Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Thought Dump

I'm just sad. Sad and defeated. My Kid hates daycare. I hate that he's miserable. I hate the disruption of our routine. I feel pressure from all sides, in every aspect of my life. And I don't think I can fulfill all my obligations.

I talk to Kate. She empathizes with me. She's kind. But I hate going to her for support because I feel like I'm always taking from her and not giving enough in return. I don't want to burn her out on being my friend.

I tried to talk to my mom. It turned into a whole discussion about me not wanting to go home for Thanksgiving, about how I'm still so hurt about the way my parents maintain a relationship with my ex husband, all her justifications about why my parents have the relationship that they do with my ex.

I don't feel like I can talk to Jack, especially since peripherally, my stress involves my ex husband. Last time I handled my stress badly, Jack dumped me. I'm not going to turn to alcohol this time, I just want to sleep and cry, its a different kind of sadness. But I don't want to give him a reason to cut me loose. And he's tired and busy with work and 50 other things, I won't allow myself to be another burden on him.

I'm in a low, shitty, awful place. The kind of headspace where I regret my divorce. Not because it was a mistake, but just because my life would be easier if John was there to help with the daycare shit. If I could count on John's paycheck. If I had someone in the same predicament with me, someone to help me figure this out. It's a weird thought process. I don't have any romantic feelings for John. None. Let's get that out of the way first.

I just wonder if we were still together, sure I'd be unhappy. But John, the Kid, my parents, John's parents would be happier. Is my happiness worth more that the happiness of 6 other people, one of whom is my son?

I feel like a selfish horrible person. I feel like all of this is my fault and I deserve this sadness.

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