Wednesday, December 24, 2014


**As a counter to this, I'm also working on things about men that are great. I do like men, but they can be really fucking stupid.**

Dear Men From Various Online Dating Websites,

Here is a non-comprehensive list of reasons I didn't respond to your message:

  • You are shorter than me. Sure, this is shallow. But being taller that someone makes me feel gangly and masculine and unattractive. I have a hard enough time hanging out with a girlfriend of mine who is 5'3. And plus, am I going to have to pick you up to kiss you? Pass.
  • You are more than a year younger than me. I'm in my late 20s. But I would wager that I'm more mature than people my age. I don't know if its because I'm an only child and I'm used to hanging out with adults, because I'm a mom, whatever. Most of my friends are older. Everyone I've dated is older. If you are younger and can demonstrate that you have your shit together, we can talk. 
  • You can't spell. I know it's texting or just the internet. But I won't have "hey u r pretty." I just won't. 
  • You call me honey, sweetie, cutie, baby, hottie. I don't know you, please call me by my name. 
  • You say something unambiguously sexual.  I don't know you. I'm not currently interested in the contents of your pants. 
  • You write "hi." and nothing else. This is boring and not a conversation starter. Ask me anything. "How was your day?" "What's your favorite flavor of ice cream?" Literally anything. Or tell me something interesting. Make an effort and stand out.
  • You can't sell yourself at all. If you say any of these things, I'm so out. Why on earth would I spend time on someone who, given time to think about how they want to present themselves, chooses the most standard, boring, generic sentiments possible. 
    • "I don't like writing about myself." 
    • "I'm a pretty average guy." 
    • "I like to have fun and laugh."
    • "If you want to know anything just ask."
  • If every single picture is a selfie. I get it, really I do. Some best pictures of me are selfies because you can stand there and take the picture over and over again until you get your angle right. But, my concern is that selfies don't always look true to how you look in person. And do you not have any friends that will take a picture of/with you?
  • If all your pictures are group shots. I'm not so invested in this that I'm going to play detective and try and figure out which guy you are. I'm going to assume you're the ugly one and move on. 
  • Your face is obscured in all the pictures. I'm going to assume you're ugly and move on.
  • You aren't in any of the pictures. I'm going to assume you're ugly and move on.
  • Your children are in the picture and their faces are clearly visible. Its not a deal breaker if you have kids. What is a dealbreaker is that you are either using your kids to get girls or don't care about putting your child's face on the internet for any random creeper to see. 
  • If I'm Tindering (yeah its a verb now) on a particularly grouchy day, I'll also swipe left if you have the following:
    • a picture holding a fish you caught. You all have this picture. I do not find it interesting.
    • a picture with a tiger. Do you know how much they drug those tigers and what a miserable life they must have? I hope the tiger mauls you.
    • a shirtless selfie. Douche
    • Pictures with you and some girl and no explanation. If you say, "Oh that's my sister or my friend," cool, I believe you. If you put nothing, I'm going to assume you guys are/were together. And I don't care that you have exes. We all do. I do care that either, 1)You guys broke up a while ago and this picture is old and no longer looks like you. 2) you're actually still together and just looking for your next girlfriend. 3) It's just weird. 

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