Friday, July 17, 2015

Hope

Nine months ago, I never would have thought that a guy like Jack was out there for me.
Now, at another low point in my life, I can't imagine I'll ever be in love, can't imagine getting married or having more babies. Jack shattered me. I let him know all of me, fears, worries, hopes. And for all intents and purposes, he looked at the package I was offering him and said, "No, thanks."
It hurts. I loved him. I let him into my heart, my home, my bed. We had inside jokes and special words. It was brief but it was intense. And at least for me, it was real.

I don't want to do this anymore. I don't want to go on awkward first dates and ask about men's hobbies and jobs. I'm so tired of expending mental energy thinking about "what are we?" "why hasn't he texted?" "Does he like me?"

My friend Kate and I call each other soulmates. We met months ago and clicked in a way that is rare for me. She knows what I need to hear and tells me even if I don't want to hear it. Kate takes care of me and is hilarious. She's the Dorothy to my Blanche. I keep trying to be ok with the idea that I may not find romantic love.

I'm really trying to believe that the right guy is out there. And even if he's not, I have a wonderful son and amazing friends. I don't believe it yet but I'll keep repeating it to myself until I do.

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