The Silver Lining

On Monday Jack broke up with me. I felt devastated. Crushed. Unloveable.
On Tuesday I stayed home from work and felt sorry for myself. But my friends kicked into action. Friends I hadn't heard from in months or even years, checked up on me.

Kate has been my biggest cheerleader. She's been texting me all throughout her days, fitting me in between work and school. Reminding me of my worth and validating my feelings. Pointing out that Jack was not blameless and that I am not 100% at fault.

Aly has been texting me as well. Telling me I can and will survive this. That though getting black out drunk isn't advisable, its not the worst sin. She's helped put it into perspective, I didn't get a DUI, I didn't cheat on Jack, I was rowdy. Just rowdy and abrasive, which isn't great but I've apologized and would fix it if I could.

Hannah and I haven't hung out since May so I was pleasantly surprised when she texted to ask if I needed tissues or brownies or anything. She didn't have to say anything, but she did and it means a lot. She had me over, bought me pizza and brownies and let me talk her ear off.

Bob is a friend from college. We were pretty close back in the day. Bob came to my wedding. But since he moved to Oregon, we'd mostly lost touch. But he knew I was hurting so he emailed me. He talked with me. Reminded me that I'm a good, caring, fun person. I told him that part of what hurt is that Jack was the first man in a long time to not make me feel "less than" for being a single mom." Bob was raised by a single mom. He had words of courage and inspiration for me. I'd never have guessed that he would pop up on my radar, but there he was, like no time had passed.

Jessica is a friend I met at work. She was the first non-family visitor to the hospital when Kiddo was born. She is as crazy about Taylor Swift as I am. She moved to Idaho about a year ago and is busy with school. I've been busy with life so we don't keep in touch as much as we would like to. But she called me up and talked with me for about an hour. Until my spirits were lifted, just a bit. She's understandably preoccupied with school and work, but took the time to call. Because we missed each other and she knew I needed it.

Mom wouldn't let me feel sorry for myself. She made me get out of bed and shower. She had me over to her condo to play dominoes. She kept my mind distracted by telling stories for her childhood. She made sure I ate. she took me to get my nails done. She tried to be listening and understanding. As best she could.

Grandma can grate on my nerves. But Tuesday night when I went to my mom's condo, w played more dominoes and worked on a puzzle. When that didn't distract me enough, she told me stories about growing up on a farm with no running water, about WWII and the story of how she met my grandfather. She also gave me great advice, which was: 1) There is a good man out there for me and 2) a year from now, I wouldn't be worrying about Jack. So why worry about it now?

Landrie is a friend I made online in one of my Facebook groups. She's a single mom in Texas and our circumstances are similar. She's beautiful, takes no shit, and give a hell of a pep talk. I'm grateful to have her voice of reason in my head, because she's had the same experiences as a single mom trying to date.

My ex husband, who was a source of stress, has been compassionate. Above and beyond the call of duty, he listened to me explain the demise of my relationship with Jack. He met me for lunch and distracted me with talk about our son. He shared about his dating forays. It felt like a conversation between friends with history. A little awkward, but still, he's known me for years. He knows me as a person and I needed to be reminded that though I'm flawed, I'm not an alcoholic, I'm a good mom, I'm a good, funny, smart person.

And lastly, I'm a member of two special interest Facebook groups. One has about 4,000 members. I get lost in the shuffle because its busy, noisy and fast moving, but I'm so thankful to the women who have supported me. The other group is about 90 women. They've known me for more than 4 years. They check up on me, I bounce ideas off of them, they keep my mind clear.

I felt unlovable, but I'm very loved. Its not romantic love, and maybe I won't find that and I'm certainly taking a break from looking for it, but I am loved. I have a larger support system than I guessed. I know I'll be ok because my friends won't let me fall.