Monday, September 29, 2014

Richard (or The Time I was "That" Girl)

Richard (fake name) was in my high school class and we reconnected on Tinder of all places. We set up a date. I let him pick me up at my house because I "knew" him from high school. We had English together sophomore year and I hadn't seen him since. But we had mutual friends from school and due to the nature of his job, I knew he had passed a background check, so I relaxed my serial-killer-radar™.

So we went to a bar, had two drinks.
Went to another bar, had two drinks.
Went to a third bar, had two drinks.
(Notice, no food is mentioned. Bad call on my part.)

At this point I feel it necessary to mention that Richard was a good 8 inches taller and at least 50lbs heavier than me and is handling his drinks much better.

We return to my house and put a large steak in the oven. I give him a tour of the house, very unsteady on my feet.

Let's call a spade a spade: I was shitfaced drunk. I never blackout. I remember the important details of the evening. I'm not proud of myself, but that's why this is anonymous-ish.

 At some point in the tour, Richard must have sensed that I was extremely drunk because he excused himself to go downstairs and check on the steak. Immediately after he left the room, I threw up in a sink. I'm so fucking classy guys. Also, this was on a Monday night. Oops.

My stomach a little less full of alcohol, Richard and I sit down to eat a freaking delicious steak. After dinner, we move to the couch and start making out. Clothes come off and eventually we are both completely naked. The small portion of my brain is saying "Really? This is a first date. Get your shit together." But the rest of my brain said, "Screw it, you want it, he wants it. Go for it."

So we had sex. This was my first time having sex on the first date. But you know what, who cares? I didn't burst into flames! I didn't develop a crazy attachment to him! It was sex. Sex is normal and healthy and we were consenting adults. And he called the next day and we went out several more times, which is a story for another day because I'm still mildly in shock about how it all ended. And for that story, I feel like "Dick" will be a more apt fake name for him, but I'll save that for another day.


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