Monday, August 31, 2015

The Kitten

This weekend was not a great look for me. I was jealous of a kitten. Do you know how shitty that is? To be jealous and resentful of a 7 week old, tiny ball of fluff.

Jack is over-extended financially. He recently had to pull money out of his 401(k). His car needs repairs. He has at least one trip to LA planned for next month, probably more as he and friend get ready to launch a new company in January. Basically, he's busy. Really, really busy and somewhat broke. Also he has one cat, and I have two and we discussed that him getting another cat will delay us moving in together.

But on Saturday, he went and adopted a kitten. Earlier that day, I told him it was a bad idea. I told him I'm not against the idea of a kitten per se, but now if not a great time. He got a kitten anyway.

I was mad. Not quite seething, but more than irritated. When I calmed down enough, I explained to Jack that, yes the kitten is here now and everyone will love it and get adjusted to this, but if this is how he makes decisions, if this is what his impulse control is like, it makes me hesitant to "hitch my wagon" and my son to this man. I told him it makes me worry that we'll all end up living under a highway overpass.

Jack told me these were all valid concerns. Then he told me that his plan was, that as he was with and around me more, he would stop making such crazy decisions. He promised me that there is still room for me in his life.

At the time, I was satisfied with that answer. But the more I think about it, the more I'm scared. This is exactly how my ex-husband would make decisions. John would do whatever he wanted and I would go along to get along. I know Jack and I aren't married, I know he can make whatever decisions he wants and I don't really get a vote. But I'm scared. I don't want to be in another relationship where my whole life can be tossed into upheaval because of a decision I wasn't asked about.

I know this is just a kitten and its not a huge life decision. But it means more than that to me. And I'm scared.

Thursday, August 27, 2015


Last weekend Jack went to LA to discuss a business idea with a friend of his. Then he went to a comedy show and hung out with a bunch of comics. Legitimately famous ones that you've seen on TV.

Jack and I were having dinner at my house last night. I cooked, shocking I know. But over dinner I asked him to tell me about the trip. And he did and had a whole story about all the comedians he interacted with. When he finished, he asked me what bedtime stories I read to the kid that night.
I'm sure he didn't mean anything by it, but I felt like a loser.

He's out having an amazing time, and I'm just a mom with a non-descript job, living a fairly ordinary life. Its exactly how I felt when I was seeing Jay. They've had all these adventures that make for jealousy-inducing anecdotes. And then there's me. Blah.

I'm an insecure person already, but this stuff sucks. I'm smart, but I can always read and learn more. I'm pretty, but with the right outfit and make up, I can be hot. I can travel and have friends and laugh and love every silly, crazy, aggravating, loving moment of being a mom, all the things that make my life feel full, but I'll never be on that level. I'm not going to rub elbows with celebrities. I highly doubt I'm going to start a business or write anything of note. This blog sure as shit doesn't count.

So why is he with me? What can I hope to offer that he couldn't find elsewhere?

Jack has all these business plans and big ideas and apps he's developing and projects and projects and projects. So my worry is two-fold: 1) Will he have any time for a relationship with me? And even if he does, I'll feel guilty for taking his focus off something more important.
2) all of that hustle and bustle isn't me. I like my life pared down a bit. Work, home, kid(s?), friends, the occasional movie/show/vacation. Does he want that? Even if he says he wants it, will he give it a try and then be bored?

These are the worries kicking around in my head.

Tuesday, August 25, 2015

Thought Dump

I'm just sad. Sad and defeated. My Kid hates daycare. I hate that he's miserable. I hate the disruption of our routine. I feel pressure from all sides, in every aspect of my life. And I don't think I can fulfill all my obligations.

I talk to Kate. She empathizes with me. She's kind. But I hate going to her for support because I feel like I'm always taking from her and not giving enough in return. I don't want to burn her out on being my friend.

I tried to talk to my mom. It turned into a whole discussion about me not wanting to go home for Thanksgiving, about how I'm still so hurt about the way my parents maintain a relationship with my ex husband, all her justifications about why my parents have the relationship that they do with my ex.

I don't feel like I can talk to Jack, especially since peripherally, my stress involves my ex husband. Last time I handled my stress badly, Jack dumped me. I'm not going to turn to alcohol this time, I just want to sleep and cry, its a different kind of sadness. But I don't want to give him a reason to cut me loose. And he's tired and busy with work and 50 other things, I won't allow myself to be another burden on him.

I'm in a low, shitty, awful place. The kind of headspace where I regret my divorce. Not because it was a mistake, but just because my life would be easier if John was there to help with the daycare shit. If I could count on John's paycheck. If I had someone in the same predicament with me, someone to help me figure this out. It's a weird thought process. I don't have any romantic feelings for John. None. Let's get that out of the way first.

I just wonder if we were still together, sure I'd be unhappy. But John, the Kid, my parents, John's parents would be happier. Is my happiness worth more that the happiness of 6 other people, one of whom is my son?

I feel like a selfish horrible person. I feel like all of this is my fault and I deserve this sadness.

Monday, August 24, 2015

Worn Out

The kid started day care last week. Its a long story, but his nanny of three years was no longer able to watch him.

The kid HATES day care. And because he is my child, he is stubborn as hell. He cries all day and though food is provided, he eats nothing. He tells his dad and me that daycare is "not a happy place for me."

I got a book about a raccoon that goes to school, I give him a lipstick kiss on his hand so he can have a kiss from mom (until he washes his hands).  We had to start sending in different food just so that he would eat something.

My heart hurts for him. He's never had a problem that I couldn't fix for him. He has to go to daycare, and if we weren't fighting this fight now, we'd be doing it next year when he goes to Pre-K. I know he has to learn to get used to it. But I feel like he's still my baby and he's sad and I just want to make it all go away for him.

Now that I have to add pick-up and drop-off to my daily routine, everything feels more difficult. I have to get up earlier because I have to be dressed and ready earlier. I have to wake the Kid up earlier so I can get him dressed and fed before daycare, (or as he calls it, Zebra School). After daycare, its hard to go to the store or run errands because he is so tired from crying and not eating, and he is so pitiful that its hard to turn him down when he asks in a plaintive voice if he can "just go home and rest."

I hate stuff like this. Last week was my divorce-aversary, the one year mark of my divorce being final. I haven't lived with my ex in nearly two years. In the last two years, there have been plenty of times when I would loved to have had an extra adult around the house, and extra set of eyes and ears, someone tall to reach the smoke detectors, someone with enough knowledge to deal with car repair, someone to help with the bills and double-check my math on tips and taxes.

But there isn't anyone. So over and over and over and over I've had little breakdowns. Little pity parties where I mope and get mad and maybe even cry about how hard my life is and how unfair the situation is. And then every time, every damn time, I reach deep down and find strength I didn't realize I had and I get the shit done. I prepare and file my own taxes, I remember the dosage for children's tylenol, I make sure there are vegetables and cat food in the house. I keep shit running. And I'll call it a moral victory. "I didn't think I could do it and I thought I needed a man, but the strength was inside me all along! I can do anything!"

I'm so tired.

I know that the Kid and I will get used to day care. I know that it will become, if not easier, at least routine. But I'm so tired of juggling it all. I'm working without a net. If I forget anything, if I slack on anything, its all on me.

Saturday, August 22, 2015


“…I felt like I know, I know him though and I know his heart and I know what he wouldn't do to hurt me. But I didn't realize that feeling so confident, feeling so great about myself, and then it just be completely shattered by one thing, by something so stupid. But then you make me feel crazy, you make me feel like it’s my fault I was in pain.”
I am too damn old to relate to Selena Gomez's spoken part at the beginning of The Heart Wants What It Wants.

I'm disgusted with myself that I let this man dictate my moods. I can be having fun and the mention of him will send me crashing. I can be having a pity party, but kind words from him will make me feel like I'm on a hammock in the sun.

I'm disgusted with myself. 

Wednesday, August 19, 2015

My 3rd Annual 27th Birthday

I like other people's birthday's just fine. I'll get you a card and/or a present. I'll post a meme to your Facebook page. I'll make you the dessert of your choosing. I'll sing happy birthday to you, take shots, whatever will make it a fun birthday for you.

I don't like my birthday. I've had some majorly bad things happen on my birthday in years past. For example, I spent my 13th birthday sitting by my mom's hospital bed in the ICU wondering if she'd ever be the same. Let's please ignore mine. I don't like being the focus of attention. I'm not excited about getting older.

Jack wouldn't accept this as an answer. This year, my birthday fell on a Monday, so the Saturday before we celebrated my birthday. He made me a card, drew the art on the front, circled it with Taylor Swift lyrics, and wrote a short but sweet message inside. This man gave me a microphone signed by Taylor Swift. Its amazing and generous and thoughtful and something I would never expect. I'm going to get a shadow box to display it and basically make a shrine in my house.

Jack spent all of Saturday with me. We watched a TV show that we are both obsessive about figuring out and discussing. We went to a little local festival and ate yummy food and did some hilarious "people watching." That night, he took me to dinner. It was a great day.

Monday, my actual birthday, rolled around and I didn't expect anything. Jack had spoiled me all weekend, he'd more that fulfilled the duties of a good boyfriend. But, he had flowers delivered to me at work. After work, he showed up on my doorstep with a half dozen cupcakes.

I'm so spoiled and lucky.
And now I have two months to figure out how to reciprocate for his birthday.

Tuesday, August 18, 2015

He Writes Too

Jack has a blog. Its mostly a bunch of computer jargon that makes zero sense to me. But after he broke up with me, he wrote a long post about me and us and him.

I read it 3 times.  I feel like such a garbage person To be clear, he didn't say anything nasty about me, he was actually very kind. I'm mad at myself because I figured out another piece of the puzzle.  In his post, Jack obliquely references the shit show that I was on the 4th of July. I yelled something nasty at a kid, I guess? I have no idea.

Also, apparently he usually dates girls who are less mature, less driven, and less smart. Which is fine and all. He dated, "dated smaller town girls and gone slow and romantic."
Feeling a little like a slut at the moment.

Friday, August 14, 2015

A Potential Convert

My friend Jessica and I love Taylor Swift. Like, a lot. Like, almost a concerning amount of love for Queen Taylor. We've seen her in concert together twice, and a few times without each other. We know all the words to all the songs, we're up on the latest Taylor news and gossip, we evaluate her boyfriends to determine if they are worthy of Her. We're a little crazy together, its silly fun.

Currently, Taylor is on her 1989 World Tour. Of course, Jessica and I had tickets. Tickets in the pit. Until the day we get backstage and meet Her Majesty, pit tickets are as close as we can get.

Anyway, Jessica and I went to the concert, had a blast, made some new friends, saw Fetty Wap, Ciara, Russell Wilson and Queen Taylor. After the show, Jessica went home with another friend. Since my kid was with my parents for the night, earlier in the day I asked Jack if I could come by. With traffic and everything, I didn't walk in his door until about 12:30 AM. But Jack had not only waited up for me, but he had freshly made chocolate chip cookies waiting.

He asked about the show and told me he had done some Taylor research. This peaked my interest and I asked what he learned, and why. "Since it's practically your religion, I thought I should know a bit more." That was so endearing. My birthday was a few weeks away. Jack told me he'd been looking to get me something autographed by Taylor, but when that proved to be pricey, Jack read some lyrics, trying to find something he could cross stitch, but all the good quotes were too long.

At this point, I don't care if he just gives me a hug and a card for my birthday. The fact that he would even attempt to learn more about Taylor Swift, when Jack has NO interest in her, was meaningful enough for me.

We talked for a while and then got ready for bed. We hadn't spent the night together since the break up. I was worried it might be awkward. It was not awkward, if anything, our sexual chemistry was better than before. We stayed up until 5 AM, catching up and...whatnot. I told Jack that he has this way with his hands, its not even necessarily sexual it can be just holding my hand, but the way he touches me, makes me feel special and beautiful and safe.

In the morning, Jack made me pancakes. I felt spoiled and lucky, feelings I'm not used to, but certainly could get used to.

Thursday, August 13, 2015


Twice this week, Jack and I have had plans. Twice this week, Jack has gotten held up at work and had to cancel.

On Monday, the first time this week he did this, I was pissed. He texted to let me know that he was held up and very sorry but wouldn't make it tonight. I just responded, "Ok."
I was upset because it had been two weeks since we'd been together.
I was mad that I let myself get my hopes up.
I was exasperated because Jack does this semi-frequently.

Tuesday I had plans with someone else.
Wednesday, Jack and I made plan, again. And he cancelled, again.
Honestly, by that time, I was expecting him to get hung up at work and I had a lovely evening to myself. I didn't have any emotional response. I think I thought, "Huh" to myself, shrugged, and had a bowl of ice cream for dinner because I could.

Thursday, Jack and I made plans again. And he actually came over!
We sat on the couch and talked for the longest time. We had a lot to catch up on. I helped him with a small project for one of his businesses. It was light and casual and fun.

I don't know how healthy this plan is, but if I keep my expectations low, I can't be disappointed.

Wednesday, August 12, 2015


 Jack has been texting me more and acting more attentive. I can't enjoy any of it. I can't get comfortable.  I don't want to let myself get attached. I don't want to fall back in love because I don't know if I can count on Jack to catch me.

I don't know if we're supposed to go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend. Or if I have to "earn" that title back. I don't know how to act with him. I can't pretend that I haven't known him for the last sixth months. I'll ask him, but I want to do it in person. And I haven't seen him in person since we got back together.

In text Jack's been calling me "hon" and "lovely" and "doll." But I've heard him call baristas Doll because he didn't remember their name. In another text, he called me his girlfriend, which should put the matter to rest. I just want to confirm with him. I don't want to make a fool of myself assuming we are on one level and having him think differently. In other texts, Jack's said he misses me and that he needs a "Natalie fix." I know he's trying. I also know that he's very, very good at talking the talk. I'll believe it when he walks the walk.

A part of me, and I'm not sure how big this part is, but part of me feels like I've won. Jack dumped me and now I have him back. I can have him if I want him. But the chase is over. Do I want to keep him, or did I just want to prove I could have him if I wanted to?

Tuesday, August 4, 2015

Los Angeles

Jack and I got back together. And then he went away for the weekend. And the weekend after that. The trip were pre-planned. I don't expect his schedule to change for me.

This weekend Jack is in LA. One of his business partners is there, he'll see some shows, do some comedy. But he's also meeting with the main office of his company. Its probably a job interview for a promotion. Its for a lot more money. But Jack would have to move to LA.

We talked about it. If they offer him the job, Jack is going to ask for an outrageous salary. He says we'd stay together and he could use the extra money to come back to Seattle to see me. Jack and I had a conversation before about long distance relationships. We've each been in one before. And we both vowed never to be in a long distance relationship again.

I have a pit in my stomach. Jack is going to get this job. He's going to get the job and the outrageous salary and he'll move away. And I'll have to get over him. Again. And try to move on. Again.

Monday, August 3, 2015

Shut Up John.

I want my ex husband to go away.

I told John that Jack and I were talking things out and sort of getting back together. This made John moody and teary. I dodged his phone calls. He later told me he was calling to talk about us. Another day, John called because he was cleaning out a desk drawer and found a stash of letters and cards I'd written to him and it made him emotional.

Its callous but, I DO NOT CARE. I bet they did make him emotional. I used to love him fiercely. I used to write him heartfelt messages. I used to want to be a good wife to him. But I'm so very very done with that.

The next day, John texted me to ask for a copy of Kiddo's insurance card. Fine, I can do that. But then John launched into a long story about losing his wallet, blah blah blah blah blah.
I don't care, man. You are not my problem. That sucks, sure. But John has been dangling his new, highly paid job in front of my face. So excuse me if I don't feel any emotion at all that he has to cancel his cards and get a new driver's license. Throw money at your problem since you have so much of it.

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