The Kitten

This weekend was not a great look for me. I was jealous of a kitten. Do you know how shitty that is? To be jealous and resentful of a 7 week old, tiny ball of fluff.

Jack is over-extended financially. He recently had to pull money out of his 401(k). His car needs repairs. He has at least one trip to LA planned for next month, probably more as he and friend get ready to launch a new company in January. Basically, he's busy. Really, really busy and somewhat broke. Also he has one cat, and I have two and we discussed that him getting another cat will delay us moving in together.

But on Saturday, he went and adopted a kitten. Earlier that day, I told him it was a bad idea. I told him I'm not against the idea of a kitten per se, but now if not a great time. He got a kitten anyway.

I was mad. Not quite seething, but more than irritated. When I calmed down enough, I explained to Jack that, yes the kitten is here now and everyone will love it and get adjusted to this, but if this is how he makes decisions, if this is what his impulse control is like, it makes me hesitant to "hitch my wagon" and my son to this man. I told him it makes me worry that we'll all end up living under a highway overpass.

Jack told me these were all valid concerns. Then he told me that his plan was, that as he was with and around me more, he would stop making such crazy decisions. He promised me that there is still room for me in his life.

At the time, I was satisfied with that answer. But the more I think about it, the more I'm scared. This is exactly how my ex-husband would make decisions. John would do whatever he wanted and I would go along to get along. I know Jack and I aren't married, I know he can make whatever decisions he wants and I don't really get a vote. But I'm scared. I don't want to be in another relationship where my whole life can be tossed into upheaval because of a decision I wasn't asked about.

I know this is just a kitten and its not a huge life decision. But it means more than that to me. And I'm scared.