Friday, September 11, 2015

I Can't

I can't stand it. This relationship with Jack. Whatever I'm supposed to call it. He calls me his girlfriend, "my sweet," "my love." I know it looks lovely from the outside, and probably from his perspective too.

I can't relax. Today for example, I received one text late this morning. And I responded and received nothing back. That's fine, or would be fine, except that the evening Jack broke up with me, he spent all that day not talking with me. So today, and anytime he doesn't seem very "chatty," the level headed part of my brain tells me he's busy with work, he's driving, he's asleep, he'll talk to me later. But the louder part of my brain says, "He's going to leave you again." I comb through our most recent interactions. Did I say the right things? Was I supportive enough? Did I ask thoughtful questions when he explained work concepts? Did I overstay my welcome in some way?

I look for my faults. I start mentally preparing for the break up. I have my kid and my friends and my job and I'll stay busy and be ok. I harden my heart.

And then, the break up doesn't come. But the cycle repeats. I cover my heart with layers and layers of shields so I won't be hurt when he leaves me.

We don't say "I love you" anymore. I don't know if I can honestly say that I am in love with Jack anymore. I'm too scared to be that vulnerable. And he doesn't say it either, which only reinforces my belief that the next breakup is imminent.

Since the break up, Jack doesn't come around when my kid is home or awake. I'm scared that he's stringing me along, but because he is a decent person, he doesn't want to get my kid tangled up in a confusing situation with "mommy's friend Jack." I guess that the smart choice, it makes sense and I'd do anything to protect my son's feelings, but its another weight on my heart that Jack isn't really in this and I'm fooling myself.

Because of his chronic lateness, Jack works fairly late into the evening. As a result, we usually just see each other once on weekdays, once on weekends. Twice a week. I guess that's supposed to be enough? For me it doesn't feel like enough. For all my fears, I crave Jack. I want to be snuggled up against him, wrapped in his sweatshirt, laughing and talking as much as possible. There is so much I want to see and do and share and learn with him. But If twice a week is sufficient for him, then I'd seem like a clingy, needy, crazy person asking for more.

I guess what it boils down to is that I've been in relationships where I was cherished. Where I was my man's number 1 priority. And if our current relationship is how Jack treats his number 1, then it isn't enough for me.  I don't want John back. I don't want Tom back. But I miss feeling like someone out there was thinking about me, that I was the bright spot in his life, that he would notice if I was quiet, would know when I just needed a hug. Jack is too disconnected and too logical.  I think we operate on different wavelengths and I don't know if I can keep it up.

No comments:

Post a Comment