Goodbye Jack

July 5, I woke up embarassed of my drunken behavior the night before. I felt guilty and awful. Jack talked me down. He asked me to stay awhile. He went and got coffee for him and hot chocolate for me. We talked, I cried. He said all the right things and made me feel better, made me feel like I could fix this.

Sunday evening, I ran into him at a show. He acted very different, uncomforatble, like he didn't want to be around me. All day Monday he ignored my texts. Monday evening, I was sick of the silent treatment and called him to break up with him. But he turned the tables by breaking up with me. 

My behavior on the 4th of July scared him. Even if I work on myself, which I need to do anyway, Jack wasn't right for me. I wanted him to be. I wanted not to have introduced my kid to "another random guy." But last night I made a list, "reasons it wouldn't have worked out anyway." I got to 30 without breaking a sweat. So I'm sad that it didn't work because I had fun with him and he could be very sweet and thoughtful, but he wasn't The One.

Its not the worst thing though. Sometimes when I'm dating a guy, I'll get way ahead of myself, picturing the future that could be. But I didn't do that with Jack. I couldn't picture living together.

• He was too particular about the way his clothes were folded. He could never, ever wake up on time and would be hours late to work several times a week. 
• He had so many other side businesses and projects and worked late that I always felt guilty taking up his time. He had a way of making me insecure, and I hated that he brought out that aspect of my personality. 
• He couldn't/wouldn't open up. I feel like there is still so much of him that I don't know. And now I'll never know. 

I took the day off work. I stayed in bed, thinking and writing, and watching Netflix. Food didn't sound appealing, a shower sounded like too much work. I kept turning it all over and over in my mind. I'm a little sad, a little mad, hurt, lonely, it changes minute by minute. 

The good part, which is still kind of shitty, is that I've been through break-ups before. I was relatively new to them before my divorce, before Tom, but now I've lived through some shit. 

I know I need to keep my mind busy. When I feel like there is an emptiness in my day, I need to fill it with something good for my mind, body or soul. When my heart hurts and I feel like I can't breathe, I need to take it minute by minute. Days will pass and I can take it hour by hour. Eventually the thoughts won't sting. There will be a song or a place that will hurt, but the dull, constant ache will fade. 

It hasn't yet, but I know it will. I just have to ride this out.