Case of the Ex

I have to give my ex husband a pseudonym because now I have to talk about him. Let's say John.

After I got dumped I was a wreck.
John saw an opportunity.
He works just blocks from me now and a few days after the Jack breakup, John invited me to lunch. Just as friends.

I agreed for a few reasons. First, I felt like my life was falling apart,so who cares if I made one more poor decision. Second, I've known John since I was 15. He has numerous flaws and faults, but 2 years ago, he knew everything about me. Since he'll always be in my life, I hope he can be my friend. I have no resentment or ill will towards John anymore. And lastly, a small part of me thought he might buy my lunch. I'm willing to go through a lot for a free meal. (I bought my own lunch FYI)

John and I had lunch. I explained my 4th of July antics and resulting consequences. He told me about his new condo and attempts at dating. It was fine if a bit stilted and awkward.

I went back to work that afternoon and a crushing weight of loneliness settled on my chest. John was nice and texted to  check up on me. I said I needed a hug but knew that wasn't fair to ask of him. When I left work, there was John at my bus stop. He gave me a big enveloping hug.  I didn't need a hug specifically from or from a man per se, I needed physical contact.

John rode the bus with me. He patted my leg. He briefly put his arm around my shoulders.
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
Anything I do or say to John he interprets as a sign that there is hope for us. It makes me think I need to act overtly hostile towards him so that I don't get blamed for leading him on.

I had a brief fantasy in my head: What my life could be life if I gave things a chance with John. He had a steady, well paid job now. I wouldn't have to live on such a tight budget. There would be another adult in case I got burned out from Kiddo.
But, I didn't love John romantically. I didn't want him in my bed.

Finally the bus ride was over. He invited me to see his new condo. I accepted the invite because I wanted to see the place where my son will live 50% of the time. Once we got to the condo, John showed me around. He had a slip of the tongue which lead to his confession that my parents had socialized with John on Sunday, without me, after I told them that their relationship with John made me uncomfortable and like they loved me less. I asked them not to have contact with John more than strictly necessary. And they had ignored my request.

Then I got a text that Kiddo's nanny of 3 years was giving her two week notice. John had known for 24 hours but didn't tell me. The brief fantasy I had allowed myself or being financially secure. crashed down. It was just that, a fantasy. John was still the same liar.

I excused myself and drove home because I knew tears were imminent. Mostly the tears were because I felt betrayed by my mom and upset that now, on top of everything, I needed to find new childcare.

That Saturday, John and I took our Kiddo on an adventure. It was fine. I think its good for Kiddo to see that his parents can interact in an amicable way. Saturday night, I couldn't bear to be alone after Kiddo went to bed. John brought over take out and watched a movie with me. I knew I was in dangerous territory with this. Asking him to be around would only make John think that we could be a couple again. At the time, I didn't care. I just wanted someone to sit on the couch with me.

The next day John called. He wanted to talk about us and if we were just friends or if there was something more. I told John I appreciated his friendship. I appreciated bringing me dinner. I appreciated how compassionate he was being.
But
I also told him that I was not interested in a relationship. The situation with Jack had my mind reeling. I was not able to be in a relationship with anymore, let alone John. I also told him that I didn't want to be in a relationship with him because the stakes were too high. In reality, I'm not attracted to him anymore. We have too much history and under no set of circumstances do I want a romantic relationship with him. He hasn't changed.