Thursday, September 10, 2015

Sometimes, people Like Me. Sometimes I like me too.

I'm not a huge fan of Lena Dunham. I've watched the first 2 or 3 seasons of Girls and found parts of all the characters relatable. But besides all that, theres this quote. 
“No one could ever hate me as much as I hate myself. OK? So any mean thing that someone’s gonna think of to say about me I’ve already said to me, about me, probably in the last half-hour.” 
Holy Shit. That bitch has been reading my high school journals or some shit. I've had that same thought. I'm really hard on myself. I think I learned it from my parents. An "A-" was ok, and an "A" is better, but when I brought those home, they'd ask, "Did you really try? Did you really do your best?" Probably not.

 Academically, I'm very lucky. Giving it a moderate effort is enough for me to get an above average grade. It worked in high school. It worked as I completed two majors in college. It worked when I got not just accepted to, but offered scholarships at a handful of law schools. I know I'm smart and a lucky undeserving brat. I can't really enjoy any of those successes because I know I'm not trying my very best. But if someone tells me I'm smart, I can accept the compliment nicely.


I am unable to graciously accept a compliment about my looks. I'm the worst. I think I'm cute, or on a good day, pretty.

I'm actually pretty obnoxious with my deflecting of compliments. I've had men tell me I'm beautiful or sexy or whatever. I used to verbally disagree. Then I progressed to not arguing, but I would roll my eyes, because I'm awful. Now, I still roll my eyes, but I'll correct myself and say, "Thank you."

Building self confidence is a big project, one I'm not sure I'll ever finish. But part of helping me with this project, was finding women who get it, who lift me up. I will always be thankful that I stumbled across Brittany Gibbons' blog years ago (Brittany Herself) through her blog, and later facebook group, and later still, her book, I've made amazing friends, learned a lot, laughed a lot, cried a little, and I'm a bit further along in my journey towards seeing in myself what others already see in me. 

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