Tuesday, April 12, 2016

Brandon 2

I've fallen ass backwards into a relationship. I say the things I'm supposed to say. I do the things I'm supposed to do. I do thoughtful little things, I do silly little things. Etc. But my heart doesn't feel in it.

There is no challenge here. Brandon will do or say just about anything to make me happy. He's got me on a pedestal that is so damn high. When he annoys me, and I snap at him, he's calm. He calls me on my bullshit, calmly states his case why he doesn't deserve it. And he's always right. But he stays anyway. I'm being flawed and messy and tired and nowhere near my best self and he likes me anyway.

You're thinking, " That's how love works."
Sure. Probably.
But I don't love him.

The other day we hosted a little get together at my house. We both got drunk and as I was lying in bed trying to sleep, there is Brandon lying next to me talking about how he likes holding me, how he has to remind himself to say "I like you" instead of "I love you," how good I make him feel.
I literally had to tell this drunk to shut up. I was in no condition to have a heavy conversation and the whole topic annoys me anyway. I feel like we are dancing around the issue. He loves me, I'm not sure.

I don't have to wake up each morning and guess his mood or try and earn his affection for another day. Or any of the hoops I had to jump through with Jack. Brandon is with me most all the time, but we trust each other, so its not like Tom keeping tabs on me at all hours.

No, this relationship with Brandon feels completely different than anything that came before. And besides his lack of a job, he's a fantastic guy. I should be thrilled, I should stop trying to push and push and push and find his breaking point, stop trying to figure out what I can do and still have him like me. Its a horrid little game that I'm not consciously playing.

Every time I'll get close to thinking, "I could be truly happy with this man," He does or says something obnoxious and I want to break his dumb, trusting heart.

I don't know what my problem is. I trust him implicitly, I know there is no other girl out there making his head turn. I know he will help me with anything and everything.The sex is crazy good.
I've been wrestling with this since we started dating. Do I need to be patient and let feelings grow? Or is Brandon just not right for me?

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