Tuesday, December 2, 2014


So I made a weird choice a few weeks ago. I was talking to a guy on Tinder who was easily google-able. I said something about my internet discoveries. He said it wasn't fair so I gave him the link to this blog. I can't remember if I was half-drunk or just bored or stupid, but I really didn't think this guy and I would meet up because of scheduling madness. We have, but I made a deal not to write about him. So I probably won't and this doesn't count because its not really about him.

Anyway. He read some of this madness and asked if I'd ever shown it to any guys I've ever wanted to hang out with before. I definitely have not. I'd be too self conscious to do so. And I'm not really worried because the only person who checks this on a semi-regular basis is probably Kate. (Hi Kate!)

So the dude said, "You're just very candid in your dislikes and then speaking deeply about one dude that you do like...it definitely makes it seem like you might be challenging to say the least."

Shoot me in the face. I put stuff out there and now I'm being judged on it. Its a totally fair and logical consequence but now I have this thought in my head that the person I portray to the world is a bitch. And I might be. My friend Stephanie gave a very accurate description of me once. She said, "You have a big heart, but you don't want anyone to know it."

So I told Tinder guy, "I'm candid because I'm tired of 'going along to get along.' I got married young and I settled. I spent years of my life thinking that I needed to take the attention from men that I got. And since my divorce, I'm getting better. I'm pretty and I'm smart and I deserve more. I know no one is perfect, I'm extremely flawed. But I'm not willing to settle again."

Which is darn accurate. If you added up all the time I wasted with men who were mean, or not interesting, or rude or disrespectful, or just not right for me, it would be a large portion of my dating-age life. I don't want to spend any more time with anyone I don't enjoy. So Tinder guy responded, "I get it. I said intimidating, not wrong."

I spent sometime worrying about and then thinking his response. Intimidating. That's like the third time in two months I've been told I'm intimidating.  I felt sad about it. I didn't want to be intimidating and potentially scare off a good guy. Not necessarily this Tinder guy, just any guy who would think twice about me because I'm intimidating.

But I found an awesome quote.

I love this so hard. If I put my real honest self out there, who is moody and needy and grouchy and smart alec-y and it scares a guy off? Oh well. Because I'm all those things. But I'm also funny and loving and kind and smart and honest and thoughtful and adventurous and bold and ridiculous and strong.  When I find the right guy, he'll be ok with all of it.

There are so many examples of people not showing their true colors until weeks or months into a relationship. I'm not like that. I'm genuine to a fault. And if you don't like me, its ok, because I like me (or at least I'm working on it). I'd rather have a man know, what kind of person I am up front. I'd want the same from him. And while I'm still guarded about some things and not necessarily an open book, I'm not putting on an act.

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