Thursday, December 18, 2014

String Theory

In physics, string theory is a theoretical framework in which the point-like particle physics are replaced by one-dimensional objects called strings.


This has nothing to do with actual String Theory because fuck physics with a rusty rake. My own String Theory is that my life is totally fine and on track and I'm happy and great, just don't pull any loose strings. Because I might cry.

I'm a giant liar. My life is all a mess and I'm a mess. I was truckin' along, feeling like I'm sort of on top of my shit. The house is clean, the kid is healthy, the cats are fine, work is busy but good. My mom asked me an innocuous question about Christmas Eve and I burst into tears.


I don't cry. I don't cry at movies, or sad songs, or really even if I get hurt. If the kid is hurt or upset, I'm concerned, I worry for him, I'd move mountains for him. But I probably won't cry.

Every once in a great while, I'll feel like I need to have a good cry, get it out and move along. But its a frustrating feeling because I'm never really sure what I'm upset about and I can't make myself cry and get the damn tears out.

The other day I was driving to go see "He Who Must Not Be Blogged About" or "Steve" as he requested his pseudonym be. Anyway, I'm in the car, there's traffic but whatever, I'm excited to see Steve because he's fun and nice. All the times I've been ready to cry but unable to, tear-constipated if you will, have piled up and I'm on the verge of bawling in my car. Its one of those, where I know if I start crying, I won't stop and then I'll be all puffy and snotty and un-cute when I see Steve.

So I turn on some rap and get gangster as fuck instead. You can't cry while you rap, you just can't.

So I successfully suppressed my feelings and had fun. Later the next day is when my mom asked me something benign and I lost it. In my car. In the parking lot of my gym.  I can't even really put my finger on what's wrong.

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