The Threats

I got a call from a weird number at work. I let it go to voicemail. It was my pharmacy telling me I have a prescription ready for pick up. So I checked that voicemail, deleted it, cool. I see that my phone has a folder for "blocked voicemails."  What's that? Apparently even though I blocked Tom, he left me three voicemails.

The first two were about what a disgusting slut I am. How I'm raising my son to be a pussy. How ugly I am, how he must have been high the whole time he was with me because I'm so ugly. How I'm going bald (?). How he has my personal and work emails. How he has my parents' cell numbers and he could call and tell them what a ho I am. How he could contact my ex-husband and tell him how I'm like a merry-go-round, everyone's taken a ride on me.  How gross and loose my vagina is because I let guys run a train on me.

The third message was more of the same but also included threats that Tom has friends in my area, that Tom could come over to my city.

I finished the message and realized I was shaking. I walked down the hall to my work BFF Jessica's office, closed the door and told her what was up. She told me I was sort of at fault because I left Tom voicemails saying that he's bald, etc. She said he probably only sent them in the heat of the moment. But the first message was 7 hours after Tom and I last talked and the other 2 messages were 5 hours after the first.

Not feeling any better after talking to Jessica, I texted my mom. I went back to my office and cried and cried. I hate crying at work. Hate hate hate it. So I went to go hide in the bathroom until I could get it together. The president of the firm found me crying in the bathroom so I explained the situation. She, a former prosecutor, advised me to get an order of protection. My mom had advised the same. I freaked out and was against this idea because Tom is in the military. He would get in trouble at work if I got an order of protection. He would get in trouble and get mad. At me.

I went back to my office and tried to cry as inconspicuously as possible. I called a locksmith to change the locks at my house. I called a home alarm company and set up an appointment for them to install an alarm system. I reached out to my friends, including Jay, for comfort I guess. The general consensus was that I should get an order of protection. I know Tom owns guns. The Vice President of the firm (married to the President, and another former prosecutor) came and offered to walk me across the street to the courthouse, to walk me through the process. He used to work in that building and knew all of the domestic violence advocates.

My brain zoomed in on the words "domestic violence."  I was still having trouble wrapping my head around the idea that emotional abuse is a real thing. A very damaging thing and a thing that Tom had done to me. Domestic violence? Is that really applicable here? No one hit me. Sure, I'm scared, but is it so bad?

Yes, foolish girl. It is that bad. I'm still trying to wrap my head around this. But the more friends I've talked to, the more I read, it was a classic case. Tom always wanted to know where I was and who I was with and what I was doing. He would unlock my phone and look through it, if I left is unattended. He would be, by turns, harsh and accusatory, and then romantic and thoughtful. He wanted to keep me from my friends, my parents, even my son. He wanted to be my whole world, wanted me dependant on him. He would tell me that I "was so messed up its not even funny," and "no man in his right mind would ever stay with me," and that "no one will ever love you like I do."

I hope he's right. I hope no one ever does "love" me like that again. I see it all so clearly now, why none of my friends liked him, why my parents hated him, why he wanted me to have such an "us vs. them" mentality. Everyone else was just jealous of our love, Tom would say. No, everyone could see that you were bad news.

I should have known better. Tom never had a kind word to say about any ex he'd ever had, about his sister or even his own mom. I once asked him to name 3 women he respected, and he asked if they had to be living. He couldn't name 3 living women he respected, he needed the dead ones too. I should have run then.

I feel so stupid that I was fooled by him, that I let myself be a victim. He would tell me he loved me in spite of my flaws. Tom made sure I knew just how unloveable I was, and hope grateful I should be that I had him. I stayed with him for so long because being alone seemed daunting and lonely. I was wrong.

Its been a few days and no new voicemails. I unblocked Tom's number so I'll know if he's trying to contact me in any way. I kept the voicemails and a screenshot a threatening text incase I need them at a later date. For now, I've decided to forego an order of protection. I made copies of his business card and included his home address and personal phone number. I wrote a statement on the page too. I made several copies and hid them. Some at home, some at work. I told trusted friends and my boss, that if I ever don't call, don't show up, to call the police, and where the paper with his information is.

If something happens to me, I know it will be Tom. I feel like I've taken precautions. I don't want to antagonize him with a restraining order. And what good would it do anyway? Its a piece of paper. If he wants to hurt me, he will.