Monday, February 1, 2016


I haven't written in a while. I didn't have much to say that wasn't depressing. But I'm doing better now. I'm not 100%, and I'm not sure I've ever really been 100%, but I'm doing pretty great. My Mom has been such an amazing help for the last month. My Dad too. There are little bumps here and there, but I'm managing them. I'm getting out of bed and actually living. My new little business venture is keeping me busy and motivated.

I think the best part is that Landrie and Chelsea and Rebecca have all told me that I seem so much happier and excited than I have in quite a while. I am so glad that I have them (and about 15 other amazing girl friends) who kept me treading water for the last six months or so when everything seemed terrible and I wanted to give up on myself and life.

I'm still on medication, I'm still seeing the therapist, but I feel lighter. I feel pretty and funny and worthy again. I'm knocking things off my to do list, I'm doing things I want to do, I bought a plane ticket to meet up with these amazing girls for a long weekend. Things are looking up.


Below is a whole thing I wrote months ago. I get it. It makes sense, things were never the same after the "I'm convincing myself to stay with Natalie" letter.

I'm young, healthy, smart, funny and employed. I have kind, welcoming, supportive, loving parents. I have an adorable, feisty, smart, sweet, funny kid. I sunk almost a year of my life feeling like an afterthought. Dating is exhausting and I'm not jumping back into it anytime soon. The girls are telling me that I'll be fine and I'll be glad I didn't settle when the right guy comes along. I don't know how or where I'll meet anyone, but from where I sit now, I think I have enough to keep me busy, and enough to have a full, happy life.

December 21, 2015: I'm frustrated. You acknowledge that you are flighty. I understand that you are anxious and depressed and that the holidays are tricky for you and that all this stress is compounded by not currently having a job. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. You have stuff to do around your house, you have ties to finish, and meetings and interviews and that's all well and good. But I'm still not a priority.

I keep bringing it up and you keep talking the talk, but your actions don't really change. Plans with you never quite work out the way they are meant to and its aggravating. When you eventually come over, I'm just so glad you've finally showed up that I don't want to argue. And you've usually had a stressful day, talking to your mom for example, so I don't want to pile on and make the whole day garbage. But I'm dissatisfied.

You said once that you felt like we were doing alright but that you missed solitude, or being alone or something like that. What a shitty thing to say. Like you don't have your own apartment, like  you don't have 4 nights a week to do whatever you choose. For fucks sake, you'll promise me that we are going to spend a day together, but you don't wake up until noon and then it will take you two hours to get to my house.

This is not going well. I've been in this situation before. I can yell or cry or scream but I can't make you put effort into this. I can't single handedly make this relationship more equal. I can't make you respect my time.

What I can do, is choose my actions and my words. I want to be with you, but the way we function as a couple right now, I can't do it.

The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I've taken on most of your interests, I listen to you talk and talk and talk. Sex is a frustrating and humiliating experience.

You talk about moving closer and right now, I don't think you should.
Getting engaged seems so ridiculous as to be laughable.
I feel like I've sunk time into you, so I stayed.
When we broke up in July, working with Trish was a cutting reminder every damn day. But Trish doesn't work here any more. Do you know what I thought, when I heard she'd been fired? I can break up with him now.
When my kid said he liked you but didn't want you to come around anymore, I thought: I can break up with him now.