Tuesday, March 31, 2015


I've been neglecting my blog. I've been busy with life and have about 7 half way written entries. I'll try to get on top of this and get back into the habit of writing. Plus I've been really really happy lately so I've just been out enjoying life.

So this is just to say, I'm here, I'm having adventures, and I'll share them, gimme a minute.

Steve #3

Time travel with me back to the story of Steve, that I started telling in February. There's a reason I promise.

Steve and I met up in the afternoon. I had a hankering for pizza so we walked over to Rocco's and had a late lunch. We chatted as we ate. I had a girlfriend try to warn me about seeing a comedian, that they have something weird in them that drives them to get up in front of people night after night (Steve agreed), that they'll cheat when they're on the road or if you aren't adoring enough, (Steve disagreed). I think she had a bad time with an ex of hers that was a comedian, I don't think they're all the same.

After pizza, we walked back to Steve's building. We went up to the roof to enjoy the view. His building has the best view. Then we went back to his apartment and snuggled up on the couch to watch a comedy special. As we lay on the couch, our hands wandered. Steve's hands always seem to find my boobs. I like it though. Sometimes I get the vibe that a guy is just after sex and doesn't really see me as a person. And I maybe Steve just sees me as something casual, but at least the way he touches me makes me feel sexy, like he's being tender and caring.

So we went to his room and had sex three times that night. Afterwards we lay in bed, intertwined and sweaty, just talking. I really like the way he holds me, kisses the tip of my nose or my head. Later I dropped him at his show and went off to hang out with a friend. He told me I didn't have to drop him off but I insisted it was no big deal and said, half jokingly, "I'm trying to get you to like me." He said that he already did. My internal monologue was something like, "YAY!! YAY!! DON'T FUCK THIS UP."

We met up the next day and went to sushi. Then back to his apartment to cuddle and grope each other on the couch before moving to his room to have sex.  Steve started to get ready to sleep so I asked if he wasn't going to walk me to my car. He asked me to stay the night. I have the hardest time sleeping, actually sleeping, with men. I'm so skittish and anxious that I usually can't sleep. Richard stayed over one time and I was up for hours. I stayed at Jay's place and I could sleep easily but then Jay told me I snored and likely had a deviated septum, so from then on I was too embarrassed to sleep with him.

But Steve made me feel safe. Made me feel warm and cozy. I was able to sleep pretty good. The next morning was Monday, I didn't have work, but my free parking would run out at 8. I got dressed and Steve took the elevator down with me. He seemed half asleep still, so we parted with a quick kiss so he could go back to bed.

I do like him. I'd like to see more of him but he's about to leave for two months. While we were laying in bed, I asked him if I'd see him when he was back in town. He told me of course, but also made reference that only a pretty shitty person would say they never wanted to see me again while we were still half naked and in bed together. Excellent point. So who knows what will happen.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Nothing New Under the Sun

I wrote this months ago. Before Tom went full on crazy and threatened me. I hadn't published it yet because I was revising and not sure I wanted to share some of this. But anyway:

I've been grabbed and shaken. I've had a man go nose to nose with me and scream in my face. I've had a man cock his fist back and act like he was going to punch me, only to make me flinch. I've had a man throw and break stuff. My car has a dent in the dashboard that a man made with his fist.

And those are instances with three different men.

I'm feisty and I can be an instigator. I can argue you up and down the room. But I'm all talk and tough exterior. I will ask for a pause in an argument. I will back off and I will ask a man to back off when I'm frightened. Because I frighten easily. I want to stand up for myself, but most occasions, (first dates, fights with a boyfriend, giving a bad performance review to a male employee) I'm sizing them up. Can I escape this room if things get bad? Is my phone within reach? How quickly can I dial 911? Will anyone hear me if I scream?

And sure, I'm an anxious person and this line of thinking isn't really logical or necessary. But given the experiences I've had? The thoughts happen anyways. The thoughts catch me by surprise. Several times I've been kissing a man I like and he grabs my wrist or neck in what is supposed to be a playful, sexy way. But I ruin the moment by bursting into tears.

And I worry its my fault. Why has this happened with three different men? It must be my fault. I must make them so mad that they just want to hurt me. Or something is wrong with me that I keep picking men who want to hurt me. The world is a scary place if you can't even trust the men you like or love to not hurt you.

I try and be blase about it. I don't have it as bad as other women, its not a big deal. I've never had a black eye. I've had scratches and marks but not really bruises. I've never called the police. I've only told my parents about one incident because I don't think they'll care very much. And since nothing extremely bad happened, who cares right?

Is what happened to me even abuse? Depends on your definition I guess. All those incidents I listed rattled me but I'm lucky I guess. I don't have any broken bones or restraining orders or scars. It's like nothing really happened to me. In a sick way, I'm glad for that dent in my car's dashboard.  That dent is something real that I can point to and say, "These things really happened to me. I'm not misremembering. My worries aren't without a basis in reality."

I think that's what I need some days. To know that it was real. That my life now is my own. That I have distance and perspective on those incidents. That I know better now.  That if I let a man into my life, he'll be worth it.

Saturday, March 21, 2015

Guess Who Came back?

And a few days later...
If it's too small, the picture I sent him says "No does not mean convince me."
He wrote back ":-("
Bye boy. 

Tuesday, March 17, 2015


I've narrowed my harem to just two guys who I like. And neither of them have texted me in the past 9 hours. It's stupid, its clingy, and its driving me insane.

I'm at work so in theory, I should be busy. In reality, my phone is sitting right next to me and I'm checking it every time I return to my desk. After work I need to go to the bank and the grocery store and then I'll probably go to the gym to get some of this manic energy out.

The ball is in their court in both situations. I know I CANNOT text them because I don't want to look like a clinger. And because I know, if they like me, if its meant to be, it will be. And through the fog of crazy that is obstructing my brain, I know that one of them is probably asleep, and the other is at work and possibly busy.

But both of them have been active on social media. So then my brain spirals. They don't like me. What did I do wrong? Why does no one like me? I'm going to die alone.

You guys, I know I'm insane. That's why I'm typing this all here. I know that this is not the thought process of a secure, confident woman. And I'm trying very hard to have my shit together. I know that if these guys ghost, I'll be ok. I'll find someone else and just acknowledge that the large majority of dates don't work out.

If it's right it will work out, if its not right, I'll move on.

Monday, March 16, 2015

Matthew #3

Matt was my date to a birthday party this past weekend. I only knew the birthday girl and Matt only knew me. But he came and made friends with all the guys right away. Always the gentleman, he helped me to my seat and then went to the bar to get us drinks. He sat right by my side and we were holding hands or touching the whole night.

We left the birthday party and drove back to Matt's neighborhood. We stopped in at Matt's favorite bar to chat with his buddy the bartender. Not really sure of the point of this meeting, I was already drunk but happily snarfed a flatbread pizza. Matt didn't eat, had one or two beers and chatted with the bartender. Showing me off to his friend?

At this point, I will disclose that I have no memory of how we got from that bar to Matt's apartment. And neither did he because the next day he had trouble finding his car. Yikes.
Anyway, went back to his place and spent the night feeling cozy and safe in his arms. We slept in and lounged in bed until way too late and I had to rush to get home and take a shower before attending a prior commitment.

I think I really like him. Besides the recent divorce, no major red flags so I'll just keep moving forward slowly.

Friday, March 13, 2015

Matthew #2

On a random Wednesday after work, I drove over to Matt's place. He showed me his apartment. A studio, super super tiny, but clean and nice.

We walked a few blocks to a restaurant to have dinner and drinks. Matt held my hand and walked on the side of the sidewalk closest to traffic. I've NEVER had a man do that move. I'd heard of it, and thought it was a cute idea, but didn't think there were men who really did that. He opened all the doors and would pull out my chair for me. Super, super polite. I was so glad that I had the foresight to wear matching bra and panties because they were definitely coming off later.

Matt had no problem bullshitting with the waitress. I get it, he talks to people all the time for his job, but with me, he seemed...almost nervous? I asked him questions, just more of the standard "getting to know you" shtick that I've gotten pretty good at over the last year. After dinner, which he again wouldn't let me pay for, we walked for a bit but I wasn't quite ready to go home with Matt. We found a bar and sat and chatted a bit more. I don't know if it was the drinks or what, but he got more comfortable talking with me, and more affectionate.

I was quicker with my debit card, so I picked up that round of drinks. Then we walked back to Matt's shoebox of an apartment. We discussed watching a movie. I've been to high school, I knew this meant "watch a movie." I'm down. Because the is no couch, only a bed, I take off my boots and sit on the bed. Matt went to the bathroom for a minute and I took the opportunity to text my friend Hannah "I'm at his place. Am I slut if I hook up with him?" She's a good friend who responded, "Shut up, no you aren't! Or won't be!"

Matt joins me and picks some movie. It was some superhero movie and I also started to say that I didn't want to watch this shit, but I realized, neither of us was going to watch the movie anyway.  As predicted, about 3 minutes into whatever shitty movie, Matt kisses me.  And I kiss him.

Y'all. This man is talented. Definitely best ever "first time having sex with a new partner," possibly best ever. When we were finally tired, Matt gives me a backrub. Keeper. Such a fucking keeper.

I eventually got dressed and went home to sleep in my own bed. We keep texting over the next few days. Two days later, Matt came and met up with me on a lunch break to take me out.

He's so sweet and chivalrous. He's handsome, he has a good job. I actually really like him. I like being around him. I feel comfortable, like this is easy and he's someone I could see myself being with for a while. And there's the problem. I don't remember (or maybe I never knew) how to just date one person. To be ok with liking someone. To be ok opening myself and risk getting hurt.

Monday, March 9, 2015


Matthew and I met on Tinder. He's a single dad with two sons, recently divorced and a police officer. I obviously have a thing for men in uniform. We texted quite a bit in the days leading up to our first date. I already liked him.

We met up on a Saturday night at a restaurant near my house. Matt had on a button up shirt which is effort for a guy, I noticed and appreciated it. He greeted me with a hug and we went in to have dinner. Dinner went well, We chatted over entrees and two rounds of cocktails. Matt's had a very interesting life and we traded stories. There were a few lulls in the conversation, but nothing too uncomfortable.

Little things were adding up. Matt wouldn't hear of me chipping in for the bill. He'd obviously put effort into dressing up and mentioned that he'd gotten a haircut earlier in the day. He opened every door I encountered. I was impressed.

After dinner, we weren't ready for the night to end. So I walked with Matt down the street to one of my favorite, secret bars. Turns out, it wasn't so secret on Saturday nights! We ordered a round of drinks and sat in a corner booth, chatting more, but it was too noisy to hear much. Matt paid for the drinks and we walked around the corner to a different bar, but it was just as full. We ended up driving to my divey-est bar, which was also crowded. We got some drinks and found a spot to stand out of the way of the people playing darts and pool. Matt and I chatted some more and watched people sing karaoke with varying levels of success.

Finally two chairs at the bar opened up, so we grabbed them to sit and keep talking. Matt convinced me to sing a song, which I did, but he never sang. Finally it was getting late and it was time for Matt to take me back to my car. As was becoming the norm, Matt opened the truck door for me and helped me in. He held my hand from the bar to my car. He got out of the truck to walk me from his truck, to my adjacently parked car. He gave me a hug and made his first faux pas of the night by asking, "Can I kiss you?"

[Sidebar: Men, please just go for it. Read the room. If she's putting out the vibe, just kiss her.]

"You better, " I said, which was fairly slick of me for how tipsy and tired I was. We spent a good 15 minutes just kissing and hugging. He smelled so good. And I really wanted to take him back to my place and fuck him. But I didn't. Because I'm a lady, goddamit.

Matt and I have continued texting and he's continually sweet and interesting and I can't wait to see him again tomorrow.

Thursday, March 5, 2015


I saw this today and I can relate so hard.

"If her bra matches her panties when you take off her clothes, it wasn't you who decided to have sex."

Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Brady #2

Brady and I met up again for dinner. It was supposed to be dinner and a movie, but I double booked myself and had happy hour (and a burger) with Jessica from work and then drinks (and more dinner) with Brady.

He's nice enough. We joked around and didn't lack for things to talk about all through dinner. But as I was telling Jessica, I feel like there is a HUGE divide because we grew up so differently. I'll be blunt and say that it should like out of his whole family (mom, dad, and 3 sisters) Brady is the only one who even marginally has his shit together. If he and I keep dating, if I meet his family, they are going to think I'm a snob and a brat. And maybe I am. Whatever. I'm just a bit concerned. And neither of us can help the way we were raised.

After dinner we went back to his place. Sat on the couch with his dog and watched Netflix. We weren't touching, not holding hands, nothing. It was a weeknight for me so I didn't stay very late. Brady walked me to my car and we kissed a bit. Not bad but definitely not amazing.

A week or so later, Brady and I met up on a Sunday morning. We went to brunch and then the zoo. We walked over the whole place, making snarky sarcastic commentary the whole time. I linked arms with him once. And maybe 3 times, Brady would put his hand on the small of my back to steer me through the crowds. It didn't feel affectionate.

After the zoo, we hung out at Brady's place while his roommate make dinner. We chatted a bit. Brady walked me to my car. We kissed a bit. I left. I think I'm done here. Our interactions seem to be more friendly than romantic. I can't tell if Brady just has no game or he's not interested in me. I've been pulling back, starting to try and phase him out.

Brady is a fairly nice guy but the spark isn't there. Sorry.

Monday, March 2, 2015


Brady and I met online, as per usual for me. Right away, we had similar taste in tv shows, he had a sense of humor and seemed genuinely interested in getting to know me. We texted for about a week before our schedules aligned and we could meet up for a date. I really enjoyed texting with Brady. He seemed to have an active enough social life, a real job, and he was unfailingly respectful. In a weeks worth of texts, he never hinted around asking for pictures, he never made innuendo.

Brady and I met up on a Friday night, it turned out to be the day before Valentine's Day. We met at a bar in the Wallingford neighborhood. He had a small box of chocolates for me because "its almost Valentine's Day." I thought that was so sweet and thoughtful because I was fully intending to ignore Valentine's Day, at least with Brady, I had awesome Galentine's Day plans with my girlfriends, but that's a story for another day.

We chatted through two rounds of cocktails and truffle popcorn. I wasn't immediately attracted to Brady, his voice seemed a little high at first. There wasn't an instant click. But the more we talked, the more I was intrigued. I wanted to know more about him, I wanted to listen to him. But in a surprise twist, Brady was one of the first dates in a long time who asked me questions, thoughtful real questions, deeper than just "what's your favorite color?"

We moved from the first bar, to another down the street and ordered dinner. Still talking and laughing and having fun. After dinner, we drove to his place, parked our cars and walked 3 blocks or so, to a divey Chinese restaurant that has karaoke 7 nights a week. Over two more rounds of drinks and watching others sing karaoke, with varying degrees of success, Brady and I each took a turn at singing. I went first, sang a Weezer song, nothing fancy. Brady sang "Use Somebody" by Kings of Leon. I never liked that band. I never liked that song. But something about Brady singing it, was irresistible.

Yep, I decided, I like this man. We decided to call it a night and walked back to his place. Brady got his dog and we went for a quick walk around the block. With a pause to kiss. With his dog safely back in the condo, Brady walked me to my car. We kissed some more. But nothing further. He didn't try to press his luck, and I liked that about  him.

It started to rain, so we said our goodbyes and Brady asked me to let him know that I got home safe. I love when they do that. Its a small thing, but it means a lot to me. Once my car was parked, I let Brady know I was home. "Good! Now come back over, I wanna make out :-)"

Anyways, we have a second date set up for tomorrow. I really like him. He seems different from my other experiences with men. I'm cautiously optimistic.