Tuesday, November 18, 2014

The Navy Seal

I want to preface this by saying I am not a tag-chaser. I've been out with a few military guys but I don't actively seek them out and I don't date someone just because of the uniform. But not gonna front, a man in uniform is a turn on, most of the time, not always

The Navy Seal and I met on Tinder. And OkCupid. We set a date for a Friday night, but then I got cold feet and cancelled saying my friend had been fired and I needed to take her out. This was a total lie, but effective. I would know, I got the idea because that line had been used on me.

Anyway Navy Seal (henceforth Seal) and I rescheduled. I wasn't in a great headspace, having been dumped two days earlier. I had deleted all my dating profiles and was going to make a serious effort to learn to be single. But then Seal texted me. I felt bad for bailing the week before so I set up a pity date.

We met up in a Belltown bar on a Thursday after work. He's tall enough and attractive. A good dresser but has bad skin. Overall, I'm on board.

We start talking and its a little awkward and stilted. But its a first date, I'll give him a break. I'm asking him questions and trying to get a conversation started. He answers the questions about himself but doesn't ask me anything about myself. Just goes quiet after he finishes talking.

Fuck this noise, I'm excellent and I have excellent stories (about things besides dating even!). So I to fill the silence I talk. The whole time I'm talking, he keeps up a constant stream of, "uh huh, yeah, really, oh." I guess to show interest? Its distracting as all hell and is throwing my off my game.

And he keeps touching my hands. We are sitting in a booth across from each other. He does it when he's telling a story and when I'm telling a story. Its a little weird and lingers a little long. I'm not loving it. I'm getting less and less interested in this date and would rather home and watch Scandal at this point. I know Seal has some sort of alumni event at 7:30 so I know there is an end to this purgatory.

He suggests we go down the block to a different bar. Sure what the hell. A girl's gotta eat. So we sit at the bar and order some drinks and a pizza to split. At the bar one of the bartenders is hand carving the ice into large cube that practically fill the highball glasses. I'm so bored of Seal that I chat with the ice carver about his job.

Another bartender comes to take our drink orders. Holy hell is he cute. Bartender and I start joking around and being smartasses. Seal is total out of his depths and cannot make witty banter for shit.

At this point I start planning a way to slip my number to Cute Bartender because Seal and I do NOT have a future. Especially as he keeps touching my hands and back. Eventually he also start just grabbing my hand and holding it. I allow this to happen because...I'm not really sure what to do. I know there are infinite options as to how to deal with the unwanted touching but I do nothing.

My drink is good, the pizza is amazing and Cute Bartender keeps coming over to joke with me. If this annoys Seal, I don't give a fuck. I've never slipped my number to a guy but I keep saying I have no shame and this feels like a "put up or shut up" moment.

Seal, oblivious to all but my hand, keeps looking at me expectantly. I continue making polite conversation. The real tragedy is that Seal is an attractive guy. He has an interesting job, he's lived in other countries, he's clearly smart and would be a great catch. Buuuuut, he's being presumptuous with the hand holding and annoying with the "uh huh, yeah, really, oh." while I talk. Somewhere in life, someone gave him bad advice about how to let a girl know you are into her.

And then he pets my head.

I'm kind of in shock so I do my usual, which is to do nothing. a few minutes later it happens again. I ask, "Is there something in my hair?" "No, it just looked really soft and I wanted to pet it."

I swear to God I'm going to die alone. Who pets a girl's head? And on a FIRST DATE?

Seal excuses himself to use the restroom. I use this opportunity to furiously rummage through my purse to find something to write my number on so I can slip it to Cute Bartender. The bar's napkins are black. Undaunted, I find a white napkin in my purse and write my name and number on it. I'm putting my pen away when the Seal returns.

I tell Seal my parking meter is about to expire (True) and he pays and we leave so he can walk me to my car. As we are leaving there is no opportunity to slip Cute Bartender my number.

Is it pathetic to go back to the bar and see if I see the Cute Bartender?

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