Pissed Off. Again.

I'm a fucking fool.
I keep making time for this guy. I keep trying to be thoughtful and compliant and a "cool girl."
Its not me and its exhausting.
He says things to make me feel like I'm at the top of his priorities.
But then he does things that show that is not quite true.
I'm mad. And maybe I don't have any right to be.
We spent time together last weekend, but there were little hiccups here and there and it was unnerving.
We talked, he said we'd see each other sometime this week. During the week. Before the weekend.
We did not.
And on Friday, when he's so tired from going out every night, he's going out with some guy friend.
For the second time this week.
So this guy is more important than me. Or at least that is how it feels to me.
I'm an idiot. I'm so dumb. I just keep setting myself up to be disappointed.
I'm over here trying to be patient and act like nothing phases me.
It does phase me.
I don't want to have to wake up and fight for my place in your life every day.
I don't want to beg for your attention.
I shouldn't keep having the same conversation about this with you.
I don't know what to do. I know what my brain says to do.
My heart disagrees.

I'm the Worst

He asked me to come to dinner with a childhood friend of his who will be in town.
I am planning on going to an event in February with the kid and invited Jack. He wants to come. I bought him a ticket.
He wouldn't do these things if he wasn't serious.
I make up bullshit reasons to freak myself out.
He gave me a damn key to his place. Why cannot just accept that maybe he is happy with me?

I'm being petty and I'm being insecure and I just have to get it out.
I'm sad. I overanalyze his every word or tweet or post.
I'm making him this thoughtful birthday present. I'm having fun making it, but I'm scared to actually give it to him. Part of this present is a lot of letters, my feelings and thoughts about Jack laid bare. And I don't think he likes me the way I like him.
We've been together 6 months. I don't know what's wrong with me.
He says the right things. He's always said the right things.
And now he's putting his words into effect to make more time for me, for us.
But I still feel like I'm chasing him. Like I'm a pathetic groupie, hoping to be noticed, wishing to be loved, asking for affection and affirmation.
The part that I hate the most is that I can't figure out if my feelings are valid and I should say anything to him or I'm just so warped and anxiety filled that I'll never feel stable and safe in a relationship. Which wouldn't be Jack's fault. And would meant I ought to break it off since it would mean I'm incapable of being happy.
I wish he would tell me honestly what he feels.
I would trust any answer I'd get if I asked him. I don't want to prompt him.
I make myself so miserable sometimes.

Broken

I have an iPad but I don't use it often. Recently the Kid and I went on a little trip and I downloaded some apps and shows onto the iPad. Anyway, getting the iPad out, I was reminded that my texts go to my phone, computer and iPad because they are all linked. There was a whole text convo with Tom from last May.

Because reliving old hurts is my version of self harm, I read through a large part of it. It sucked. We were so in love, I thought. We did favors for each other, Tom took care of me and I took care of him. I was so spoiled. He would come over for a week and help around the house, drive me to and from work and then fuck me all night.

I don't miss him as a person. He was controlling and scary and I'm glad to be rid of him. But I miss the dynamic, I miss the person I thought he was. That version of Tom would have done anything for me. Not just talk, he did several amazing, difficult, selfless things for me. I don't have that anymore.

I know it's not fair to compare the two, because right now I'm reminiscing about the good parts of Tom and the bad parts of Jack, but my relationship with Jack is so much harder. Jack is good to me, he's good to my kid, he's never given me any reason to be afraid of him, he's been kind and funny, he brought soup to me when I was sick. He checks off all the boxes, but I feel like we are going through the motions. I have a deep sense that he's "not that into me."

His biological clock is ticking, I'm here and I'm "good enough." He's not crazy about me, he's just not that into me. I don't know if its because we aren't right for each other or because we need more time. Maybe I'm just feeling low because we haven't seen each other in two weeks (trips, schedule conflicts) we've texted, but no phone calls besides me calling to wake him up.

I can feel him settling. Maybe I am too? I don't know how to separate the good parts of the relationship with Tom and the bad. Tom and I would text constantly throughout the day, even when we were at work. Jack and I don't do that. Is it because Jack isn't a control freak and trusts me? Is it because he's a workaholic? Is it because he just doesn't want to?

Hiatus

I'm busy with doctors appointments, Halloween, and a project for Jack's birthday which is at the end of the month. Everything is fine, I'll just probably be quiet for a few weeks.

Building a Relationship

Jack is shutting down one of his side businesses, partly so he can focus on work and partly so he has more time to spend with me. He says he wants to work on building a relationship with me. I'm scared. What if we don't work out, or even if we do, and he blames me for him giving up on his company?

I am trying to be positive. He is taking action to change a lot of things. I didn't ask him to because I want the changes to he his choice. But the list of reasons we wouldn't work out that I wrote when we were broken up is getting shorter. And I'm scared.

Ducklings

The whole conversation I had with Jack had my brain working overtime. For a few reasons.

1) Does he really want a baby with me, or is it just because he's getting older and I'm the girl he's with currently?

I told Jack we have a lot of ducks to get in a row before we can even seriously discuss the idea of having a baby.
2)  What ducks need to get in a row? I thought about it, and came up with 4 ducks. (It's feeling weird to keep saying duck. Calling them issues or problems doesn't seem to fit, so I'll keep saying ducks. Deal with it.)