Don't look back

Dear Future Natalie,

Next time you are feeling lonely and unloveable,

Despite Tom playing me like a fiddle, despite this text which is the most vicious thing I've ever had directed at me, part of me is wondering, "Well, maybe if I..."


NO.
NO.
THIS IS BEYOND REPAIR. UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES IS ANY SORT OF RELATIONSHIP WITH TOM SALVAGEABLE.

 There is nothing good left here. I'm thinking of the good stuff that is ancient history. Tom is not a good guy. He always was and always will be controlling and ready to throw my mistakes in my face. He will never accept even a fraction of blame for the way the relationship imploded. Everything that every happens to him is some else's fault. Mine, my parents, his ex, his boss, his parents.

He sabotaged me. I deserve to be loved authentically and not manipulated. Tom is a Red Flag personified. He was rude to my parents because they could see right through him. I need to trust my mom more. Why would I willingly go back to a man who is harsh and accusatory every day? Why would I want a relationship with someone who is only kind and sweet when I'm being "good" and "behaving"?

My relationship with my parents and friends is more valuable to me. I don't want to live with someone who would toss recriminations in my face whenever it suited him. I don't want to ride the roller coaster of emotions Tom brings.

The shitty behavior would only escalate, I don't want my kid around someone like that, to grow up with Tom as an example. I don't want to be around someone who will kill my self esteem.

The One will be a man where the relationship has more ups than downs. He will get along with my family and won't manipulate me. Tom is not that guy.

Tom was insecure and resented the break. He felt vulnerable and everything after that point was a passive aggressive payback. Emotionally functional people do not do this. This kind of put downs were not an isolated incident. Even if he had taken me back, I'd always be waiting for the next break up.

If this was happening to any of my friends, I'd tell them they deserve more. If my kid was in a relationship, I'd tell them they deserve more. Why am I willing to put up with him then? Tom emotionally battered me. I feel like he's the best I can do because he made sure I thought that way.

I deserve better than this. I'm going to make a life of my own that I love. I'm going to learn how to love myself and get it through my goddamn stubborn head that being alone is better than being with someone who make me feel bad even half the time.

Tom is possessive, created friction with my parents, strung me along, and scared me when we fought. Stay the hell away from him and anyone like him, you silly, stubborn girl!

Love doesn't hurt like this.