Saturday, September 27, 2014

Why I'm Like This

I've never thought I was beautiful, or even pretty. Maybe cute on a good day.

Some days I sincerely wonder if anyone grows up well adjusted. My parents were pretty great. I lived a very lucky life and had most anything I wanted, within reason. I started and stopped several expensive extracurriculars throughout my childhood and had been to Europe twice before I was 17. I get that I'm very fortunate, some would say spoiled.

So I understand that I'll sound like a "poor little rich girl" when I say, no one ever told me I was pretty. I was always, always praised for my intelligence. By my parents, aunts, uncles, all relatives, my friends, my parents' friends.

So I knew I was smart from an early age. But in middle school boys didn't, or I thought they didn't, like smart. I went to a small private school so my options for boys were limited. In high school, I fell into a nerdy crowd and seemed assured that I would be a virgin until I was 35. (spoiler alert: that's not how it played out)

But then my family moved to Seattle for my Dad's job. At the time I was annoyed, because that's the default mode for all teenagers, but looking back, the move changed the course of my life, for the better I think. I was able to jump several rungs on the social ladder and had my first boyfriend within six months.

However, because I thought I wasn't pretty, because it took me 15 years to get that first boyfriend, because I honestly believed no other guy would ever look my way, I held on to that relationship for waaaayyyyy too long.

And that was my M.O. ever since. To be clear, I wouldn't describe myself as clingy, and I don't get dumped. I just put up with a LOT of bullshit. Because every time I manage to get a man's attention, I'm desperate to keep it. I've been abused. I've been lied to, repeatedly. I've made ridiculous sacrifices for men. But no more.

Part of the purpose of this blog is to spread the word about how ridiculous dating is. Part of the purpose is to figure out what I want. I won't settle again. I may not think I'm beautiful, but I do think I'm cute, pretty even. I get approached in bars sometimes. I get messaged online quite a bit. I have a lot of Tinder matches, which is superficial and stupid, but validating. I go on a lot of dates, but I've recognized that I spend the date trying to make sure the man likes me. But do I like them? That's what I plan to focus on. Do I like them? Is he right for me? Is he someone I want to spend me free time with? Is he someone I would introduce to my parents or son one day?

Its hard for me to change my way of thinking, but I'm going to give it an honest shot. Wish me luck!


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