572 and Counting...

After the break up, we had no contact for about 10 days. I couldn't stand the dull roar of questions in my head so I typed up some notes. I intended to send Jack an email. I texted him to ask if we were allowed to talk. He said yes. We set up a time to have a phone conversation.

I spent the day with knots in my stomach. (Actually since the breakup I've been so anxious and nervous that I've lost 7 lbs. Silver lining!) At the appointed time I called. I was so glad to have my notes for reference. I was beyond nervous. I apologized again for my actions at the 4th of July party. I outlined the steps I'm taking to improve myself. I asked if he was serious when he told me that maybe we could give it another try some day.

Jack meant it. He said he cares about me. He wants me to be healthy and happy, even if I'm not with him. He thanked me for not bad mouthing him on facebook. He told me he realized he has some growing up to do as well.

It was a good talk. I felt a sense of closure. Even if we never get back together, I'm glad we had that talk. It put some of my fears to rest. Mostly, I just wanted to hear that he still cared because I was really struggling with the fact that 2 weeks prior, we exchanged "I love yous."  Jack suggested that he could bring my belongings to my house sometime next week. That we would have no expectations of how this exchange would go, but maybe we'd talk for 5 minutes, maybe we'd end up having dinner together. I told him I had a few of his things as well. He said he didn't care.

"Oh, that sucks because I was keeping your hoodie as collateral. But if you don't care about it, I have no cards to play"

"No, I mean, I want the hoodie, its my only one, but I'd rather my hoodie be with you than anywhere else."

As we ended the conversation, Jack told me he'd call me the next day.

He did not call the next day. Or the day after that. On the evening of the second day, one drink turned into five and I texted him. I asked him what happened to talking like he said. "I said I'd try. I'm still not good at that of course but I said I might talk to you tomorrow."

Bullshit. I'm sick of this bullshit. He was all over Facebook Friday and Saturday. If I was important, he would have found 30 seconds to text me. This is the same fight we've been having as long as I've known him.

I was drunk and sad when I received that text. So I downloaded Tinder to my phone. I wanted a quick self esteem boost and within 12 hours I had 4 men ask me out on dates. I didn't make plans with any of them. I don't intend to go out with anyone.

I needed Tinder for 2 reasons.
1) To distract me. Its a lot easier not to worry when a guy is going to text you, if you're busy talking to a lot of other people.
2) To remind me that I'm attractive. As of writing this, I have 572 tinder matches (some are leftover from the last time I used the app, earlier this year). If Jack doesn't want me, doesn't want to work on the relationship that we both agreed was full of potential, then I'll wait until my heart is more healed, and go out and find a man that loves me the way I deserve to be loved.