Friday, December 5, 2014

What am I even doing?

Why am I dating? When I decided to get divorced, I spent a lot of time thinking about being alone. Because I had to weigh the chance that I'll be single for the rest of my life against the thought of staying married for the rest of my life. Spoiler alert: I chose divorce and being single again.

When Kiddo goes to spend the week with the ex, I'm relieved to have a little quiet time, for all of an afternoon and then I miss that Kid so much. I'm keeping busy, I'm developing new hobbies, I'm figuring out what I like, who I am, who I want to be. All that "Eat Pray Love" crap. (Speaking of which, God, what a dog of a book and movie)

But yesterday I had an appointment with my doctor. I hadn't seen her in 14 months and she didn't know about the divorce, my move, etc, etc. She asked a few questions and tears just sprung to my eyes. There's still some hurt just below the surface. I know that he and I weren't a good fit. I know that my Kid is still well loved and cared for by both parents. But I feel guilty and sad. Guilty because I'm the one that pulled the plug and said I can't do this anymore. Sad because no one gets married thinking they'll get divorced. Sad that I had a family and I still do, but now its completely different. 

Its such a weird sensation to be on my own. Of course its fun and freeing. I love that I can decorate my new house any way I want. I don't have to ask permission to spend a crazy amount of money on clothes. No one is going to complain that the dinner menu on a Tuesday consists solely of chocolate gelato.

I spent over 10 years in a relationship with my ex. And we still are in a relationship, but the terms are different. We share the Kid and try to stay out of each other's hair. I've gotten used to my new life and for the most part, in the last 14 months, things have changed for the better and I wouldn't undo it even if I could.

I guess I'm doing all of this because I'm an extrovert. I can't stand to be alone. Which is not the same as saying I can't stand to be single. I can have a quiet weekend at home but by Sunday night I'm almost excited to go back to work just to have co-workers to talk to. I like to be around people. So when the kid is gone, and the friends are with their guys, and there's nothing to distract me on tv, I end up with guys.

Obviously about half the dates don't go well and I go home and tell the whole internet who smells funny or is a bad kisser or can't make conversation, even awkward first date conversation. But I don't feel like I'm dating just for something to do. I have to work hard to keep myself mentally in check and not worry so much about where things are going.

So the current goal is just to find a man that I like to be around, am attracted to (and he's attracted to me), and is kind. I feel like this is not an outrageous request, right?

No comments:

Post a Comment