Jay #3

I don't know what I'm doing with this guy anymore. He's nice. We say we like each other. He's thoughtful and kind and feminist and I really enjoy talking to him. But I can't shake the feeling that I'm a placeholder until he gets where he's going.

I always knew he would moved to California pretty soon after the first of the year. And I was fine. I knew that no matter what feelings either of us developed, we were never going to be "a thing." But part of me is pissed off about it. Frequently in conversation, he'll talk about an ex. How in love they were, inside jokes they had, which girls he thought he was going to marry. And its petty and ugly of me, but it hurts. Because I don't have a real shot with Jay. If he remembers me at all, I'll be this girl he fucked for a few months before he left Seattle. The part that bugs me, is that after he says all these sappy things about exes, he'll talk about how they fucked him over and hurt him when they dumped him. How terrible these women were. How he's doing this whole "live in the moment" thing. And that pisses me off too.

Jay is so smart and would be an excellent counselor, he's certainly given me insight into a lot of shitty things that have happened/are happening to me. But I've never felt like we were on equal footing. I'm sure he has issues because he's talked about them, but he talks about them like they are already solved. Like he's this functioning, healthy person. And I'm a project, a puzzle, and someone to fuck.

Its not fun anymore. I know Jay didn't change the rules. And I know none of this makes sense. And I know I wasn't supposed to like him but I do. I don't want to be the girl who sleeps around and feels nothing. I've been her. I've tried to tell myself its fun, and that's fine if its fun for other people. But eventually, when I clear my head, I find sleeping around hollow and empty. I don't like who I am when I'm like that.

I had a period after my divorce where I bounced from guy to guy and later chronicled some of that here. I told myself and others that I was "slutting around" and reclaiming the word "slut." Repurposing it so that it wasn't an insult. But it was a phase. A phase that I think I've worked through. I should have enough external validation that guys find me attractive. So why am I still doing this?

Of course it feels different with Jay. He's not just a "hit it and quit it" situation. We have dates, we have fun, he really really understands me. But at the end of the day, its kind of just sex. We aren't going to be together. I don't know what purpose this serves. Because if I keep sleeping with him, I'm only going to like him more. And its only going to hurt worse when he leaves. So stopping now is the safer choice right?

Then why does this hurt too? Why does it feel like there are no right choices with Jay?

As Destiny's Child Would Say...

"I'm a survivor."

I guess in comparison to children with cancer or military personnel, my struggles are minor. But I've never liked the idea that just because someone has it worse than you, you can't have it pretty tough.

Also, I guess a lot of my problems are of my own making. I chose to get divorced. I choose to continue living far from any blood relatives. I chose to quit law school. I chose to quit a lot of things really. But today especially was a tough one.

I have an obsession with true crime tv. And books. And if I'm ever accused of a crime, my library records of checking out books on decomposition or the ways bone fragments or blood spatter can be used to solve a crime look pretty damning. Add that to my propensity for watching Dateline, Forensic Files, and most of the Investigation Discovery Network (before it got too soapy and less science-y) and I look like a criminal in the making. I promise I'm not. I don't hate anyone enough to do time. And orange really isn't my color.

But back to my point. I stayed up way too late watching a Forensic Files marathon. When I binge on crime TV like this, my anxiety ratites up and I become concerned that an intruder is going to break in. I mean, attack me, whatever, but when Kiddo is with me, my anxious brain knows I can't let him down and I try to formulate solutions to entirely made up crimes that will happen to us. So at about midnight, I'm still fully awake and at a high level of paranoid, and I pop an ambien to get me to sleep.

All is well in the world for 7 hours. Then kiddo wakes me up and we see that it snowed overnight. He was in an especially good mood so we do some laughing and talking and generally being excellent. We go downstairs and I set him up with a sippy cup of milk, some cereal and cartoons. I curl up next to him on the couch and doze on and off until I'm woken up by the sudden lack of noise from the tv. The power is out. Kiddo is immediately pissed as he's in the middle of a show.

Because I can't handle a problem like a normal person, I immediately fear that the power will stay off all day and later in the week, first responders will find the frozen bodies of a toddler, a woman in her late 20s and two cats all piled together. My stomach begins to cramp and I panic because I suck at being an adult in charge.

Oh man am I sick? I think I'm sick. I think I have the flu. I've got that whole body ache going on. We're all going to die in a puddle of frozen vomit.

I get the kid more milk and get him happily distracted playing trucks after assuring him that I can't fix the electricity with his plastic tools. As I take stock of the situation, its not great. No power means no wifi, which means my cell doesn't work because there's no reception at my house. Thanks a lot asshole trees. So I can't call the utility company and I have to hope that someone else is on top of this. I was already running low on milk because I was planning to go today because yesterday was Black Friday and you're fucking crazy if you think I'm getting involved in that shitshow. No electricity means the garage door won't go up which means I need to see if I can manually lift the garage door. I have no flashlights because I'm an idiot. The only thing I have on my side is that the fireplace and stove run on gas so, worst case scenario, we all huddle around that.

it was about 8AM when the power went off and because Kiddo and I are natural homebodies with no plans until later in the day, we were still in pajamas. I get him dressed and get myself dressed. As we are putting on our shoes and I'm bracing myself to lift the goddamn door, the power comes back! Thank you Baby Jesus!

5 minutes later it goes out again. Fuck. Then it comes back on. Kiddo requests to finish his cartoon that was in progress when the incident started and my whole back is one big ouch, so sure, tv sounds great. I get him set up and zoned out in front of the tv and then slink away to take a hot shower and see if the aches are all in my anxiety-overloaded head. They are not. I have chills and the shakes. Goddamn it. I get dressed and get the kid in the car to run out to the grocery store while the power is on and before I get sicker (if that's in my future).

We get through the grocery store without incident. Milk, Oj, 7up, chicken soup. We get all the way home. The closer we get to home, I notice the traffic lights aren't working. I forgot to buy flashlights. My teeth is chattering even though I cranked the heat in the car. The power is out at the house again. Shitshitshitshit.

I drop off the groceries and try to explain to the kid why we have to go back to the store. For the sake of my pride, we go to a different grocery store. Luck is on my side and the kid is going along with all of these shenanigans with no complaints, except taking off his coat at every opportunity. I explain that there is snow on the ground and if he doesn't wear a coat, someone will call CPS on me (I don't really tell him this but I think it). He gives the zeroest of fucks and will not wear the coat in the car or the store but will where it from door to door thank the Lord.

I let him pick the color of the flashlights (red and blue), we grab batteries too. He asks if we can get cookies and I figure, "Why the fuck not? I need every tool I can to bribe good behavior because I do not have the strength to out-stubborn this kid today." Back in the bakery, we find a police man in uniform, which Kiddo thinks is the coolest thing EVER. The policeman gave him a sticker. This is a banner day for the kid. I'm so glad he's having fun because as the full body aches set in, its getting harder to act like we are having a fun adventure.

We get home to find the power is still off. I start drinking orange juice like its going out of style. I sit perfectly still on the couch because its the only semi-comfortable way to be, since I can't crawl into bed and use NyQuil to knock myself out. Fate is still on my side because I'm able to convince the kid to read books to one of the cats and then we sit on the couch and play with the new flashlights.

Is it freezing in this house because I'm sick or because the power's been off so long that we are going to get frostbite? Who made me in charge of another human life? This is terrifying.

The power flickers off and on and then stays on. And on and on. Thank you thank you thank you.
I make it through the rest of the day chugging OJ and cold medicine. I even did a load of laundry. I'm officially calling this day a success. Sure, the kid watched more tv today than I would like, but we all lived.

So back to the survivor part. I spend a lot of my life an anxious mess. I'm the human equivalent of a shaking chihuahua.  But today when all kinds of stuff went wrong, and I couldn't call for back up, I made it through. Not only did I make it, but the kid thought it was a fun day with mom, flashlights, policemen, cartoons and cookies.

I write about crazy dates or interactions with men 90% of the time, but technically the blog is called Single Seattle Girl Problems. I have a problem with doubting myself and my strength. So this is long and ramble-y, but its not really for you. Its for me. I'm stronger than I think and today was just one example.

But I'm on the couch watching another Forensic Files marathon so maybe I didn't learn anything after all.

William #2

William and I had lunch today. I was a little late which always throws me off my game. I apologized profusely and I was only about 10 minutes late and I text him to let him know. But I hate to be late and I hate when other people are late.

We had Mexican food for lunch. It was good and we chatted comfortably throughout the meal. After lunch he walked me to my car and then we decided to go for a walk. A really long walk with more talking. Then we stopped and had milk and bacon maple bars.

We parted ways with a hug and extremely chaste kiss (boo). I had a birthday party to attend. But it was lame so we met up later that night at a bar in Bothell because it was my turn to drive to his area. We sat in a booth and talked football foreverrrrrr. I like football, probably a bit more than the average girl but I was kind of over it. He got the first round of drinks, I got the second. We shared a plate of nachos. Is this a boring story? Cause it was a boring night.

William is so nice. I think he likes me. I feel a little awkward. He's nice but something throws me off. I'm not sure there is any chemistry there.

He walked me to my car and again left with a hug and a peck on the lips.

Dude, we full on made out on our first date. And now I get these sad pecks? Why?

I consulted with my chicks. William keeps asking me out and staying in contact. He seems to like me. Our best guess is that he's taking it slow because he likes me? The chicks say he's being respectful and trying to show that he's not just trying to get into bed. Or maybe he's not sure how he feels.

I'm kind of bored. Maybe I'm a slut, more likely its just that I'm a physical person. But if you like me, but aren't trying to hold my hand and don't seem to want to kiss me, why are we wasting each other's time?

Carter

Carter and I meet on OKC. We message back and forth for a few solid weeks. He seems smart and funny and I enjoye our back and forth. On some evenings while we message, he'd say something a bit off, a bit…manic isn't quite the right word. But just a little odd. But nothing troubling and nothing that precludes us meeting.

We meet on a Friday. I'm 3 minutes late, if that, and I arrive to find Carter at the bar half way through a 22 oz beer. I order a cider and we talk. And talk and talk and talk. He seems a little nervous but he's funny and I'm enjoying myself.

We order a second round and keep talking. He's an interesting guy who's lived an interesting life so far. He's candid and honest. Carter really seems like a good guy. He closes out our tab and we walk two blocks over to a different bar.

The second bar is a a lot divey-er (which is never a problem in my opinion). Carter goes to the bar and returns with a cider for me (thanks!) and a pitcher of beer and a glass for himself. At this point its necessary to mention that I don't drink beer, unless its my only option. So I've seen a bunch of guys share a pitcher, but I can't recall seeing a guy put away a pitcher by himself.

Carter and I keep chatting and he's kind of adorable. He has a sister he's protective of, he has a niece he dotes on, he's close with his parents. Just sounds like a solidly nice guy. He's worked with troubled kids, he's saying all the right things about my Kid, like he knows he wouldn't be a replacement but that he would hope to be a positive role model, etc. Carter is great. This is fun! This is what makes the terrible dates worth it. He gets up to go to the restroom and kisses me on the cheek. I feel like I'm glowing. He's amazing and he's into me! He says something a little weird about how he's dating a woman in her 20s with a kid (me) and I try to back him up and say that maybe he is, we just met tonight. Slow your roll Carter. He also mentioned that he had to confess to his parents driving his previous company's van while drunk. Troubling but I'll let this ride for now.

We cash out of the second bar but decide we are having too much fun, its a Friday night, let's keep this rolling. We go to my usual spot which cracks me up because the bartender is this girl Lindsay. She's awesome and we've done a karaoke rap duet, but basically every time I go to this bar, I'm with a different dude. I can't decide if this makes me a slut or a pimp, but I'm choosing pimp.

As I'm flipping through the binder to choose a song for karaoke, Carter appears at the table with another cider for me, and another pitcher for himself. Huh...ok... Carter and I pick out songs and do a few rounds of karaoke. And then spend time talking and kissing while other people sing. We are having fun and other girls keep coming up to me while Carter is singing, saying how cute we are together.

One drunk girl tells me she likes my sweater so much that she "wants to punch me out and then take the sweater." To be fair, its a pretty dope sweater. But I placate the drunk girl and tell her lets just be friends and she can borrow the sweater. This diffuses the drunk girl. I feel like I could be a hostage negotiator.

Carter is still acting super cute and I'm having fun but I hear him murmur under his breath, something that sounds suspiciously like, "I love you," Whoa whoa whoa. Let's not be insane here. I ask him, "What did you just say?"

"Oh nothing, nothing."

"Ok, because you remember this is still a first date right?"

"You're just so genuine and fun. As soon as I saw you, I knew there was something different about you. I really like you a lot. You're such nice person and you're such a good mom"

I know this is supposed to be nice. I know this is what a lot of girls want to hear. But I'm always irritated when someone I don't know tells me about myself. I am smart and genuine. I'm not that nice (I am honest though!). And I'm a good mom, but this guy can't possibly know that about me after spending a few hours drinking together.

I cash out of the last bar and drive his drunk ass home. When we get in front of his building, Carter is trying to tell me something nice and sweet and that he thinks is romantic, but he's hiccuping non stop and is basically unintelligible.

The next morning I poll my chicks. I text Aly and Jessica and tell them that Carter was too nice (I leave out the part about the drinking for now). I'm worried I'm some jaded hardass. Is too nice a thing?  Yeah, its a thing. Aly and Jessica are pretty similar to me personality-wise, in that none of us will put up with bullshit. Aly confirms that too nice is totally a thing. Jessica advises that this guy is going to be clingy. Then I add my mom to the mix and tell them that this guy drank 2 pitchers of beer himself. Done. My Triumvirate of Women (tm)(not really)(but that would be awesome) agree homeboy has a problem.

Carter texts me to say he had a fun night and apologizes for drinking more than he planned. He wants to hang out again, with less alcohol next time. I respond that, yeah, if we hang out again, way less alcohol and tell him I'm concerned that he put away so much beer. Carter apologizes and says he hopes he didn't embarrass me.

First of all, I don't embarrass easily. Second of all, you should be embarrassed. Why would I be?
I tell him this and add that I'm worried he has a problem. The performance I saw, combined with his admission that he'd driven drunk in a company car. Yikes.

"I mean, I should be transparent with you about it. I owe you that. I have struggled with drinking for awhile now. I can't lie about that. As far as the company vehicle thing goes, I was in a really bad and abusive company and I let a lot of things get control of me and I'm really ashamed that I let it happen."

At this point, I guess I appreciate his honesty? I don't even know how to deal with this. And the part about the company car should like excuses. We've all had shitty jobs, but I don't think most of us drive drunk as a result. At least, I hope not. This sucks. I liked this guy. I guess there were little red flags all through the night but he was being so nice to me and saying all the right things so I didn't want to see it. But this is stuff I can't ignore. I can't sink more time into this guy and let him drag me down. And I also don't want to try and help him through recovery because I barely know him and I don't even know if he's ready to knock off this shit and be real with himself.

In the end, I wish him well and tell him he needs to deal with his problem, but I can't invite chaos into my life.

Goodbye Richard

Remember Richard? Oh Richard. We moved too fast but we had fun. We saw each other once a week for a few months. No one talked about this being serious but we did have a discussion that we were only sleeping with each other. I was trying my best to be a "cool girl."

For my birthday in mid August, he took me out for dinner, and go karts and laser tag and ice skating and then a movie at my house. Extra super busy, but fun.

Then just before Labor Day weekend, I needed to cancel our plans. Something came up. Richard was totally fine about it. But he said something that seemed off. I straight up asked, "Do you not want to hang out anymore?" He told me, no that's not it at all. And acted like I was crazy. I apologized and joked about being paranoid.

Then two days later Richard changed his relationship status on Facebook. To "In a Relationship." With some other girl.

What?

Seriously, what the hell? I just gave him an out. I asked if he didn't want to hang out anymore and he was too cowardly to even be honest. And this was all over text! I get that some cowards can't deal with breaking up with someone to their face, but he didn't even have to face me.

I was too stunned and bemused to be sad or mad at first. I was irritated. I was confused. But I didn't feel any great loss. We really did have meaningless sex. I guess I'd never experienced that phenomenon before. I felt used. I felt like an idiot.

I'm frustrated with the way things ended, but I knew he wasn't someone I'd want to spend much more time with. Hell, he lent me a book and I practically speed read it so I'd be done by the next time we hung out. I wanted to be able to give him the book back ASAP. I didn't want anything, even a damn paperback book, to tether us. Richard was a liar and a coward. I didn't see a future with him and I didn't want one with him anyways. I'm moving forward.

Jason

I'm going to call this guy Jason because that is a bland and boring name and this was a bland and boring guy. Jason and I met on OKCupid and Tinder. He worked just blocks away from me so we met up for a lunch date.

We met up for sandwiches. He was tall and handsome and I could totally see this working. He had a slight Boston accent but he was mostly quiet and I had to carry the conversation. After lunch we went our separate ways and Jason said if I was bored during the upcoming weekend, I should let him know.

I bring this to my girlfriends and we discuss and analyze. What the fuck? If I'm bored, call? Do you want a second date or what?

So I set up a date(?) for Saturday. I met him at his place and we went to a pizza place around the corner and had wine. We split the bill. Ugh.

We went back to his place and took his dog on a quick walk. Then we went back to his place and watched TV. Ninja Warrior I think. Its becoming pretty clear that this is not a date. Or at least not by my definition.

Finally finally finally he makes his move and kisses me. He's a good, fun kisser. He asks if we could/should move to his bedroom. Technically this is our second date(?) so sure. We go to his room and are naked pretty quickly. He lights candles. Puzzling. We have sex. Twice. It was...not great. Like, he got his and was like, "Ok we can stop now." Oh really, cause I didn't get anything out of that so...

He walked me to my car and told me good night. At least he's polite. We continue texting for the next two weeks, mostly talking trash about sports teams. I ask if we are ever meeting up again. So we agree to meet for lunch that week.

We go to a salad bar and pay for our own lunches. He asks thoughtful questions that show he was paying attention when I talked. His accent is still adorable. I offer to show him a hidden bookstore that he'd heard of but couldn't find. Its a fine lunch but doesn't really feel like a date. I bought my own lunch, he doesn't try to hold my hand. Its just stilted. As he walks me to my building, he tells me again that if I find myself without plans that weekend, to call him.

I go back to my desk and discuss this with the girls. Is he not interested? What fuckery is this "call if you're bored" business?  Exhausted with over analyzing it all, I text Jason and find a nice way ask, "what the fuck?"  Jason responds that he just got out of a relationship A YEAR AGO and isn't really looking for anything serious. I decide that his milquetoast demeanor, bad sex, and mixed signals don't outweigh how cute he and his accent are. Next.

Jay #2

Jay and I have fallen into an easy pattern. We go and have dinner together. We see a movie and share a bag of very buttery and very salty popcorn. We walk a mile and a half back to his apartment from the theater and discuss the movie on our walk. We have amazing sex. Sometimes I spend the night. Everything feels comfortable and natural with him.

He's like a therapist for me as well. We discuss my worries and fears and he puts things into perspective. We talk about his past relationships and his difficulties with his family. I always feel better when I'm with him. Or when I know I'm about to see him. Or after I've just left him.

He tells me I'm a good mom. He tells me I'm smart and pretty and funny. Jay makes me feel light and airy. Like all good things are possible.

But there is a catch. Jay will be moving away. Due to the nature of his career field, its almost required that he moves to California. Jay has several projects in the works and is gearing up to make more progress on them after the first of the year. I know this and I respect it. And I very clearly see that my long term goals and Jay's long term goals are not compatible. We have another month, give or take, before real life pulls us in opposite directions.

We talked about it once. We both know that this relationship has an expiration date, though neither of us know exactly when it will end. So we aren't really "dating," but rather "living in the moment." I try to just enjoy my time with him. I try to soak up his healthy perspective, his positive attitude, his unflagging optimism. I pull Jay in close to me to try to absorb a little bit of him. I know it won't last forever or very much longer, but my life is richer for having Jay in it. I feel special that he repeatedly wants to spend time with me. That he likes me.

I think, barring the unforeseen, we can always be friends. And I hope we are. Jay is a really, really great person. And I don't say this lightly. But I've never known someone like him.

Its getting hard to not have feelings. Of course I like him and he likes me. But its more than that, and I can't let that happen because it isn't fair to either of us. So for now, I take little mental snapshots. I live in this happy moment.