Monday, December 22, 2014


So I texted a little bit with Jay about our last time together. I told him if we hang out again, it can't go like that, he can't be so rough. His response was "If we hang out again?"

To which I told him that I feel bad and I feel at fault for the miscommunication, but basically he scared me. And I admitted its not fair to him because I should have kept speaking up for myself (I guess?). He said, "Oh. Scared? Oh. Okay." And that was it. I don't know what to say to that. I had to tell him that I wasn't ok with what happened, I wasn't ok with all the bruises and shit, I wasn't ok that he didn't listen to me. And if I kept saying nothing and continuing to see him, its all my fault if he hurts me again.

This whole situation is bullshit. I talked to my therapist (Surprised? I'm only half joking when I say it takes a lot of pharmaceutical drugs to make me functional) about it and he couldn't figure out what I should have done differently. I was scared. This gigantic guy I thought I could trust is hitting me. I tell him not to and stops for a little bit, but then continues to do it. And not just hit me, but tell me he likes that its hurting me. I understand there is a whole world of BDSM stuff that goes on. That was not what Jay and I had negotiated. We had really amazing, fun, and mildly rough sex on several other occasions. This was scary and not fun.

Jay and I have always been really honest with each other. So when I texted and told him that wasn't a fun experience for me, it irritates me that he basically has nothing to say. I don't even think I was expecting an apology, just an acknowledgment that next time would be different. And he couldn't, or wouldn't, give me that.

Then two weeks later, when a potential first date cancelled a half hour before dinner, I went to see Jay. Of course we had sex. And Jay was gentle. Gentle to the point that it was unsatisfying, but I guess I'm a sexual Goldilocks and its a fine line to get it just right. Oh well.

We got dressed and he took me to dinner. I like walking with him, its so natural to link arms with him. We went back to his apartment and listen to music and talked about nothing for a while. Then because he's Jay, he pontificated about his career and what he needs to go to make a name for himself. This was an interesting topic, but at this point, I've heard the speech so many times, and I don't know anything about his industry, so I can't contribute and I just feel like a groupie.

Then Jay started to not feel well so I called a car and went home. I think I have this guy nearly out of my system. Its just not fun anymore.

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