Ghost

When Jack would talk about his exes, a rare occurrence, he would say,
"but I don't want to speak ill of the dead."

I wonder if I'm dead to him now too.
Or if that was just girls that hurt him.
Did I hurt him?

Lemonade

Beyonce is getting me through some shit y'all.

I know its not "for me." But I love it, its art, its important, and I love it.

I had my heart fucking broken in January. Crushed. Wrecked. Destroyed. In a way completely different than the other times. In a way that makes me question and wonder and worry. And I'm different. He'll forget me and I'll forget him, but I'm a different person now. Harder, tougher, thicker.

I am the dragon breathing fire
Beautiful mane I'm the lion
Beautiful man I know you're lying
I am not broken, I'm not crying, I'm not crying
You ain't trying hard enough
You ain't loving hard enough
You don't love me deep enough
We not reaching feats enough
Blindly in love, I fucks with you
'Til I realize, I'm just too much for you
I'm just too much for you
-Don't Hurt Yourself

And your heart is broken cause I walked away
Show me your scars and I won't walk away
-Sandcastles

And I've been hustling like a champ this year:

She pushing herself day and night
She grinds from Monday to Friday
Works from Friday to Sunday
Oh, stars in her eyes
She fights and she sweats those sleepless nights
But she don't mind, she loves the grind
-Six Inch Heels

I'ma keep running
Cause a winner don't quit on themselves
-Freedom



But can I get back to a place where I let someone in?
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I don't know what I'm doing. I'm almost 30. I'm not ready or excited about it. I don't feel like I'm on track. I don't know what on track would look like anymore.
But if Queen Bey can get back to love, I'll fucking try again.

All I wanna, ain't no other
We together, I remember
Sweet love all night long
-All Night

Frustrated.

Below is a whole thing I wrote months ago. I get it. It makes sense, things were never the same after the "I'm convincing myself to stay with Natalie" letter.

I'm young, healthy, smart, funny and employed. I have kind, welcoming, supportive, loving parents. I have an adorable, feisty, smart, sweet, funny kid. I sunk almost a year of my life feeling like an afterthought. Dating is exhausting and I'm not jumping back into it anytime soon. The girls are telling me that I'll be fine and I'll be glad I didn't settle when the right guy comes along. I don't know how or where I'll meet anyone, but from where I sit now, I think I have enough to keep me busy, and enough to have a full, happy life.




December 21, 2015: I'm frustrated. You acknowledge that you are flighty. I understand that you are anxious and depressed and that the holidays are tricky for you and that all this stress is compounded by not currently having a job. I'm getting increasingly frustrated. You have stuff to do around your house, you have ties to finish, and meetings and interviews and that's all well and good. But I'm still not a priority.

I keep bringing it up and you keep talking the talk, but your actions don't really change. Plans with you never quite work out the way they are meant to and its aggravating. When you eventually come over, I'm just so glad you've finally showed up that I don't want to argue. And you've usually had a stressful day, talking to your mom for example, so I don't want to pile on and make the whole day garbage. But I'm dissatisfied.

You said once that you felt like we were doing alright but that you missed solitude, or being alone or something like that. What a shitty thing to say. Like you don't have your own apartment, like  you don't have 4 nights a week to do whatever you choose. For fucks sake, you'll promise me that we are going to spend a day together, but you don't wake up until noon and then it will take you two hours to get to my house.

This is not going well. I've been in this situation before. I can yell or cry or scream but I can't make you put effort into this. I can't single handedly make this relationship more equal. I can't make you respect my time.

What I can do, is choose my actions and my words. I want to be with you, but the way we function as a couple right now, I can't do it.

The more I think about it, the angrier I get. I've taken on most of your interests, I listen to you talk and talk and talk. Sex is a frustrating and humiliating experience.

You talk about moving closer and right now, I don't think you should.
Getting engaged seems so ridiculous as to be laughable.
I feel like I've sunk time into you, so I stayed.
When we broke up in July, working with Trish was a cutting reminder every damn day. But Trish doesn't work here any more. Do you know what I thought, when I heard she'd been fired? I can break up with him now.
When my kid said he liked you but didn't want you to come around anymore, I thought: I can break up with him now.

So I was thinking...

Here are a bunch of thoughts I need to write down so I can stop thinking about them.

1. Jack's stuff is boxed up and ready for him. He has like two things I would like back but I just can't get up the nerve to text him. So I guess if he wants his big pile of belongings, he can make the first move. 
2. Its so so so cliche to say "let's stay friends," especially since Jack doesn't really "do" friends, but I miss him. Neither of us are mad at each other? Nothing when catastrophically wrong, we just decided like grown ups that we aren't right for each other. Does that mean we never speak to each other again? I guess we don't have any real need to be friends, we don't move in the same circles and would just be confusing and sad. I deleted him from FB, but only because when we broke up in July, he admitted to keeping tabs on me. If he wants to know how I am, he can ask me, otherwise he can just wonder about it. 
3. My ex husband is sniffing around. He's being very nice and letting me see the kid on days that aren't mine because I'm so pitifully lonely. I'm like 5 cocktails away from just getting back together with him to keep the black hole of loneliness from swallowing me whole. 
4. My friends are advising that I not sleep with the ex husband unless I want to get back together because without a doubt, he'll catch feelings about it and it will be a disaster. So they think I should get on Tinder and just bang a couple of randos.
5. I cannot bang any randos because my head is still not right. I though Jack and I were in love. I feel like he let me go so easily and without a second thought. I feel like all the things he said when we were together were just pretty words with no feeling or conviction behind them. So yeah, I could go out and catch a dick, but I'm unloveable. So if I went home with a one nighter, its highly likely that I'd burst into tears and act like a fucking weirdo. Because right now, more than I need to feel sexy and desirable, I need to feel loveable and worthy. 
6. Waterproof mascara is a joke. I finally quit trying to wear make up for this week because I just cry it off. I look like a gremlin without make up, but on the plus side, no one notices my puffy eyes because I just generally look unkempt. 
7. You know how my parents are generally dismissive of me? My feelings aren't valid, I'm just dramatic, depression isn't real, my problems aren't real problems. My Dad, my goddamn Dad who NEVER talks to me on the phone, called last night to check up on me and tell me that they will help me how ever I need help and to think of depression and anxiety like a broken leg (i.e. its a real medical thing requiring treatment). Which isn't a new thought for me but I've never heard that kind of stuff from him. 
8. Having my parents acknowledge that I'm struggling makes me feel worse. I must be the poster child for someone who is "in a bad way" if even they notice and worry about me. I mean, I appreciate their concern, but fuuuuuck, apparently my facade of holding it all together is not fooling literally anyone. 
9. Whenever I go through a breakup or am especially anxious (i.e. my current life) I don't eat. I just have no appetite. To be honest, I don't want to do any of the things necessary to keep on going. Washing my hair and shaving my legs sound like feats requiring entirely too much effort, and I'm single now, and with no makeup I already look like a billy goat, so who the fuck cares, right? But anyways, eating. It sounds like too much effort to make a meal, or even take the steps necessary to buy a meal. So I just haven't. I'm not hungry anyway. Plus, eventually I'll get my head screwed on straight and Natalie minus 10 lbs. is a better version to present when I eventually "get back out there." But my sweet little boy noticed I wasn't eating and insisted that I have dinner. 
10. I know I'm not quite 30, but when is it ok to just quit? No more websites, no more awkward dates, no more searching for this mythical, lasting love. I figure I'm about 3 more cats and an increased drinking habit away from embracing the Cat Lady lifestyle. 

Deep Breath

We broke up.
He didn't love me enough to try to work on things or fight for us. I knew we were up and down. I was willing to try and to change and to do whatever. He said didn't think things could ever get better. He said that, right after he told me that he's not going anywhere, right after he said that he would be miserable without me.

I'm going to be ok. I cried while I talked with him, but I don't have any more tears. I don't really feel a  whole lot right now. If it was so easy for him to let me go, I'm not going to twist myself in knots over it.

The part that really sucks is that I introduced Jack to all my family, to my friends, to my kid. He fucking met my ex-husband. Jack did Christmas with us, cookies, and Santa, and presents and the whole thing. I was a damn good girlfriend. I hate this for my kid. I hate that they got along so well. I hate that the kid is going to ask about Jack and I don't know how to explain to this innocent, sweet, tender hearted child, that his friend is never coming back to race trucks with him.

Winter Repeats

I wrote something a week before Christmas, getting all my ranting frustrations out. I thought that would be enough of a release but it wasn't. I plucked up my courage and had a conversation with Jack about the state of our relationship.

It went fine. He said the right things, he always says the right things. We had 3 good days over Christmas. And now it's back to how it is. He has some stuff going on, and its not my place to talk about it, so I won't. But how much slack am I required to give.

Something always comes up. There is always some new reason why he acts the way he does. I'm tired of talking about it. He'll say all the right things. I'll feel like a bitch for even making us have a conversation. Things will be good. And then back next week I'll be right back here again.

I don't know how to get out of this rut. And what's worse is that I don't think I can.

Mush

Things are off the rails again. But I didn't derail them this time. And he didn't do it intentionally either. I'm scared and worried for him. I'm sad.

Things were good. For one solid week, things were bright and shiny. Everything was perfect, he was sweet, we had fun with the kid, we laughed, the chemistry was crazy.

And then suddenly things got different and scary and incomprehensible. I don't know how to fix it. I know I can't fix it. I can just sit next to him and hold his hand and hope we come out the other side of this. I can't be mad or upset or really. I'm sad that we are taking a detour. But most of all I care about him and want him to be well.

I'm dumb. again.

We had a whole long conversation and straightened things out.

He likes me. I like him. 

I just let my anxiety get in my own way. 

I'm a mess and so is he. 

The journey continues. 

Pissed Off. Again.

I'm a fucking fool.
I keep making time for this guy. I keep trying to be thoughtful and compliant and a "cool girl."
Its not me and its exhausting.
He says things to make me feel like I'm at the top of his priorities.
But then he does things that show that is not quite true.
I'm mad. And maybe I don't have any right to be.
We spent time together last weekend, but there were little hiccups here and there and it was unnerving.
We talked, he said we'd see each other sometime this week. During the week. Before the weekend.
We did not.
And on Friday, when he's so tired from going out every night, he's going out with some guy friend.
For the second time this week.
So this guy is more important than me. Or at least that is how it feels to me.
I'm an idiot. I'm so dumb. I just keep setting myself up to be disappointed.
I'm over here trying to be patient and act like nothing phases me.
It does phase me.
I don't want to have to wake up and fight for my place in your life every day.
I don't want to beg for your attention.
I shouldn't keep having the same conversation about this with you.
I don't know what to do. I know what my brain says to do.
My heart disagrees.

I'm the Worst

He asked me to come to dinner with a childhood friend of his who will be in town.
I am planning on going to an event in February with the kid and invited Jack. He wants to come. I bought him a ticket.
He wouldn't do these things if he wasn't serious.
I make up bullshit reasons to freak myself out.
He gave me a damn key to his place. Why cannot just accept that maybe he is happy with me?

I'm being petty and I'm being insecure and I just have to get it out.
I'm sad. I overanalyze his every word or tweet or post.
I'm making him this thoughtful birthday present. I'm having fun making it, but I'm scared to actually give it to him. Part of this present is a lot of letters, my feelings and thoughts about Jack laid bare. And I don't think he likes me the way I like him.
We've been together 6 months. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He says the right things. He's always said the right things.
And now he's putting his words into effect to make more time for me, for us.
But I still feel like I'm chasing him. Like I'm a pathetic groupie, hoping to be noticed, wishing to be loved, asking for affection and affirmation.
The part that I hate the most is that I can't figure out if my feelings are valid and I should say anything to him or I'm just so warped and anxiety filled that I'll never feel stable and safe in a relationship. Which wouldn't be Jack's fault. And would meant I ought to break it off since it would mean I'm incapable of being happy.
I wish he would tell me honestly what he feels.
I would trust any answer I'd get if I asked him. I don't want to prompt him.
I make myself so miserable sometimes.

Broken

I have an iPad but I don't use it often. Recently the Kid and I went on a little trip and I downloaded some apps and shows onto the iPad. Anyway, getting the iPad out, I was reminded that my texts go to my phone, computer and iPad because they are all linked. There was a whole text convo with Tom from last May.

Because reliving old hurts is my version of self harm, I read through a large part of it. It sucked. We were so in love, I thought. We did favors for each other, Tom took care of me and I took care of him. I was so spoiled. He would come over for a week and help around the house, drive me to and from work and then fuck me all night.

I don't miss him as a person. He was controlling and scary and I'm glad to be rid of him. But I miss the dynamic, I miss the person I thought he was. That version of Tom would have done anything for me. Not just talk, he did several amazing, difficult, selfless things for me. I don't have that anymore.

I know it's not fair to compare the two, because right now I'm reminiscing about the good parts of Tom and the bad parts of Jack, but my relationship with Jack is so much harder. Jack is good to me, he's good to my kid, he's never given me any reason to be afraid of him, he's been kind and funny, he brought soup to me when I was sick. He checks off all the boxes, but I feel like we are going through the motions. I have a deep sense that he's "not that into me."

His biological clock is ticking, I'm here and I'm "good enough." He's not crazy about me, he's just not that into me. I don't know if its because we aren't right for each other or because we need more time. Maybe I'm just feeling low because we haven't seen each other in two weeks (trips, schedule conflicts) we've texted, but no phone calls besides me calling to wake him up.

I can feel him settling. Maybe I am too? I don't know how to separate the good parts of the relationship with Tom and the bad. Tom and I would text constantly throughout the day, even when we were at work. Jack and I don't do that. Is it because Jack isn't a control freak and trusts me? Is it because he's a workaholic? Is it because he just doesn't want to?

Building a Relationship

Jack is shutting down one of his side businesses, partly so he can focus on work and partly so he has more time to spend with me. He says he wants to work on building a relationship with me. I'm scared. What if we don't work out, or even if we do, and he blames me for him giving up on his company?

I am trying to be positive. He is taking action to change a lot of things. I didn't ask him to because I want the changes to he his choice. But the list of reasons we wouldn't work out that I wrote when we were broken up is getting shorter. And I'm scared.

Ducklings

The whole conversation I had with Jack had my brain working overtime. For a few reasons.

1) Does he really want a baby with me, or is it just because he's getting older and I'm the girl he's with currently?

I told Jack we have a lot of ducks to get in a row before we can even seriously discuss the idea of having a baby.
2)  What ducks need to get in a row? I thought about it, and came up with 4 ducks. (It's feeling weird to keep saying duck. Calling them issues or problems doesn't seem to fit, so I'll keep saying ducks. Deal with it.)

*Record Scratch*

This Sunday I woke up sick. I made a nest on the couch to watch football and rest. I tried to drink some juice and eat some crackers. The food made a return appearance. Jack is a freaking angel, he came over with gatorade and soup. He heated me up a bowl of soup and came to snuggle on the couch with me.

I ate two bites of soup and not even 2 minutes later, I had to run to the bathroom to throw up the soup. When I came back to the couch, Jack asked, "are you pregnant?"
"No."
"Darn."

What??

Its hard to tell with him if he's being serious or just joking, but this led to us sort of having a conversation about babies. Jack will be 39 in a few months and he doesn't want to be an old dad. I'll be 30 next summer. And sure we both have jobs but we have A LOT more ducks to get in a row before I'm  ready to pull the goalie.

Reframing the Issue

I belong to a few Facebook groups. The smallest is a group of 20 women. A handful of us are single moms. One of the women, Landrie, brought up today, how frustrating it is to talk about a child-free weekend (because the kids are with their dad) and married women will think its cute to say,
"You are so lucky! I should get divorced so I have every other weekend off."

No ma'am.

That is a stupid thing to say for more reasons than I have the time or energy to get into here. But Erica had a great point, which I'm not going to retype here but basically she had been a single mom and is now married to a great guy who works hard, loves her, and loves her three kids as his own.

I have a few fears I want to discuss with Jack, but mostly, I just need to calm THE FUCK DOWN.
Jack is a funny, smart, amazing, creative, hard working, caring, gentle, strong, and protective man. I am lucky to have him, hell I'm lucky to be with him. I let my anxiety and fears run away with me and convince me that he doesn't want me.

And maybe this won't last forever. Maybe Jack and I aren't meant to be. But what if this could be something great, except for me being scared and wrecking it? What it things could be good?

Jack tries. He honest to God tries to do it all right, and I've been too critical. So what that he's busy? He is busy with actual businesses, unlike a certain ex who would just play video games. I've never once worried that he's looking at another woman. I have nothing to worry about with Jack. Being busy isn't so bad, there are at least 50 other vices I could list off the top of my head.

Jack has been trying to get me to let him in and I've been the one resisting. Its foolish and short sighted of me. Jack cares about my kid too, asks about him, and was great at playing with him.

I've been letting my anxiety fuck everything up in my head.

Torture

I haven't needed to do this in a while but I relented and took an anxiety pill just now.

I'm making myself miserable. I'm anxious about several things like the shitty interaction with my parents over Labor Day weekend, and my kid hating daycare. I'm an idiot and so I'm allowing the anxiety to ooze over onto my relationship with Jack. Do you know what its sounded like in my head for the last two days? Here's a sample:

Why doesn't he text me first? We don't have anything planned together coming up, not even dinner and Netflix, he's probably getting ready to dump me. I need to hide my anxious-ness better, he's going to dump me again if I'm too much of a hassle. I feel lonely and sad, but I can't talk to him about it because I texted him and he didn't respond and if I send more than one text in a row, it means I like him way more than he likes me. This will never work. Save yourself now. He's never going to be less busy. He's never going to have enough time for me. I'm a bottomless pit of need and I'll never be happy so I should let him go now. He doesn't like you. He doesn't love you. He tolerates you. 

And so forth and so on.


I wrote the first half of this, and then came back a few hours later. That anxiety pill didn't do shit. I texted with Jack and he's potentially coming to my house tonight, I just feel like I harangued him into coming. I hate myself. I just want to cry and sleep.

I'm having a hard time because we broke up once before and I see everything as indicators that its about to happen again. I keep trying to brace myself so it won't hurt as much this time.

I stupidly fell into a google-hole and found all sorts of stuff, written and pictures, about his past loves. He posted one picture of the two of us on Facebook. This shouldn't matter. I know this shouldn't matter. Facebook is not an accurate was to quantify his feelings for me.

Last night, I got desperate. Jack had been busy at work and had sent maybe 2 texts all day. I texted Jack to say good night. He responded and I put my phone down. Then 5 minutes later, picked it back up. I asked him to give me 5 minutes of his time because I felt weird. I asked him, "please just tell me something good or interesting about your day." I explain how anxious I've been about my kid and that the anxiety was spilling over to "us."

A minute later,  my phone rang. It was Jack, he gave me 10 uninterrupted minutes of his time to tell me about his day and help me feel a little less disconnected. I'm learning about myself in this relationship. As corny as I think they are, I've found that my "love language" is a close tie between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. So while not texting much throughout the day shouldn't be a problem, it makes me feel disconnected from Jack.

I Can't

I can't stand it. This relationship with Jack. Whatever I'm supposed to call it. He calls me his girlfriend, "my sweet," "my love." I know it looks lovely from the outside, and probably from his perspective too.

I can't relax. Today for example, I received one text late this morning. And I responded and received nothing back. That's fine, or would be fine, except that the evening Jack broke up with me, he spent all that day not talking with me. So today, and anytime he doesn't seem very "chatty," the level headed part of my brain tells me he's busy with work, he's driving, he's asleep, he'll talk to me later. But the louder part of my brain says, "He's going to leave you again." I comb through our most recent interactions. Did I say the right things? Was I supportive enough? Did I ask thoughtful questions when he explained work concepts? Did I overstay my welcome in some way?

I look for my faults. I start mentally preparing for the break up. I have my kid and my friends and my job and I'll stay busy and be ok. I harden my heart.

And then, the break up doesn't come. But the cycle repeats. I cover my heart with layers and layers of shields so I won't be hurt when he leaves me.

We don't say "I love you" anymore. I don't know if I can honestly say that I am in love with Jack anymore. I'm too scared to be that vulnerable. And he doesn't say it either, which only reinforces my belief that the next breakup is imminent.

Since the break up, Jack doesn't come around when my kid is home or awake. I'm scared that he's stringing me along, but because he is a decent person, he doesn't want to get my kid tangled up in a confusing situation with "mommy's friend Jack." I guess that the smart choice, it makes sense and I'd do anything to protect my son's feelings, but its another weight on my heart that Jack isn't really in this and I'm fooling myself.

Because of his chronic lateness, Jack works fairly late into the evening. As a result, we usually just see each other once on weekdays, once on weekends. Twice a week. I guess that's supposed to be enough? For me it doesn't feel like enough. For all my fears, I crave Jack. I want to be snuggled up against him, wrapped in his sweatshirt, laughing and talking as much as possible. There is so much I want to see and do and share and learn with him. But If twice a week is sufficient for him, then I'd seem like a clingy, needy, crazy person asking for more.

I guess what it boils down to is that I've been in relationships where I was cherished. Where I was my man's number 1 priority. And if our current relationship is how Jack treats his number 1, then it isn't enough for me.  I don't want John back. I don't want Tom back. But I miss feeling like someone out there was thinking about me, that I was the bright spot in his life, that he would notice if I was quiet, would know when I just needed a hug. Jack is too disconnected and too logical.  I think we operate on different wavelengths and I don't know if I can keep it up.

All Dressed Up

Jack accompanied me to a costume party. He went all out on his costume, and though he was anxious and nervous, he made conversation with my friends and seemed to enjoy himself.

I know it was a big effort on his part and I really appreciate that he came with me. Not much to say, I just wanted to get part of this written down so I would remember that even if he is cagey with his words and tricky to read, he wouldn't have put in this much effort if he didn't care about me.

Just Nice

Jack came over. We made cookies. We kissed a lot, we talked about our days, we laughed. It was an ordinary evening and that's what made it great. We don't have to be doing anything exciting for me to feel perfectly at ease and happy with him.