Monday, December 15, 2014

Tom. Again.

We had a few good days in a row. I saw something I knew he'd like so I bought it. I was optimistic and thought I'd give it to him for Christmas. I mentioned it to him, but Tom has this annoying habit of not responding for a few hours and then when he does, he acts like my text never happened and just starts talking about the topic of his choice.

Its tricky when he does this because some times there is radio silence because he's busy but sometimes its because he's frustrated with me.

I'm so sick of this shit. I think I just like the idea of him. I like what we had and the future we planned. But I'm never going to stop having a personality so he's never going to stop trying to break me.

I'm never going to be a quiet meek little girl. Even when he'd scare the shit out of me it was never permanent.  I'm never going to be the girl that wants to play 1950s Stepford wife. For one, because I'm a horrible cook and that does not interest me. And for two, because I want more. I love being a mom. I love being in a relationship, when its good. I like having someone to take care of and someone to take care of me. But I have a brain and a job and I'll never stay with someone because I need to. I stay because I want to and because there is good in the relationship. I know I can support myself and my kid, so I don't have to put up with bullshit just to make sure the bills get paid.

I know I'm really lucky. I have my little pity parties once in a while, where I'll be all sad because its hard as hell being a single mom. But I have it better than most.  The kid's dad doesn't give me a dime, but at least he's involved.

But anyways. Tom. After the divorce, I rebounded. Tom was there. He was convenient and he understood. He was the right guy at that time. But I fell into my usual trap of thinking that not only did I need a man, but that he was the only one who would ever want me. Which is stupid. I'm getting better at life on my own. I don't need a man. I'd like to have one, but my self worth is getting better, to the point that I don't have to take being with Tom, who scares me and intimidates me and makes me feel terrible about myself.

So I really want to think I'm done with him. I tried really hard to end things nicely, because I had this stupid idea that he and I could be friends. But we can't. Because he keeps saying awful things trying to rile me up. And he was winning, but I'm done playing this game. And it goes against my nature, but I'm just going to let him have the last word, let him think I'm an awful bitch, let him think that everything is all my fault and he's fucking perfect. Good luck with that, man.

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