll keep living but you derive no pleasure from it.

I used to easily read 40 books a year. I think I've read 5 this year, maybe 10 last year. I just can't get into anything. I've been listening to podcasts and watching the news more, reading more articles online, so I haven't let my brain completely atrophy. The DVR fills up with the shows I've asked it to tape and used to greedily devour. I just don't care anymore. And I thought, ok maybe this show got boring or that show lost good characters. But has that happened to every show I used to like? Maybe it's just me. I used to love hockey, I haven't watched a game once this season.

I wake up, I go to work, I parent (with varying degrees of success), I go to sleep. Repeat.
I make time for friends. I maintain a relationship. I run errands. I have conversations. I turn the tv on but don't absorb what they say. I am hollow.

I don't think I'm depressed. I'm not really sad. Nothing is wrong with me, my life is as fine as it ever is, little bumps here and there.
I've never been suicidal, but I've periods of life where I didn't want to exist anymore. It's a weird concept for some people to get. I don't want to harm myself. I just wish I never was. I think about not existing, if somehow I disappeared, but it had no impact on my parents or kid or anyone else.

But I don't even feel like that right now. I feel like I'm in a body snatchers movie or something. I see my life unfolding in front of me, I'm sitting in the driver's seat but I can't or won't grip the steering wheel. I guess the most fitting word is ennui. I don't know how to shake it.