Torture

I haven't needed to do this in a while but I relented and took an anxiety pill just now.

I'm making myself miserable. I'm anxious about several things like the shitty interaction with my parents over Labor Day weekend, and my kid hating daycare. I'm an idiot and so I'm allowing the anxiety to ooze over onto my relationship with Jack. Do you know what its sounded like in my head for the last two days? Here's a sample:

Why doesn't he text me first? We don't have anything planned together coming up, not even dinner and Netflix, he's probably getting ready to dump me. I need to hide my anxious-ness better, he's going to dump me again if I'm too much of a hassle. I feel lonely and sad, but I can't talk to him about it because I texted him and he didn't respond and if I send more than one text in a row, it means I like him way more than he likes me. This will never work. Save yourself now. He's never going to be less busy. He's never going to have enough time for me. I'm a bottomless pit of need and I'll never be happy so I should let him go now. He doesn't like you. He doesn't love you. He tolerates you. 

And so forth and so on.


I wrote the first half of this, and then came back a few hours later. That anxiety pill didn't do shit. I texted with Jack and he's potentially coming to my house tonight, I just feel like I harangued him into coming. I hate myself. I just want to cry and sleep.

I'm having a hard time because we broke up once before and I see everything as indicators that its about to happen again. I keep trying to brace myself so it won't hurt as much this time.

I stupidly fell into a google-hole and found all sorts of stuff, written and pictures, about his past loves. He posted one picture of the two of us on Facebook. This shouldn't matter. I know this shouldn't matter. Facebook is not an accurate was to quantify his feelings for me.

Last night, I got desperate. Jack had been busy at work and had sent maybe 2 texts all day. I texted Jack to say good night. He responded and I put my phone down. Then 5 minutes later, picked it back up. I asked him to give me 5 minutes of his time because I felt weird. I asked him, "please just tell me something good or interesting about your day." I explain how anxious I've been about my kid and that the anxiety was spilling over to "us."

A minute later,  my phone rang. It was Jack, he gave me 10 uninterrupted minutes of his time to tell me about his day and help me feel a little less disconnected. I'm learning about myself in this relationship. As corny as I think they are, I've found that my "love language" is a close tie between Words of Affirmation and Quality Time. So while not texting much throughout the day shouldn't be a problem, it makes me feel disconnected from Jack.