A Pattern Emerges

I saw my therapist today. (At least pretend to be surprised that I have a therapist.) I've been seeing him, off and on as needed for 4...5? years. I hadn't seen him in a few months so I had a lot to tell him to get him up to speed. For clarity's sake, we're calling the therapist Bill.

One of the things I wanted Bill's take on was the whole Jack fiasco. Bill helped me see that I have a pattern of depending on a man to take care of me. I have joked for a long time that my Dad would trade me to a Saudi man for 2 sheep and a goat so long as he thought the Saudi could keep me in line. But I had been living my life that way as well.

When I was younger, I depended on my Dad, like kids do. But I also saw my Mom depend on my Dad. A lot. Even now, if my dad dies first, I know my mom will need a lot of help navigating financials and paperwork, etc. Dad handles all that.

Then I got married and depended on John. When I decided he was too unreliable, I depended on Tom. When Tom turned out to be a fucking psycho, I dated and dated and dated until I got tired and took a break.

I did my own taxes.I kept the kid alive and the house standing. I planned, paid for, and took a trip all on my own.  I was as independant as I've ever been. But then I came home from my trip, things got serious with Jack and I gave up on myself. I stopped being independent because I thought my White Knight had arrived.

I could feel myself growing clingy and needy and hating it. I think it played a part in the break up with Jack. I swear, once I saw this pathetic pattern, a switch was flipped. I've been enjoying my alone time. I've been keeping myself entertained at home, not drinking, not pestering my friends or parents or Jack or John via text to keep me company.

I see the pattern now. I need to be mindful of it. Even when I eventually get into another relationship, I need to keep standing on my own two feet.