The Shitstorm Makes Landfall

It was Sunday. Kiddo, Jack and I spent the whole day at the zoo. The kid was a little whiny here and there because he's 3, but mostly he had fun. We fed giraffes. Jack is such a natural with him and I can see a bond growing. Its fucking adorable.

Then later after Jack had gone home and the Kid is in bed, my phone rings. Its Kiddo's dad/my ex-husband. We never talk on the phone. We text about the kid. The end. No current events, no sports, nothing personal, just the kid. "So how are you?" he says.

Ah fuck.

I can see where this is going. My mom has had a theory for the last year, at least, that my ex still likes me. I'm nice to my ex. I have no ill will towards him and I hope he finds someone who is right for him and has a good life. We will always be connected because of the Kid and so I see no reason to be anything other than nice. Even when he is irritating as fuck, even when he is still selfish and won't put the kid first, even when he makes stupid choices, even when he continues to act like a child, I'm nice to his face because its no longer my problem to try and nag him into being an adult.

And I already tried that when we were married. I could cry, beg, scream, drag him to counseling, he was going to do whatever foolish thing he wanted to do. So I recognized this as a situation that would only bring me anxiety and let go.

"I still love you and I wanted to tell you that and see if maybe we could go on a date sometime."

Fuuuuuuuuck

I literally said "Um" at least 10 times trying to decide how to respond. I told him that I cared about him as Kiddo's dad, that I want only good things for him, but that I have no romantic feelings toward him and I'm seeing someone else.

"Are you happy with him?"

"Yes."

"Oh."

And then he cried. This motherfucker cried. And maybe it was genuine, maybe he finally understands what he had and lost but I'm so mad that he would call up and unload this on me that I can only be cynical and feel like it was an attempt at manipulation.

I steered the conversation back to the Kid and talked about that for a while. Talked about the ex graduating from college next month. Talked about his plans to move out of his parent's house. Talked about his new job offer...which is three blocks from my office building....


FuckFuckFuckFuckFUCKFUCKFUCK