Wednesday, August 12, 2015

Guarded

 Jack has been texting me more and acting more attentive. I can't enjoy any of it. I can't get comfortable.  I don't want to let myself get attached. I don't want to fall back in love because I don't know if I can count on Jack to catch me.

I don't know if we're supposed to go back to being boyfriend/girlfriend. Or if I have to "earn" that title back. I don't know how to act with him. I can't pretend that I haven't known him for the last sixth months. I'll ask him, but I want to do it in person. And I haven't seen him in person since we got back together.

In text Jack's been calling me "hon" and "lovely" and "doll." But I've heard him call baristas Doll because he didn't remember their name. In another text, he called me his girlfriend, which should put the matter to rest. I just want to confirm with him. I don't want to make a fool of myself assuming we are on one level and having him think differently. In other texts, Jack's said he misses me and that he needs a "Natalie fix." I know he's trying. I also know that he's very, very good at talking the talk. I'll believe it when he walks the walk.

A part of me, and I'm not sure how big this part is, but part of me feels like I've won. Jack dumped me and now I have him back. I can have him if I want him. But the chase is over. Do I want to keep him, or did I just want to prove I could have him if I wanted to?

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