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I stayed in bed all day. Texting with girlfriends. Telling my mom she was right. Again. Watching Gilmore Girls, snuggling with my cats, solving sudoku puzzles and crying intermittently. I didn't eat anything except for a bowl of mint chocolate chip ice cream. I rounded up the last remaining things he had given me and threw them in the trash. I deleted every picture of him from all my Apple products. Blocked him on Facebook. Deleted his number from my phone.

Around 7 I texted my bonus mom and got her up to speed. She offered to come over and take me out for ice cream but I needed to get out of my house. She was watching crime shows (my fav) so I invited myself over. All the way over, I call Tom's phone, repeatedly like a crazy woman. He blocked my number the night before, because he didn't even have the courage to admit his lies or face the fallout. So I left voicemails. 5 I think. Telling him cruel truths. It made me feel so much better. I also left a message on his office phone, because I knew I hadn't blocked my number on that. That voicemail was very nice. I thanked him for the past week and complimented him on being such an honorable man. Sarcasm, duh.

I watched crime shows for 5 hours with my bonus mom. And while we talked about men and Tom and my future a bit, we mostly talked about everything under the sun. It was a much needed distraction. By the time I left her house, I felt so much better. In the car, driving home alone in the dead of night, spite got the better of me and I sent one more text, to his duty phone, which maybe had me blocked, maybe not. "Karma's a bitch. She'll cheat and leave you too." So cathartic.

By the time I got home, I had a mental list going of all the things I was going to do for me. The hurt and anger has subsided. Sure, they'll spring up in the days ahead, but the healing was beginning. I'd survived without Tom for months. I'd been weaning off of him for the last 6 months or so. I'll be ok. I was hurt. I was surprised that he had the capacity for such cruelty, pointless cruelty, but I wouldn't let him win. Tom won't harden my heart. I won't let his vicious words poison my thoughts or actions. I won't let him keep me from finding love one day.

But that's not the mission at hand. Dating holds no appeal for me now. At the start of January, I deactivated all my online profiles. I have no desire to reactivate them. Now is time to find me. What will make me happy and whole.

All the promises I made and immediately cast aside at New Years. Its back on. I'm going to work on my friendships with my girlfriends.  I already have gal-entines plans with at least 3 other girls (watch Parks and Rec if you aren't familiar with the holiday). I'm going to the gym more. I'm going to learn to do my taxes all by myself. I'm going to actually keep track of my spending and make a goddamn budget. I'm going to plan and throw a 3rd birthday party for my amazing kid. I'm going to take the money that I save and all my weeks of vacations and I'm going to travel. Alone.

I might go to New York or Boston or Washington DC. I'm not ready to go international yet, but I'll work up to it.

All day long my mom, my bonus mom, at least 3 friends have all told me that I'll find love when I least expect it. I'm done worrying about it. Trying to make something happen. For the first time, in my whole damn life, I don't have a man around to "keep me in line." I'm going to have adventures and if romantic love finds me, then it finds me. Its not my focus for now.