Jay #2

Jay and I have fallen into an easy pattern. We go and have dinner together. We see a movie and share a bag of very buttery and very salty popcorn. We walk a mile and a half back to his apartment from the theater and discuss the movie on our walk. We have amazing sex. Sometimes I spend the night. Everything feels comfortable and natural with him.

He's like a therapist for me as well. We discuss my worries and fears and he puts things into perspective. We talk about his past relationships and his difficulties with his family. I always feel better when I'm with him. Or when I know I'm about to see him. Or after I've just left him.

He tells me I'm a good mom. He tells me I'm smart and pretty and funny. Jay makes me feel light and airy. Like all good things are possible.

But there is a catch. Jay will be moving away. Due to the nature of his career field, its almost required that he moves to California. Jay has several projects in the works and is gearing up to make more progress on them after the first of the year. I know this and I respect it. And I very clearly see that my long term goals and Jay's long term goals are not compatible. We have another month, give or take, before real life pulls us in opposite directions.

We talked about it once. We both know that this relationship has an expiration date, though neither of us know exactly when it will end. So we aren't really "dating," but rather "living in the moment." I try to just enjoy my time with him. I try to soak up his healthy perspective, his positive attitude, his unflagging optimism. I pull Jay in close to me to try to absorb a little bit of him. I know it won't last forever or very much longer, but my life is richer for having Jay in it. I feel special that he repeatedly wants to spend time with me. That he likes me.

I think, barring the unforeseen, we can always be friends. And I hope we are. Jay is a really, really great person. And I don't say this lightly. But I've never known someone like him.

Its getting hard to not have feelings. Of course I like him and he likes me. But its more than that, and I can't let that happen because it isn't fair to either of us. So for now, I take little mental snapshots. I live in this happy moment.