Lost

It was a weird day. I cleaned up the house, had lunch with a friend and then went to hang out with a guy. I don't know what I was expecting but it turned out different. We had sex and then I was kind of shown the door. So as I'm walking away, feeling like a whore, and kind of all mixed up, I passed a tattoo shop.

I've toyed with the idea of a tattoo for a while now. I have a couple ideas but I'm not sure I'm ready for something so permanent. I'm not great with commitment in any form. One of my hang ups about a tattoo is that my mom is forever telling me, "Nice girls don't get tattoos."

But I'm not a nice girl anymore.

I get this feeling once in a while, like itchy almost, where I need a change, I need to do something drastic. Usually I move, or color my hair. Sometimes I drop out of school. Once, I got a piercing. Most often, I'll go buy something edgy to wear, killer jewelry, a leather jacket, some "fuck me" heels. So as I walk past the tattoo shop, I think, maybe today's the day.

It was about 2pm on a Saturday, but I'd already had a drink that day. Can you get a tattoo if you've only had one drink? Fuck it. I go in and flip through some portfolio books, but I'm completely overwhelmed by the people that work there. Tatted from head to toe. I feel like a stupid child who doesn't know anything about anything.

So I leave and keep walking. Feeling rather shitty about myself because I'm intimidated by a tattoo shop. And I pass a Catholic church. Maybe this is the answer? I was raised Catholic. 12 years of Catholic school. I enter the church and sit in a row. And I cry a bit. And my mind wanders. I sit for about 30 minutes, but I don't feel any better so I leave.

Two blocks later, I pass a bar. And the moment felt right so I went in, posted up on the barstool and watched football and just sat for 4 vodka-crans. Half drunk and feeling better, I caught a bus to another bar for two more rounds with a friend.

When I'm not a work or being a mom, I don't know what I'm doing. And I end up filling the time with bad decisions. I'm just lost.