Tuesday, September 30, 2014

One, Two, Three...

The screenshot below represents the third time I've been asked to be a part of a threesome. 
I'm not judging, promise I'm not. I just don't think I could do it. I've done a little exploration into the matter. I met up with one couple for lunch one day to see if there was any chemistry. 

1) Blue (I have no idea what his name was but I remember he had a blue shirt) was ok but I hit it off better with his girlfriend Alex. Alex was adorable, but I didn't really want to fuck her. I wanted to go shopping for swimsuits and then binge watch Gossip Girl with her. I would have continued hanging out with them, but they didn't live together and each had roommates so they wanted to have this wild threesome at my house. I was already ambivalent, but the idea of having two strangers from the internet to my place screamed bad idea so I passed. 

2) Nathan (I think this is a fake name, I really don't remember this guy) was so handsome. Way out of my league handsome. We'd been talking for a little while when he informed me that not only was he interested in me, but his girlfriend was too. Nathan was so damn hot that I figured, sure I'll entertain this idea. I've kissed girls before, I think I could psych myself up for a threesome under the right conditions. but his girlfriend was…not the right conditions. Declined that invitation. 

3) Is the screenshot below. The guy is cute, if not tall enough for my tastes, but I guess he and I aren't really going to date. We might not even meet. 

I can't decide if a threesome is too far outside of my comfort zone. Any advice?


Monday, September 29, 2014

Richard (or The Time I was "That" Girl)

Richard (fake name) was in my high school class and we reconnected on Tinder of all places. We set up a date. I let him pick me up at my house because I "knew" him from high school. We had English together sophomore year and I hadn't seen him since. But we had mutual friends from school and due to the nature of his job, I knew he had passed a background check, so I relaxed my serial-killer-radar™.

So we went to a bar, had two drinks.
Went to another bar, had two drinks.
Went to a third bar, had two drinks.
(Notice, no food is mentioned. Bad call on my part.)

At this point I feel it necessary to mention that Richard was a good 8 inches taller and at least 50lbs heavier than me and is handling his drinks much better.

We return to my house and put a large steak in the oven. I give him a tour of the house, very unsteady on my feet.

Let's call a spade a spade: I was shitfaced drunk. I never blackout. I remember the important details of the evening. I'm not proud of myself, but that's why this is anonymous-ish.

 At some point in the tour, Richard must have sensed that I was extremely drunk because he excused himself to go downstairs and check on the steak. Immediately after he left the room, I threw up in a sink. I'm so fucking classy guys. Also, this was on a Monday night. Oops.

My stomach a little less full of alcohol, Richard and I sit down to eat a freaking delicious steak. After dinner, we move to the couch and start making out. Clothes come off and eventually we are both completely naked. The small portion of my brain is saying "Really? This is a first date. Get your shit together." But the rest of my brain said, "Screw it, you want it, he wants it. Go for it."

So we had sex. This was my first time having sex on the first date. But you know what, who cares? I didn't burst into flames! I didn't develop a crazy attachment to him! It was sex. Sex is normal and healthy and we were consenting adults. And he called the next day and we went out several more times, which is a story for another day because I'm still mildly in shock about how it all ended. And for that story, I feel like "Dick" will be a more apt fake name for him, but I'll save that for another day.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Ah romance!

Send me your addresses, I need to get invitations in the mail soon. I'm thinking a winter wedding.

Saturday, September 27, 2014

Why I'm Like This

I've never thought I was beautiful, or even pretty. Maybe cute on a good day.

Some days I sincerely wonder if anyone grows up well adjusted. My parents were pretty great. I lived a very lucky life and had most anything I wanted, within reason. I started and stopped several expensive extracurriculars throughout my childhood and had been to Europe twice before I was 17. I get that I'm very fortunate, some would say spoiled.

So I understand that I'll sound like a "poor little rich girl" when I say, no one ever told me I was pretty. I was always, always praised for my intelligence. By my parents, aunts, uncles, all relatives, my friends, my parents' friends.

So I knew I was smart from an early age. But in middle school boys didn't, or I thought they didn't, like smart. I went to a small private school so my options for boys were limited. In high school, I fell into a nerdy crowd and seemed assured that I would be a virgin until I was 35. (spoiler alert: that's not how it played out)

But then my family moved to Seattle for my Dad's job. At the time I was annoyed, because that's the default mode for all teenagers, but looking back, the move changed the course of my life, for the better I think. I was able to jump several rungs on the social ladder and had my first boyfriend within six months.

However, because I thought I wasn't pretty, because it took me 15 years to get that first boyfriend, because I honestly believed no other guy would ever look my way, I held on to that relationship for waaaayyyyy too long.

And that was my M.O. ever since. To be clear, I wouldn't describe myself as clingy, and I don't get dumped. I just put up with a LOT of bullshit. Because every time I manage to get a man's attention, I'm desperate to keep it. I've been abused. I've been lied to, repeatedly. I've made ridiculous sacrifices for men. But no more.

Part of the purpose of this blog is to spread the word about how ridiculous dating is. Part of the purpose is to figure out what I want. I won't settle again. I may not think I'm beautiful, but I do think I'm cute, pretty even. I get approached in bars sometimes. I get messaged online quite a bit. I have a lot of Tinder matches, which is superficial and stupid, but validating. I go on a lot of dates, but I've recognized that I spend the date trying to make sure the man likes me. But do I like them? That's what I plan to focus on. Do I like them? Is he right for me? Is he someone I want to spend me free time with? Is he someone I would introduce to my parents or son one day?

Its hard for me to change my way of thinking, but I'm going to give it an honest shot. Wish me luck!


Well, that's…something

Actual pick up lines* said to me or sent to me online
*I think these are pick up lines? Guys are fucking weird.

-You seem tough. I bet you'd do well in prison. (Yeah, so back the fuck up before I shank you)

-You seem like you'd be fun to rob a pet store with. (Points for originality)

-I'm sorry but you're hot (after further investigation, he was apologizing because apparently looking at my full clothed pictures made him physically excited. Ahem.)

-Cn i get to kno u? (Right after you get to know Hooked on Phonics)

-You seem like everything I'm looking for! Too bad you have a kid. (Dafuq? Why even talk to me if you are just going to tell me that Kiddo is a deal breaker? My kid is freaking awesome. #next)

-You're pretty hot for a mom. (Fuck you. I'm hot. Full stop. Shove your backhanded compliment up your ass.)

-XXX (my favorite sports team) sucks. (Cool story. You think as a lifelong fan I'm unaware of my teams inability to win a championship? Is it because I'm a silly girl who doesn't really know sports? Also, in what world did you think shitting all over something I like right after introducing yourself would lead to me wanting to continue this conversation with you.)

Friday, September 26, 2014

Thursday, September 25, 2014

The Passion of the..Wait, WHAT?

Many, many years ago when I was but a young innocent high school lass, my outgoing best friend Krissy taught Sunday school. It was extremely incongruous because we would spend much of Saturday acquiring alcohol, spend Saturday night getting mildly drunk off our pilfered beverages, I would spend the night at her house, and then we would drag our asses to teach Sunday School. This was usually followed by lunch at an Indian restaurant. Chicken Tikka Masala will always remind me of Krissy.

Krissy's Sunday School teaching partner (I was unofficial, and only attended when I had nowhere better to be) was a boy named…Sean I think? Sure, we're rolling with that. Sean went to the only other co-ed Catholic High School in the area. That school was much smaller and later Krissy and I would have an unofficial contest to see who could make out with more boys from that school.

So Sean asked me out. I wasn't really my type but I figured it couldn't hurt anything to go on a date or two with this guy. Damn. Was his name Sean? That's going to drive me crazy now. Sean was a little on the nerd side. A little on the chubby side. Waaaaayyyy on the Catholic side.

Now, I made it through 12 years of Catholic school, was an alter server and even got confirmed. I was a "good"ish Catholic girl which in my definition meant I made out with a lot of guys but went no further. Sean was super devout. I have no idea if he thought he could get me to behave or thought it would be a fun experiment to go out with a semi-wild girl.

So Sean and I went on a first date. I have no real memory of the date but it must have been nice enough because we went out again and this is the part you'll want to hear.

For our second date Sean and I had dinner and a movie. Dinner was at a Mexican restaurant. The movie was The Passion of the Christ. I know, I know, even for Catholic school kids, this makes for a horrible date movie. It was his idea and I went along with it because if I took the ticket stub to my religion class, I could get extra credit. Win/Win right?

So we find seats in the theater and the movie starts. Everyone is keeping their hands to themselves and being properly somber. Until the crucifixion scene.  Sean chose this moment to "Make His Move."
Y'all, he tried to make out with me and cop a feel. During The Passion of the Christ.

It startled the hell out of me and I very loudly said, "I CAN'T MAKE OUT WITH YOU WHILE THEY KILL JESUS!" So we finished the movie sitting side by side, not touching.


Learning to Enjoy the Ride

Being single feels like a roller coaster.

Somedays I want with all my heart to go back and make it work with "the one that got away," who in my case is "the one I pushed away."

Somedays I despair that I'll never find anyone to love and love me. That I'll be alone for ever. That I'll never remarry. That I'll never have more children.

Somedays I don't know if I even believe in marriage.

Somedays I have my hands full enough with the child I have!

And, somedays when I have a full dance card of handsome, eligible men that want to take me out to dinner and hold my hand and kiss me like there's no tomorrow, I think, "this is the best damn roller coaster."


Tuesday, September 23, 2014



Usually, before I go out with a guy, I get to know them a bit. I typically ask "Have you ever been married?" and "Do you have any kids?" I've been married and I have a son, so I'm not against either of those things. I'm just a curious cat.

This is what's known in the game as foreshadowing chickadees. Eric's real name is Eric. I'm using his real name because fuck him. We met on Tinder, where all great love stories start. The conversation was going well so we set a date. We both like hockey so we decide to go see a minor league game.

Prior to the date he asks, "Do you have a passport?"
"Am I about to be trafficked?"
"No, I just thought we could go to Canada for a NHL game."
"Uhhh, I'm not going to another country on a first date with a guy I met online. I watch Dateline. I know how this ends."

So he switches back to plan A. Picks me up, we have an enjoyable conversation through rush hour traffic all the way to the arena. He asks why I didn't compliment him on his car. Mildly annoying, I brushed it off. We watch a minor league playoff game. Its fun. We are clicking.

The game ends. We go to dinner at an Irish Bar because its the week before St. Patty's Day and it seemed festive. We're having a nice dinner, sitting on the same side of a booth, being disgustingly adorable.

He takes me home to drop me off. I invite him in because I love making out. So obviously we start making out on the couch. He's a good kisser. He does have some mildly annoying qualities but I figure I'm down to make out with this guy and see him again. You never know right? He wants to take things further but I put the breaks on it and say we should call it a night. It was pretty late. So he leaves and we make plans to hang out two days from that night.

So Sunday night Eric arrives to pick me up and take me out to dinner. I'm ready to go and meet him at the door with my shoes on. He tells me we need to talk first. Oh this should be good.
"So you know how I said I don't have kids and have never been married?"
"Yes, I recall this conversation…"
"I actually have two daughters."
Internally I'm thinking, this isn't such a big deal. I'm pissed he lied, but let's see where this goes.
He continues, "And I'm actually still married."
At this point I'm pretty pissed. I'm legally still married but we haven't lived together in months and I've filed for divorce. This is complicated but something I could deal with, if he had been upfront.

"And I still live with my wife. But I'm totally going to file for divorce soon."

Nope. Nope. Nope. We're done here.


David #1

This is not chronological by any means. I figured I'd start with a weird one to lure you in.

In early summer I met a guy on Tinder. He was hot as hell in his profile pics without a beard. But I figured, eh, beards come and beards go, whatever. We start chatting and set a time to meet up. Due to my schedule, it's going to be a brunch time date. I also didn't want a dinner date with David (totes not his real name) because we had a spark and I knew if we had dinner we'd end up in bed and I'm trying to be less slutty.

So David picks me up at my house and brings me flowers. Aww, such a gentleman!

That lasted all of a second because we were making out within 5 minutes of his arrival. As a recovering slut, I decided we needed to move this date to a public location so our clothes would stay on. We get in his truck and discover we had made no plans. I'm not impressed. If you ask me out, I expect two things: 1. You will have at least a general idea of what we will do.
2. You will pick up the tab.

We start driving and he heads towards a casino. Because, sure, why not. On the way there he teaches me the words to a "Hell-billy" song. (its a thing, look it up) requests that I sing the chorus as loudly as possible and take shots of Fireball. I go along with this because I'm not one to turn down a challenge.

We arrive at the casino and park. Commence some under the shirt action. We eventually wander around the casino, drink more drinks, eat at the buffet. Not impressed but at least he paid, eventually, At first, he snuck into the buffet, just to see what would happen he said.

We go to Walmart. So romantic! he buys several cheesy American flag shirts and a can of Mike's Hard Lemonade for me.

He offers to drive me past my old house and help me "re-acquire" my BBQ. I see my ex's car in the driveway so we cancel that plan and he takes me home because I had plans with  a girlfriend in the evening.

Of course this means we start making out on my couch again. And he asks to take his shirt off. Sure. And asks to take my shirt off. Sure. Then he starts going for the pants. I freeze. Redress myself and ask him to leave. And he does.

It was the most bizarre first date and now retelling it, it makes no sense why I went along with all of this. But I did and it was an adventure, and not the last adventure with David.


Hey there!

Welcome to my corner of the internet!
And who am I? That's one secret I'll never tell.
Gossip Girl

Ok, not really. I'm Natalie

I'm in my late 20s and I live and work in the Seattle Metro Area. Let's keep this somewhat anonymous so I can dish the dirt. I'm divorced and I have a young child who we'll call Kiddo. The divorce stuff is amicable and I share custody with Kiddo's dad so I have a bit of free time to date every now and then. My Ex-Husband was my high school sweetheart so I'm way behind the curve on dating. I have no idea what the rules for dating are, but I'm damn good at finding a date.

But guess what, finding a date is the least of the complications! Dating is really hard. Its kind of exhausting. And annoying. And wonderful.  And guys are hilarious and stupid, and sweet and everything in between.

So pour a drink and pull up a chair. I've got some stories to tell.