Mixed up

I don't even know.

I want to tell Jack that I love him. I want to go ring shopping, I want him to move in. I want to wake up next to him everyday. I want to make babies with him.

But then I think, "calm the hell down." It's only been a few months. And I'm an overthinker. Jack will do or say something that throws me off balance, and makes me feel as though I'm being kept at arm's length.

I was over at his house. He was still getting over a cold and I was exhausted from not sleeping the night before. We lounged on the couch but nothing held my interest so I asked if we could take a nap. We took a delightful 3 hour nap, then got up and ate leftovers on the couch while we watched a movie. Just normal couple stuff, right?

But Jack later tells me he still feels anxious around me.

Oh.

I thought we were acting like a completely, at ease, casual, sweatpants and netflix kind of couple. But instead he's a bundle of anxiety. I told him how I feel like he keeps me at arm's length. Jack tells me he's "deeply committed" and doesn't know how to change how I feel. Much like I don't know how to make him stop feeling anxious.

I crowdsourced help from my girlfriends. The unanimous response is basically that he likes me a lot but doesn't want to scare me off. Huh.

I've been kicking these thoughts around in my head all weekend. And basically the only decision I made is that I'm just going to have to go for it. I'm going to jump into this relationship with both feet. I'm going to tell Jack that I love him and see what happens.

Its a true statement that I've been practicing saying to him when he's snoring next to me. (I have to practice saying important things several times before the words can actually come out) Fuck it, right? I mean, the worst that could happen is that he doesn't say it back or doesn't feel the same about me. I can live with an outcome like that. Like a sane person, I hope it goes well. But the sick little part of my brain doesn't even care if this goes disastrously wrong because I can turn that into a blog post just like I do with every other misadventure I have.