Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Tom's Back?

Why can't I let this one go?

I know how good things between us can be. I also know how shitty he can make me feel. But if I'm honest with myself, If I wasn't so stubborn and feisty, would he say the things he says that hurt me?

I think I bring it upon myself. His effect on me is like a drug. Everytime I think I've detoxed, I relapse.  When everything's going well and I'm basking in his love, its like laying in the sunshine on a perfectly clear day in May. Its warm and relaxing and I feel satisfied. I feel safe and content.

But then the winds shift.

When he's mad, Tom can be scary. He can be childish. He'll stomp around. He'll hang up on me. He pouts. He tells me I'm rude. That I'm only giving him 30% of my effort. He makes me feel like I need to account for my every movement throughout the day. Like he'd prefer I was on house arrest. In happier times, we talked about getting married, and maybe I'd be a stay-at-home mom. But when he seems controlling, the stay-at-home mom pipe dream sounds like a way to make me dependant on him. To make me behave. Is this a fair thought or am I letting my fear run away with me?

Our fight is the same over and over. He tells me the ways I'm not being a good girlfriend. I tell him that I'm scared to give him my heart. The awful things he said have scarred me. I want to forgive but I know I'll never forget. His refusal to see that what he says and the way he acts is emotional abuse, is a sticking point for me. We can't make progress if he doesn't see that he's at fault too.

He tells me that if I can't give him my whole heart, there is no future. I don't know why everything has to be so black and white and hurried. I don't know why going slow is off the table. I see his point but surely he sees that demanding I let my guard down isn't possible. I don't think that's how emotions work.

I think a part of me knows it can't work. But I want that part to be wrong.

No comments:

Post a Comment