Sunday, November 30, 2014

Jay #3

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy anymore. He's nice. We say we like each other. He's thoughtful and kind and feminist and I really enjoy talking to him. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm a placeholder until he gets where he's going.

I always knew he would moved to California pretty soon after the first of the year. And I was fine. I knew that no matter what feelings either of us developed, we were never going to be "a thing." But part of me is pissed off about it. Frequently in conversation, he'll talk about an ex. How in love they were, inside jokes they had, which girls he thought he was going to marry. And its petty and ugly of me, but it hurts. Because I don't have a real shot with Jay. If he remembers me at all, I'll be this girl he fucked for a few months before he left Seattle. The part that bugs me, is that after he says all these sappy things about exes, he'll talk about how they fucked him over and hurt him when they dumped him. How terrible these women were. How he's doing this whole "live in the moment" thing. And that pisses me off too.

Jay is so smart and would be an excellent counselor, he's certainly given me insight into a lot of shitty things that have happened/are happening to me. But I've never felt like we were on equal footing. I'm sure he has issues because he's talked about them, but he talks about them like they are already solved. Like he's this functioning, healthy person. And I'm a project, a puzzle, and someone to fuck.

Its not fun anymore. I know Jay didn't change the rules. And I know none of this makes sense. And I know I wasn't supposed to like him but I do. I don't want to be the girl who sleeps around and feels nothing. I've been her. I've tried to tell myself its fun, and that's fine if its fun for other people. But eventually, when I clear my head, I find sleeping around hollow and empty. I don't like who I am when I'm like that.

I had a period after my divorce where I bounced from guy to guy and later chronicled some of that here. I told myself and others that I was "slutting around" and reclaiming the word "slut." Repurposing it so that it wasn't an insult. But it was a phase. A phase that I think I've worked through. I should have enough external validation that guys find me attractive. So why am I still doing this?

Of course it feels different with Jay. He's not just a "hit it and quit it" situation. We have dates, we have fun, he really really understands me. But at the end of the day, its kind of just sex. We aren't going to be together. I don't know what purpose this serves. Because if I keep sleeping with him, I'm only going to like him more. And its only going to hurt worse when he leaves. So stopping now is the safer choice right?

Then why does this hurt too? Why does it feel like there are no right choices with Jay?

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