Learning to cope

By the time I asked my then-husband to move out, I'd been numb and withdrawn from our marriage for several months. There was an adjustment period. There were tears. There were lonely nights and doubt, but I bounced back, probably too quickly.

Now with the Tom break up, I feel rusty, like I don't remember how to be alone. I think I had better luck pushing Tom from my mind when we took a "break" several months ago because I filled my time with dates. I ran from one man to the next, not investing in anything and keeping everyone at arm's length. I stayed two steps ahead of my feelings at all times, but now I'm letting it all catch up to me. Its brutal.

Something, or sometimes nothing at all, will remind me of him. The text where he calls me a "busted ass hoe" jumps to the forefront of my mind several times a day. It feels like a stab to the heart. I know it hurts, but it should. I need to just feel the damn feelings so I can process them and move past them.

I take a deep breath and try to let the feeling pass. I'm not necessarily trying to avoid thinking about Tom. I know it will happen. I know I need to give myself time and patience.

I know it will get better with time. I know that as I learn to be alone, I'll be ok. I just hope there is a point to this. A lesson I'll learn, a fun or important detour my life will take. I like things to be concrete and definite, but life doesn't work that way.

I'm feeling ok. I'm pretty busy in the mornings and all day at work. At night I'm doing a good job keeping busy with the gym, chores, and Netflix. I'll be busy most weekends in February so I'm hopeful that by the time I have a free weekend in March, I'll had enough time and perspective that I won't freak out about being alone.

I have moments now and then when I think about trying to apologize or mend things with Tom, but that's not practical or healthy. I did call and schedule an appointment with my therapist because I'm concerned why I'm so hung up on a man who 100% of my friends +moms think is an abusive person. I've been seeing my therapist off and on, as needed, for close to five years. And he's good at calling me on my bullshit so I'm hopeful that will be productive.