Patrick #2

Am I the literal worst? Possibly.

The other day, I came home all tipsy and revved up from making out with Patrick. And now...I'm not that into it.

He took me to a fancy work dinner as his plus one. I like getting dressed up. I like eating. I can get with this. It was a little overwhelming because the other 20 or so people there seemed to know each other. When Patrick first asked me to be his date, I was excited because I took it as a good sign. And it probably is. But I got into some sort of funk and by the morning of this dinner, I was dreading it.

I made it through and Patrick was very appreciative that I went with him. He's basically invited me to be his plus one to the 3 weddings he has to attend this year. I'm feeling a little like a trophy girlfriend. Which I've always thought was the role I was born to play, but maybe I'm wrong.

After dinner Patrick drove me to my car and we made out like fiends and IT WAS ON. so he followed my car back to my house and got naked.  And had sex. It was probably my most disappointing sexual encounter to date.

I've been polling my girlfriends and mom. About half tell me to give it a few more dates and see what happens. Maybe I'm just in a funk. Well, I'm definitely in a funk, but maybe its not about Patrick. The other half say bad sex= not worth it. Which is the other thing, sometimes the first time with a new partner is a little awkward. Maybe its that. Maybe with a little coaching, it will be better. Maybe I shouldn't have to talk myself into this relationship that's only a few weeks old.

Maybe I don't feel strongly about him because there's no drama. And this is the part that makes me The Worst. I know he's a good guy. I know he'd treat me well. And its like its not enough of a challenge for me. I know he likes me waaaaayyyyyy more than I like him at this point. Its too easy and he has the stink of desperation all over him.

I don't want another relationship where I'm trying to make it work because I feel like I'm supposed to. Where on paper, and from the outside, the relationship looks good, looks like what every girl would be lucky to have. But I don't want it. Part of me craves the "will he/won't he" aspect of a new relationship. Will he introduce me to his friends as his girlfriend? Does he see a future?

And Patrick is so fucking "all in" that its overwhelming. As I type this, its January 22, 2015. Patrick has already invited me to events that will not take place until May, July, September and October of this year. He told me to renew my passport so we can go to Europe. He's talked about taking our kids to a theme park when they are older, like YEARS older. We've been talking less than a month.
Slow. Your. Damn. Roll.

I want to like Patrick. I want to let him spoil me and treat me like I'm something special. Why is this so weird?