Jay #4

"That little whimper you make when I hit you really turns me on."

Great. Color me terrified.

Let me back up. Jay and I talked about the weirdness of this relationship. He says he really does like me, more than I think he does. He says that yes, he is moving but he plans to live in Seattle and L.A. He says he wants to keep seeing me as long as I'm happy and this makes me happy.

We have this whole conversation over text because Jay went to visit his dad, and then directly from there had a business trip. He asked me to come along and stay in a fancy hotel with him and explore the city by myself while he worked. It was a tempting offer but I have my own life going on so I can't just up and leave with 3 days notice.

We texted the whole time he was gone. About 2 weeks. He tells me about his travels, about his brothers, sends me pictures of the Grand Canyon, and then of course at night there's the sexting.

I'm not really a fan. I'll send pictures and I'll talk the talk because I'm a team player. But the whole thing is really for the guy. In a weird way, I feel like I'm leveraging my sex appeal to keep him interested until I see him again.

So I knew when Jay got back to town, it was going down. He was still wearing a suit from work. A man in a suit, yes please! So very quickly we are both naked. And we've always been a little rough with each other, which is fine and I've asked for and I like. But this is different. I back off and tell him to be nice. He agrees. And then doesn't. He's hitting too hard, biting too hard, pulling my hair too tight.

I'm not having fun here.  And because I'm a fucking coward, I do nothing. I already told him to be nicer and it didn't work. I'm flinching but I don't say anything else because I feel powerless and stupid. And then he says, "That little whimper you make when I hit you really turns me on." I just shut up and go with it because I don't know what else to do.

When its finally over, we lay there and talk and joke like we always do. I wait until it seems like its been long enough and then scramble into my clothes. Jay asks me to stay. I've spent the night with him before. I have a hard time sleeping, like actually sleeping, next to a guy. I usually need to be too tired to worry, or a little drunk, or actually trust them and feel safe. And I've felt safe with Jay, but not tonight.

Jay asks if I'm ok. I think this is the stupidest question ever. I'm always going to say I'm ok. I don't care if a shark just jumped out of the ocean and bit off my right arm. I'm going to say, "Oh no, I'm fine." I don't know what to say to him anyways. I didn't then and I still don't. Its my fault anyways.

I get myself in these situations and then I say nothing, so I feel like whatever happens after that is my fault because I didn't speak up enough.  He's literally a foot taller than me and has probably 100 lbs on me. So I really don't know what I was supposed to do differently, but I feel like its my fault anyways.