Tuesday, July 28, 2015

We Jumped

Jack came over last night to exchange items. It was so awkward. I popped an anti-anxiety pill before he arrived because my nerves were so bad. He came in and handed me my stuff. We stood awkwardly and talked. I had my hands stuffed in my pockets, racking my brain, trying to come up with something non-pathetic I could say that I'd been doing in the last two weeks we'd been apart.

We moved to sit on the couch because standing enhanced the awkwardness. There were a lot of times no one said anything for a minute or two. We just looked at each other, and then away. How sad that I loved this man just a month ago and now I couldn't meet his eye or make conversation.

We stumbled along. Talking about our patterns in relationships. Jack's tendency to self-sabotage. My quick temper. Things we wish we could do different. Jack mentioned a potential job offer in LA, and said he was considering it "Since I got dumped and don't have anything keeping me here now."
Since you got dumped? That is so not how that conversation felt to me.

So then we hashed out who dumped who. We talked about how we missed each other. Missed the weird jokes and references that formed a language only the two of us knew. Talked about the futility of trying again. Jack talked about his need to grow up. I talked about my need to be self-reliant.

It felt like Jack thought this whole conversation was pointless, he said we didn't get along. I didn't think that was the case. I got teary because I felt like I was begging for him to give me a chance, pleading for a hopeless cause.

I told Jack that if this was just a weird way of breaking up again, if he was trying to let me down easy, that I would prefer that he just end it and get it over with. Jack insisted that wasn't what he was doing.  Said that he just didn't think he could be the right guy for me, the man worthy of me. But that he knew it wasn't fair to keep me in limbo while he tried to grow up, but that he was scared of seeing me find someone else. I told him I didn't want to find someone else, unless he didn't want me, because then, yeah, I'll eventually find someone else.

When we were together, Jack said several times that he needed to step his game up, that he wasn't sweeping me off my feet. I don't need to be swept off my feet, I want something real.  I didn't need big gestures, the way Jack would smile when he looked at me, the way he'd actually listen when I talked about my day, that he tried to explain his problems at work to me, everywhere we went together I felt like he was showing me off, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, that was more than enough for me.

I was too teary and tired to keep going around and around with Jack. I said, "Either we end this for good now, or we give it a try, and maybe things won't work out and we'll break up for good next time, or maybe it will work out and we'll go live the life we talked about. We can talk and talk about it, but at a certain point, you take a chance and jump or you don't."

We decided to jump.

He had me promise to be more patient. I had him promise to be more communicative. We both agreed to make an effort to not let outside forces influence us too much. To not discuss our new fledgling relationship with Trish (who set us up originally) or Trish's husband Jeff (who is very anti-Natalie and I don't know why).

I don't know where we go from here. I know what I want, and I know it will take hard work from both of us to make this work. I'm hopeful but nervous.

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