Did you know? Besides being #BasicAsFuck those tigers that all the bros pose with in their Tinder pictures are all drugged up. So part of my Tinder profile says, "I hope that tiger mauls you."
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Tuesday, October 14, 2014
Sydney
Sydney and I met on OKCupid. Sid was a big hockey fan, as am I, but we root for rival teams. We had some witty back and forth. We both had very busy schedules (me because I'm a mom, him because he plays on more intramural teams than an overeager college freshman).We set a time to meet for drinks with the caveat that he has another party to be at at 9pm.
This is already a little irritating because it puts a time limit on our date and makes me feel like I'm going to be sandwiched into his schedule. Way to make a girl feel special. I understand it was a first date and he doesn't have to make me feel special, but its not exactly flattering for a date to basically tell you that they can squeeze you in between 6-8. I'm a classy ass bitch, not an appointment to get your teeth cleaned.
I get to the bar first and listen to a drunk girl and her boyfriend argue about what kind of puppy to get. I think they settled on pug. Mazel Tov.
Sid arrives in a raggedy NHL shirt and a fraying baseball cap. He's a little chubbier and balder and shorter than my preference, but I'm trying not to be so judgey. We start to talk about hockey, he talks about his very large family, he talks about his job, he talks about the trip he is taking next week, he talks about the party he is going to after our date. He talks and talks and talks.
I play along with this because I like to hear about other people and because people like to talk about themselves and they like people who let them talk about themselves. We had two or three drinks and then he realizes he is late to his party. He does pick up the tab (+1!) and asks me to drive him around the corner to his house.
I drop Sid off in his driveway and we make out because I like kissing and he likes me. He continues to text me throughout the night while at the party, getting progressively more drunk. He asks what I'm doing the next day and I list a few activities, including a first date with someone else. (a story for another day). He insists I should cancel the date. Sid says we have a connection and that I should not go out with anyone else. This pisses me right the hell off because 1) we went on one date and I don't owe him shit and 2) I never like being told what to do. I tell him I'm going on the other date tomorrow, end of discussion.
The next morning, more sober, Sid apologizes for being so bossy. He further explains he is just worried that I will like this other guy more. I tell him I can't make any promises. Sid says that he really feels a connection between us and throughout the whole date had a feel in he described as "Why did it take so long to meet you?" While this should be adorable, I'm put off because he only likes me because he knows nothing about me.
Our busy schedules keep us from meeting up again but we text often. One day my buddy Steph was meeting me after work for dinner at my house. She has the access code for my garage and for some reason this came up in discussion with Sid. Sid's response is to say "I'm glad you are having a friend over. I worry about you living on your own." WHAT THE FUCK? I'm a grown ass woman you barely know. It offends me that anyone would think I'm not capable of living by myself.
I ignore this comment and Sid for the better part of a day. I relate this story to my mom who deems this "sweet that he worries about you." Have I overreacted? I resume texting Sid and ignore the "living on your own" comment.
Sid goes out of town for a week and our contact is sporadic. I don't care because I'm barely invested in this guy. Then one fine morning, I wake up to a text from Sid, "I'm so sorry but I realized I'm in love with one of my friends that I've known forever. We can still be hockey watching friends if you want."
Pass.
This is already a little irritating because it puts a time limit on our date and makes me feel like I'm going to be sandwiched into his schedule. Way to make a girl feel special. I understand it was a first date and he doesn't have to make me feel special, but its not exactly flattering for a date to basically tell you that they can squeeze you in between 6-8. I'm a classy ass bitch, not an appointment to get your teeth cleaned.
I get to the bar first and listen to a drunk girl and her boyfriend argue about what kind of puppy to get. I think they settled on pug. Mazel Tov.
Sid arrives in a raggedy NHL shirt and a fraying baseball cap. He's a little chubbier and balder and shorter than my preference, but I'm trying not to be so judgey. We start to talk about hockey, he talks about his very large family, he talks about his job, he talks about the trip he is taking next week, he talks about the party he is going to after our date. He talks and talks and talks.
I play along with this because I like to hear about other people and because people like to talk about themselves and they like people who let them talk about themselves. We had two or three drinks and then he realizes he is late to his party. He does pick up the tab (+1!) and asks me to drive him around the corner to his house.
I drop Sid off in his driveway and we make out because I like kissing and he likes me. He continues to text me throughout the night while at the party, getting progressively more drunk. He asks what I'm doing the next day and I list a few activities, including a first date with someone else. (a story for another day). He insists I should cancel the date. Sid says we have a connection and that I should not go out with anyone else. This pisses me right the hell off because 1) we went on one date and I don't owe him shit and 2) I never like being told what to do. I tell him I'm going on the other date tomorrow, end of discussion.
The next morning, more sober, Sid apologizes for being so bossy. He further explains he is just worried that I will like this other guy more. I tell him I can't make any promises. Sid says that he really feels a connection between us and throughout the whole date had a feel in he described as "Why did it take so long to meet you?" While this should be adorable, I'm put off because he only likes me because he knows nothing about me.
Our busy schedules keep us from meeting up again but we text often. One day my buddy Steph was meeting me after work for dinner at my house. She has the access code for my garage and for some reason this came up in discussion with Sid. Sid's response is to say "I'm glad you are having a friend over. I worry about you living on your own." WHAT THE FUCK? I'm a grown ass woman you barely know. It offends me that anyone would think I'm not capable of living by myself.
I ignore this comment and Sid for the better part of a day. I relate this story to my mom who deems this "sweet that he worries about you." Have I overreacted? I resume texting Sid and ignore the "living on your own" comment.
Sid goes out of town for a week and our contact is sporadic. I don't care because I'm barely invested in this guy. Then one fine morning, I wake up to a text from Sid, "I'm so sorry but I realized I'm in love with one of my friends that I've known forever. We can still be hockey watching friends if you want."
Pass.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
The Wounded Ego
I mean, I like sex, but I personally find that its more fun if I care about the guy and he cares about me.
Tuesday, October 7, 2014
David #2
So remember David? Right. For some reason (*cough* low self esteem *cough*), I agreed to go out with David again.
This time I drove over to his neck of the woods. At this point, its relevant to mention that although David has approximately seven jobs, he did not have a permanent place of residence. He lived on the second floor of his friend's business. The first floor of the building was a very industrial space with saw dust and metal shavings everywhere and large pieces of machinery that I have no idea as to their function or name.
David showed me around and he let me use the huge machines on scrap wood and metal. Another unconventional date, but interesting at least.
Side note, weird, uncomfortable, scary, awkward and unconventional are all preferable to me than boredom. I cannot stand a boring date.
So David continues the tour and shows me a space at the back of the building. The building is very old and this particular room, as he shows me, is entirely insulated by horsehair. Its completely sound proof. Because I am a paranoid person, I immediately begin plotting an escape. I am not going to be murdered in the soundproof room in an industrial neighborhood at 7 on a Tuesday. I won't allow it. never mind that David is 8 inches taller and at least 100 lbs heavier.
I plan a doomed escape for about 5 minutes. David is a perfectly nice guy. He likes me a whole lot and during the tour, stops every five minutes or so to make out with me. He is definitely in the top 5 of all time best kissers. But I can't shake the uneasy feeling. Frankly, he scares me. I have no reason for it, its just an instinct, which for the time being, I ignore.
David drives my car to a nearby Taco Truck. He forgot or "forgot" his wallet so I buy the tacos and horchata. David is not shy and not boring. He's tall and handsome and strong. But something feels off.
We go back to the industrial business' building and go upstairs to the area where David is staying. Its a large sectional couch with a TV. Its basically the very casual break room for the office workers at this company. I have serious concerns that David is homeless or a squatter. Inexplicably I stay because I don't want to be rude and know that if I didn't want me to leave, he could easily physically prevent me from leaving.
David turns on the TV and puts on the Discovery channel if I recall correctly. We start making out and are naked rather quickly. I feel bad for kicking him out of my house so quickly last time so I let him go down on me. I'm way too stressed for an orgasm to be possible so I return the favor to completion. He gives me a backrub and comments on how tense I seem. When I feel like I've stayed long enough to be a good guest (wtf is wrong with me?) I say my goodbyes and leave.
And I still didn't learn my lesson. I know, I know, shake your head at me but there is a David #3 entry in our future. Not long after the "date" described above David left to work in another state for the summer. We kept in contact throughout and I was eagerly awaiting his return. I guess because he liked me. Even though I had serious reservations about him.
Guys, I'm kind of a disaster and this blog could go on for quite a while because I sure know how to pick em!
This time I drove over to his neck of the woods. At this point, its relevant to mention that although David has approximately seven jobs, he did not have a permanent place of residence. He lived on the second floor of his friend's business. The first floor of the building was a very industrial space with saw dust and metal shavings everywhere and large pieces of machinery that I have no idea as to their function or name.
David showed me around and he let me use the huge machines on scrap wood and metal. Another unconventional date, but interesting at least.
Side note, weird, uncomfortable, scary, awkward and unconventional are all preferable to me than boredom. I cannot stand a boring date.
So David continues the tour and shows me a space at the back of the building. The building is very old and this particular room, as he shows me, is entirely insulated by horsehair. Its completely sound proof. Because I am a paranoid person, I immediately begin plotting an escape. I am not going to be murdered in the soundproof room in an industrial neighborhood at 7 on a Tuesday. I won't allow it. never mind that David is 8 inches taller and at least 100 lbs heavier.
I plan a doomed escape for about 5 minutes. David is a perfectly nice guy. He likes me a whole lot and during the tour, stops every five minutes or so to make out with me. He is definitely in the top 5 of all time best kissers. But I can't shake the uneasy feeling. Frankly, he scares me. I have no reason for it, its just an instinct, which for the time being, I ignore.
David drives my car to a nearby Taco Truck. He forgot or "forgot" his wallet so I buy the tacos and horchata. David is not shy and not boring. He's tall and handsome and strong. But something feels off.
We go back to the industrial business' building and go upstairs to the area where David is staying. Its a large sectional couch with a TV. Its basically the very casual break room for the office workers at this company. I have serious concerns that David is homeless or a squatter. Inexplicably I stay because I don't want to be rude and know that if I didn't want me to leave, he could easily physically prevent me from leaving.
David turns on the TV and puts on the Discovery channel if I recall correctly. We start making out and are naked rather quickly. I feel bad for kicking him out of my house so quickly last time so I let him go down on me. I'm way too stressed for an orgasm to be possible so I return the favor to completion. He gives me a backrub and comments on how tense I seem. When I feel like I've stayed long enough to be a good guest (wtf is wrong with me?) I say my goodbyes and leave.
And I still didn't learn my lesson. I know, I know, shake your head at me but there is a David #3 entry in our future. Not long after the "date" described above David left to work in another state for the summer. We kept in contact throughout and I was eagerly awaiting his return. I guess because he liked me. Even though I had serious reservations about him.
Guys, I'm kind of a disaster and this blog could go on for quite a while because I sure know how to pick em!
Friday, October 3, 2014
Eric's Return
So I wrote about Eric before, click here to get up to speed and then join us here.
Back? Excellent, it's so good to see you again! I love what you've done with your hair.
So after I kicked Eric out of my house for being a lying liar who lies out of his lie-hole, he texted me for a few days, trying to see if I would go out with him again. #nothanks
Eventually the texts stopped coming and that was more than fine with me.
A few months later, I was at the court mandated parenting class. In my county, when you file for divorce and have a child(ten) you have to take a day long class about how to not let your divorce mess up your kid. I explain this because I don't want you to think I'm a deadbeat. I'm not. I'm a pretty good mom, which I think is the best anyone can say about themselves without looking like a conceited beeyotch. But your mileage may vary.
So anyways, I'm at this class early on a Saturday, kicking myself for not bringing a beverage. A woman sits down next to me. And next to her is Eric. They are a couple. Interesting. I guess he did file for divorce eventually.
He looks over and sees me and gets the most obvious "OH SHIT" look on his face. I just smile sweetly.
This class has a break in the middle so you can eat or walk around or in one woman's case shoot up heroin in the bathroom and then get arrested. But I digress, Eric's new lady strikes up a conversation with me. I subtly deduce that they started dating shortly after I opted not to waste more time on that liar. Poor new girl is already all wrapped up in Eric's life and his daughters sound very attached to her. It all sounds like this guy is rebounding hard and I would know because whoo boy! I did that too.
Glad I dodged that bullet.
Natalie
Back? Excellent, it's so good to see you again! I love what you've done with your hair.
So after I kicked Eric out of my house for being a lying liar who lies out of his lie-hole, he texted me for a few days, trying to see if I would go out with him again. #nothanks
Eventually the texts stopped coming and that was more than fine with me.
A few months later, I was at the court mandated parenting class. In my county, when you file for divorce and have a child(ten) you have to take a day long class about how to not let your divorce mess up your kid. I explain this because I don't want you to think I'm a deadbeat. I'm not. I'm a pretty good mom, which I think is the best anyone can say about themselves without looking like a conceited beeyotch. But your mileage may vary.
So anyways, I'm at this class early on a Saturday, kicking myself for not bringing a beverage. A woman sits down next to me. And next to her is Eric. They are a couple. Interesting. I guess he did file for divorce eventually.
He looks over and sees me and gets the most obvious "OH SHIT" look on his face. I just smile sweetly.
This class has a break in the middle so you can eat or walk around or in one woman's case shoot up heroin in the bathroom and then get arrested. But I digress, Eric's new lady strikes up a conversation with me. I subtly deduce that they started dating shortly after I opted not to waste more time on that liar. Poor new girl is already all wrapped up in Eric's life and his daughters sound very attached to her. It all sounds like this guy is rebounding hard and I would know because whoo boy! I did that too.
Glad I dodged that bullet.
Natalie
Thursday, October 2, 2014
Are You Fucking Kidding Me?
Maybe I'll just quit all the dating sites, get 6 more cats and morph into an alcoholic cat lady. What fresh hell is this?
Wednesday, October 1, 2014
Jesse's Girl
In high school I made a lot of stupid decisions. Shocking right?
My friend Krissy and I went through a phase where we thought 80s music was the shit. All 80s all the time. Of course, this included the Rick Springfield classic "Jesse's Girl." I needed to be Jesse's girl.
Another friend Elle started dating some Forgettable Guy who went to a public school. Since I moved mid-high school, I only had friends from school. Since it was a private school it was smallish. So public school guys were an untapped market for me.
Forgettable Guy (FG from here on out) was from the wrong side of the tracks according to Elle's mom and she was forbidden to see him. But much like Romeo and Juliet, love, (or teenage hormone fueled lust) found a way. Elle and I would tell our moms we were at the library. Elle and FG would make out at his house and I would entertain myself. Until FG found a friend for me.
His name was Jesse. I have to use his real name because its the whole reason he was briefly a part of my life. He wasn't particularly attractive but he had an electric confidence that drew me in anyways. He was a sloppy kisser. His tongue seemed to be three sizes too big. He was forever drinking some flavor of Sobe that made his mouth taste all coconut-y which was disgusting to me.
Twas a brief fling that lasted no more than a month, which is around the time Elle decided FG wasn't worth her time either. But now I can say, damn right Rick Springfield, I was (briefly) Jesse's girl.
Natalie
My friend Krissy and I went through a phase where we thought 80s music was the shit. All 80s all the time. Of course, this included the Rick Springfield classic "Jesse's Girl." I needed to be Jesse's girl.
Another friend Elle started dating some Forgettable Guy who went to a public school. Since I moved mid-high school, I only had friends from school. Since it was a private school it was smallish. So public school guys were an untapped market for me.
Forgettable Guy (FG from here on out) was from the wrong side of the tracks according to Elle's mom and she was forbidden to see him. But much like Romeo and Juliet, love, (or teenage hormone fueled lust) found a way. Elle and I would tell our moms we were at the library. Elle and FG would make out at his house and I would entertain myself. Until FG found a friend for me.
His name was Jesse. I have to use his real name because its the whole reason he was briefly a part of my life. He wasn't particularly attractive but he had an electric confidence that drew me in anyways. He was a sloppy kisser. His tongue seemed to be three sizes too big. He was forever drinking some flavor of Sobe that made his mouth taste all coconut-y which was disgusting to me.
Twas a brief fling that lasted no more than a month, which is around the time Elle decided FG wasn't worth her time either. But now I can say, damn right Rick Springfield, I was (briefly) Jesse's girl.
Natalie
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