Conflicted

I have a few days distance from the break up with Jack. I'm busy with other stuff and trying to move on. My efforts are hampered by something he said. When he was breaking up with me, he made reference that maybe in the future things could be different. He told me, and he told Trish, that he really cares for me. That maybe when I "get over whatever I'm going through" there is a window of opportunity.

These are the questions torturing me:
Is Jack gone forever or is there a glimmer of hope?
If there is a chance to be with Jack again, do I even want him back?

The day before he broke up with me, Jack told me several times how strong I am, how much stress I'm under and how I handle it so well. He would tell me I needed to keep my parents at arms length because I am continuously seeking approval and comfort from my parents, especially my mom, and I never receive it. My parents are very critical of me. But then Jack left.

If I can't lean on my parents when things are hard, and I can't lean on Jack because he wants nothing to do with me, how am I supposed to be strong?

I feel alone and adrift. I feel reckless. If no one cares about me, why should I care about me? Why should I keep eating or working or sleeping. I want to wither away.

And even if I had another chance with Jack, if he will leave me when things are hard and I'm struggling, why would I want to put myself through this again? As he was breaking up with me, he said something to the effect that he felt like I wasn't relying on him, that I was too self-sufficient. I can't remember the words he used. But I told him, "I don't lean on you because you aren't reliable."

And that made him upset! As he was dumping me, HE was upset that I didn't feel I could rely on him! He was proving my point at that VERY MOMENT.

And yet,

I miss him. Often Jack would say that he needed to step his game up, that he wasn't sweeping me off my feet. I don't want to be swept off my feet. I want real, I want messy, I want difficult, I want the laughs and the tears. I want to know him inside and out and have him know me inside and out. And i don't think its fair to say he didn't sweep me off my feet. I loved him. I still love him, I think. I didn't need big gestures, the way he'd smile when he looked at me, the way he'd actually listen when I talked about my day, that he tried to explain his problems at work to me, I felt like everywhere we went together he was showing me off, the way he'd brush my hair out of my eyes, that was more than enough for me.

 Kate said, and I have to agree, that part of why breakups are so hard, is that not only did I lose Jack, I lost that whole potential future. I have a habit of getting carried away imagining what a relationship will look like 1 year, 5 years, in the future. But its a bad habit because nothing goes according to plan and that just sets you up for disappointment. I'd learned to curb the habit of playing make believe, not longer acting like a tween with a crush writing "Mrs. Blahblah" in notebooks.

But Jack put the ideas in my head anyway. When we together, at different times, he made allusions to getting married, to having babies. He said it was inevitable that we'd live together someday. Did he even believe those things as he was saying them?