Friday, April 29, 2016

Brandon 3

What am I doing with this man. Every other day, I'm thinking, "I'm in love, have a key to my home, live me us, love me like this forever." And then on the other days, "The sexual attraction is ....lacking, for fuck's sake stop talking, please get a job or a hobby or fucking something to do besidesfollow me like a puppy."

Its not good. I know I'm making this worse. In a phase where I thought it was love, I introduced Brandon to the kid. And my mom. And had dinner with his mom and brother. And agreed to a trip together next month.

Now I'm obligated to stay for a while.

He has like, 2 flaws. Nothing major. Nothing that should prohibit me from being crazy about this man. But I'm not, most of the time. The idea of starting over exhausts me. I don't want all the damn dating apps. I don't want shit first dates and awkward conversation. I don't want to throw this fish back only to find out there is nothing wrong with him, its what's wrong with me that makes me feel this way.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016


Beyonce is getting me through some shit y'all.

I know its not "for me." But I love it, its art, its important, and I love it.

I had my heart fucking broken in January. Crushed. Wrecked. Destroyed. In a way completely different than the other times. In a way that makes me question and wonder and worry. And I'm different. He'll forget me and I'll forget him, but I'm a different person now. Harder, tougher, thicker.

I am the dragon breathing fire
Beautiful mane I'm the lion
Beautiful man I know you're lying
I am not broken, I'm not crying, I'm not crying
You ain't trying hard enough
You ain't loving hard enough
You don't love me deep enough
We not reaching feats enough
Blindly in love, I fucks with you
'Til I realize, I'm just too much for you
I'm just too much for you
-Don't Hurt Yourself

And your heart is broken cause I walked away
Show me your scars and I won't walk away

And I've been hustling like a champ this year:

She pushing herself day and night
She grinds from Monday to Friday
Works from Friday to Sunday
Oh, stars in her eyes
She fights and she sweats those sleepless nights
But she don't mind, she loves the grind
-Six Inch Heels

I'ma keep running
Cause a winner don't quit on themselves

But can I get back to a place where I let someone in?
Maybe not.
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm almost 30. I'm not ready or excited about it. I don't feel like I'm on track. I don't know what on track would look like anymore.
But if Queen Bey can get back to love, I'll fucking try again.

All I wanna, ain't no other
We together, I remember
Sweet love all night long
-All Night

Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Brandon 2

I've fallen ass backwards into a relationship. I say the things I'm supposed to say. I do the things I'm supposed to do. I do thoughtful little things, I do silly little things. Etc. But my heart doesn't feel in it.

There is no challenge here. Brandon will do or say just about anything to make me happy. He's got me on a pedestal that is so damn high. When he annoys me, and I snap at him, he's calm. He calls me on my bullshit, calmly states his case why he doesn't deserve it. And he's always right. But he stays anyway. I'm being flawed and messy and tired and nowhere near my best self and he likes me anyway.

You're thinking, " That's how love works."
Sure. Probably.
But I don't love him.

The other day we hosted a little get together at my house. We both got drunk and as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, there is Brandon lying next to me talking about how he likes holding me, how he has to remind himself to say "I like you" instead of "I love you," how good I make him feel.
I literally had to tell this drunk to shut up. I was in no condition to have a heavy conversation and the whole topic annoys me anyway. I feel like we are dancing around the issue. He loves me, I'm not sure.

I don't have to wake up each morning and guess his mood or try and earn his affection for another day. Or any of the hoops I had to jump through with Jack. Brandon is with me most all the time, but we trust each other, so its not like Tom keeping tabs on me at all hours.

No, this relationship with Brandon feels completely different than anything that came before. And besides his lack of a job, he's a fantastic guy. I should be thrilled, I should stop trying to push and push and push and find his breaking point, stop trying to figure out what I can do and still have him like me. Its a horrid little game that I'm not consciously playing.

Every time I'll get close to thinking, "I could be truly happy with this man," He does or says something obnoxious and I want to break his dumb, trusting heart.

I don't know what my problem is. I trust him implicitly, I know there is no other girl out there making his head turn. I know he will help me with anything and everything.The sex is crazy good.
I've been wrestling with this since we started dating. Do I need to be patient and let feelings grow? Or is Brandon just not right for me?

Thursday, April 7, 2016


I don't even know what to say.
There is a very nice man who loves me and wants to help me and take care of me and make me laugh.

And I kind of hate him.
He talks so so much. He asks me a question about a sensitive topic and then interrupts the answer 5 words in. He will ask me questions first thing in the morning, or when I'm trying to read, or when I'm already stressed. And I've been good and never snapped at him, but god, I want to.

He has no drive. He had a job for the first few weeks and then got fired. Its been over a month now. No interviews, no sending of the resume. By his own admission, he's not really trying to find a job and is "taking a break." Its very unattractive. I can't picture a future with him or this relationship going much further because he acts like a shiftless loser.

He goes too far too fast. Not sexually, but relationship-ily. He said I love you way too soon. He said he's interested in meeting the kid, when I'm ready. When he told his mom and brother about me, his mom offered to babysit so we could go out. NO. I can't decide how I feel about this guy, so I'm in no rush to add Kiddo to the mix. I can't even think about being in love until he gets a job and shows me that he's not another man-child. And again, I can't decide how I feel about him so I don't want to meet his family, let alone have his mom watch my kid.

Friday, April 1, 2016

Ready, Set, Jet!

I have 3 trips planned for 2016. 2 with girlfriends, 1 with family.
Possibly more with another friend.
And a weekend thing with that guy.

But I'm excited for the girlfriend trips. I think the happiest I've been in a long time was when I went to DC by myself last spring. I'm once again back in the mindset that I need to stop waiting around for a man to rescue me from my situation. And now with my side hustle, I don't need rescuing anyway.

I can go wherever and do whatever.
I'm not really sure what to do with all this freedom but I know I'll have fun figuring it out and getting drunk along the way.

Current Mood

Stood there and watched you walk away 
From everything we had 
But I still mean every word I said to you 
He will try to take away my pain 
And he just might make me smile 
But the whole time I'm wishin' he was you instead 
-Haunted, Taylor Swift