Tuesday, September 23, 2014

David #1

This is not chronological by any means. I figured I'd start with a weird one to lure you in.

In early summer I met a guy on Tinder. He was hot as hell in his profile pics without a beard. But I figured, eh, beards come and beards go, whatever. We start chatting and set a time to meet up. Due to my schedule, it's going to be a brunch time date. I also didn't want a dinner date with David (totes not his real name) because we had a spark and I knew if we had dinner we'd end up in bed and I'm trying to be less slutty.

So David picks me up at my house and brings me flowers. Aww, such a gentleman!

That lasted all of a second because we were making out within 5 minutes of his arrival. As a recovering slut, I decided we needed to move this date to a public location so our clothes would stay on. We get in his truck and discover we had made no plans. I'm not impressed. If you ask me out, I expect two things: 1. You will have at least a general idea of what we will do.
2. You will pick up the tab.

We start driving and he heads towards a casino. Because, sure, why not. On the way there he teaches me the words to a "Hell-billy" song. (its a thing, look it up) requests that I sing the chorus as loudly as possible and take shots of Fireball. I go along with this because I'm not one to turn down a challenge.

We arrive at the casino and park. Commence some under the shirt action. We eventually wander around the casino, drink more drinks, eat at the buffet. Not impressed but at least he paid, eventually, At first, he snuck into the buffet, just to see what would happen he said.

We go to Walmart. So romantic! he buys several cheesy American flag shirts and a can of Mike's Hard Lemonade for me.

He offers to drive me past my old house and help me "re-acquire" my BBQ. I see my ex's car in the driveway so we cancel that plan and he takes me home because I had plans with  a girlfriend in the evening.

Of course this means we start making out on my couch again. And he asks to take his shirt off. Sure. And asks to take my shirt off. Sure. Then he starts going for the pants. I freeze. Redress myself and ask him to leave. And he does.

It was the most bizarre first date and now retelling it, it makes no sense why I went along with all of this. But I did and it was an adventure, and not the last adventure with David.


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