Friday, December 12, 2014


This was months ago but I've been thinking about this one. Jack was a Navy JAG. It occurs to me now that I've been out with a man from every branch of the military (except the Coast Guard, but do they even count? No. No they don't.) I promise it not like a thing of mine. I meet these guys online and the ones I've ended up meeting and dating didn't even have pictures of themselves in uniform. That's not the main selling point. I have my own job and benefits so I'm not trying to get added as a dependant.

Anyways, Jack was in the Navy. He was pretty cute if a little short for my taste. We ended up going on a handful of dates. The nights always ended with us making out like teenagers. He'd have me over for dinner at his place and we'd watch a movie, eat take out and kiss. Or he'd take me to dinner, we'd go for a walk, go back to my place and kiss.

Jack happened to come along before my slut phase. He was also a little paranoid. Because he was active duty and a JAG, he was all worried because I guess there is some rule in the UCMJ that you can get in trouble for having sex with someone else's spouse.  At the time, my divorce wasn't finalized but I had filed and my ex and I hadn't lived together for months.

I wasn't ready to have sex with Jack but he was so worried he'd get in trouble. I tried to talk him down, I didn't even know his last name so how could I report on him? The only people that even knew I was seeing Jack were my mom and one girlfriend, and they only knew because of my paranoia that something would happen to me. That way, if I disappeared, my mom and friend could at least tell the police, "She was seeing some guy named Jack."

Jack wouldn't be convinced though. I wasn't pressuring him to have sex but he decided that if he couldn't have sex with me, he didn't want to date me. I thought this was kind of stupid but if that was his choice, so be it. I don't have time to beg anyone to be with me.

But I wonder now if this is how I got it in my head that if I'm not putting out, no one will stay? I married my high school sweetheart. From the age of 17-27, he was the only person I had sex with. And when I got divorced, I still had all this Catholic bullshit in my head that you shouldn't sleep around because it devalues you, that no one will want you, that you're a bad person.

I've kind of detoxed from that view point now. I have sex if I want to. If two adults decide to have sex, that's their business. And that's what's happened. Quite a bit. I keep making deals with my friends and therapist, no sex until you're committed, no sex for 10 dates, etc. But I never make it. Because I have this twisted belief that no guy will stick around that long. That all I have to offer is sex.

Which isn't correct. I know I'm smart and fun and blah blah blah blah. But I'm in a weird rut. I get all nervous on dates. Even on subsequent dates with the same guy. I'm all quiet and shy and not me. So I get naked.

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