I feel like I can't trust my own brain. I can feel myself acting needy and clingy. I know how unattractive that is. I know I don't want to be that kind of girlfriend. I don't want to have that kind of dynamic with Jack. I've been distracted all day, worrying, for no real reason.
I swear, something is wrong with me. Its like I put on upbeat music, took a deep breath, and remembered that Jack is handing off a big project today. Mondays are usually busy for him at work. And that I'm the only one making things shaky. I'll hear from him when he gets a moment. I'll see him when he has time. I get myself all worked up in a foul mood, but in reality, Jack acts like I am a priority. He sees me often. He's thoughtful.
It was maybe an hour, he spent on yesterday, reassuring me. Taking my hands in his, he had me put up my fingers.
"10" He folded down my left thumb.
"20" He folded down my left pointer finger.
"and 28 so most of this finger" he said, taking my left middle finger between his hands.
"Pretend that we are going to live to be 100. Look at all the fingers and decades we have to spend together. So you, being anxious and stressed now, is so small in the big picture."
That made me melt. Absolutely melt. Its easily in the top 5 Sweetest Gestures I've received. In my life.
I'm crazy about this man. He says the perfect thing.
But then disappears and I wonder if I'm imagining it all. If this whole relationship is means more to me than it does to him. And then I hate myself for doubting him. And then I get mad because I've spend hours having this internal battle with myself and haven't heard from Jack for more than half a day. And then I'm sad that I'm worried about this at all. And the whole time, I'm just a churning sea of emotions. Its exhausting. Its a roller coaster I don't want to be on.
I've been treated for depression on and off since I was 16. I spent most of ages 18-24 trying to "suck it up" and "get over it." Thinking I could will myself to not be depressed. It took me years to accept that depression was not a personal failing, not a weakness. My brain chemistry just doesn't work right. Its no one's fault and there is no shame in relying on pharmaceuticals to make my life a less of a struggle.
I've come to terms with the possibility that I may need to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. Everytime I've tried to wean myself off, it doesn't work well. I'm stubborn, but I decided to take the pills and see my therapist as needed. I played by the rules for 3 years, and the last 6 months or so, have been some of the happiest of my adult life.
So to be crashing now, is really disappointing. Its partly about Jack, partly about my ex, my job, my kid, my parents, my bills, my responsibilites, of all shapes and forms. Its a little of everything.
It just feels so unfair. I took the pills, got out of the house, made new hobbies, and it doesn't matter. The depression catches up with me eventually. I feel like I'll never really be healthy. That I'll struggle with this every.day.of.my.life. It exhausting and overwhelming and I don't want to do it. I want to hide under a pile of blankets on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and letting the world pass me by.
It was maybe an hour, he spent on yesterday, reassuring me. Taking my hands in his, he had me put up my fingers.
"10" He folded down my left thumb.
"20" He folded down my left pointer finger.
"and 28 so most of this finger" he said, taking my left middle finger between his hands.
"Pretend that we are going to live to be 100. Look at all the fingers and decades we have to spend together. So you, being anxious and stressed now, is so small in the big picture."
That made me melt. Absolutely melt. Its easily in the top 5 Sweetest Gestures I've received. In my life.
I'm crazy about this man. He says the perfect thing.
But then disappears and I wonder if I'm imagining it all. If this whole relationship is means more to me than it does to him. And then I hate myself for doubting him. And then I get mad because I've spend hours having this internal battle with myself and haven't heard from Jack for more than half a day. And then I'm sad that I'm worried about this at all. And the whole time, I'm just a churning sea of emotions. Its exhausting. Its a roller coaster I don't want to be on.
I've been treated for depression on and off since I was 16. I spent most of ages 18-24 trying to "suck it up" and "get over it." Thinking I could will myself to not be depressed. It took me years to accept that depression was not a personal failing, not a weakness. My brain chemistry just doesn't work right. Its no one's fault and there is no shame in relying on pharmaceuticals to make my life a less of a struggle.
I've come to terms with the possibility that I may need to be on antidepressants for the rest of my life. Everytime I've tried to wean myself off, it doesn't work well. I'm stubborn, but I decided to take the pills and see my therapist as needed. I played by the rules for 3 years, and the last 6 months or so, have been some of the happiest of my adult life.
So to be crashing now, is really disappointing. Its partly about Jack, partly about my ex, my job, my kid, my parents, my bills, my responsibilites, of all shapes and forms. Its a little of everything.
It just feels so unfair. I took the pills, got out of the house, made new hobbies, and it doesn't matter. The depression catches up with me eventually. I feel like I'll never really be healthy. That I'll struggle with this every.day.of.my.life. It exhausting and overwhelming and I don't want to do it. I want to hide under a pile of blankets on my couch, bingeing on Netflix and letting the world pass me by.
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